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Glad I'm not you. I don't analyze and over-analyze things. I usually do things from my heart but I'd rather be that way then missing out on important things in life.
I have a cousin who always bragged she was caution in life and not like me. I told her at least I've loved and been loved while she never knew love.
You can't be too safe in life because nothing extraordinary happens when you do that.
Don't make excuses like the economy, our jobs, blah, blah. If you state that both of you have all this chemistry, then you need to be together NOW.
But then again, you could be making all this chemistry stuff up in your own head and he's your fantasy man. 10 years, no way would I waste 10 years for someone that I'm not having a relationship with.
@ revenge & ulysses, i can appreciate what you are saying, however, my previous postings make it clear that 1. it's simply. not. doable. at. this. time. but. will. be. in. the. future. 2. i know when a reason is a negotiable reason and a non-negotiable reason, these are non-negotiable reasons. 3. i'm not saying the economy is the reason (i'm not saying it's not either), nor am i saying i'm waiting for the economy to get better-- what i did say was that it's a fantasy to think that our chemistry will magically pay the bills if one of us (maybe) gave up a lucrative, secure job to move into the unknown "because love will find a way" and i would rather not be so naive as to believe that would be a good start to a relationship.
i dunno.. i just dunno. keeping calm and moving on
I guess I'm having a hard time following how you're really feeling in all of this. On the one hand, you sound much more practical in these later responses, saying that you're not moving without a job, that chemistry won't pay the bills... I'm having a hard time reconciling that with your initial post where it was all about the crush you had nursed for this man for the last 10 years, the fairytale, the cosmic bursts. Which one is it?
My suspicion is that because you recently broke up with someone, it's pretty common to canvas all your platonic friends and try to find some way to make the break up make sense--say they were really your destiny and it was all for a reason--you were fated to be with this other guy. Or the desire to be hooked up with someone overrides your common sense on the issue. Is there any chance that could be at play? I guess I just don't understand why IF the chemistry was actually as strong as you claim, you two would let 10 years go by without making a go at it. Is it possible that this is just exacerbated in your head by recent events?
If the chemistry is as strong as you say it is, then you would together, simple as that. You're complicating matters and making excuses why you're not a couple. People who have such extreme chemistry as you claim find ways to be together. This has been going on 10 years, what have you been waiting for!??
I've got to agree - when people truly want to be together they find a way - they just do.
Re: "LDRs don't work," My LDR "worked," in the sense that we mutual decided to end the LDR-ness of it four months in and have been together for four years and counting. If you've been dragging out this star-crossed thing for an entire decade, that tells me that neither of you is sold on making it a real thing. No way do two people who really want to be together keep themselves apart by choice for ten years. I'd seriously recommend looking long and hard at why you guys have been okay with staying apart.
@h886,
I had a breakup back in January, it was ugly, I was hurt. It had nothing to do with me. I'm funny, charming, intelligent, and self-sufficient. I would rather be single than be with someone because I'm lonely. I'm done analyzing that break-up, being upset about it. He's a putz, I'm better off.
It's a blessing and a curse. I am extremely practical and analytical. Except in heat of the moment conversations, I rarely act without having thought of every potential outcome, reason, etc.. I play devil's advocate to myself. I question my motivation for wanting to do this or that. I am not spontaneous... to the point that it may be detrimental. Case in point, if my plans for the evening are to go home watch some TV, do some reading, eat some dinner (meaning, no plans) and someone asks me if I want to go out for a beer while we're leaving work or school or something, I rarely just say "yes" immediately. I kind of have to decide if it is really going to be 1 beer, and if not, can I afford to eat dinner out that day, and whether the reading I planned to do can be put off, etc.
In some respects this is just another avenue of me overthinking everything. In another respect it's me acting completely out of character by wanting to throw caution to the wind and jump in head first without having determined how deep the water is and whether I need floaties.
This post had a lot to do with trying to reconcile those thoughts. It was already long enough, so me posting my inner dialogue wasn't helpful.
It boils down to: maintain course, discuss moving when it's closer to being practical or put all my eggs in one basket, tell him how I feel (when he's NOT dating someone) and try an LDR until it's possible to move.
Going the LDR route at this time just seems painful to me. Wanting to be together but not being able to (sure, I imagine if we made a commitment to each other we would then make the commitment to see each other, visit each other, take trips together, that sort of thing) but saying "I want to make a commitment to you, even though that means we will be in a relationship where we will not see each other all the time, where we will create stress where it doesn't need to be by forcing something" is almost setting it up for failure... where if we wait until it's practical to move to be together we will be able to have a "normal" relationship, we will be prepared, we will not be putting unnecessary pressure on the relationship by the expectations created during the LDR.
The difference is being in a face to face relationship, where you build your relationship together, and being forced into an LDR by circumstance (company transfer, going home to care for a sick parent) vs. entering into a relationship that is long distance-- the stresses are magnified, there is nothing to "fall back on" when times are hard, the connections necessary are just not being built, no matter how strong our chemistry is.
I just think: if our chemistry is as strong as I believe it is, nothing will be lost by waiting, where it could by lost by jumping the gun. and if you bear the reference, going for an LDR out of the gate is a love suicide mission.
On the other hand, listening to some of these responses about love and commitment it's like what the eff am i waiting for? why am i not doing this? i want what i want, i believe he wants it too... for the first time in 10 years, I've felt like our feelings for each other are greater than all the reasons getting together is a bad idea, and in my head I was just disappointed that life is "back to normal" for us.
@h886,
I had a breakup back in January, it was ugly, I was hurt. It had nothing to do with me. I'm funny, charming, intelligent, and self-sufficient. I would rather be single than be with someone because I'm lonely. I'm done analyzing that break-up, being upset about it. He's a putz, I'm better off.
It's a blessing and a curse. I am extremely practical and analytical. Except in heat of the moment conversations, I rarely act without having thought of every potential outcome, reason, etc.. I play devil's advocate to myself. I question my motivation for wanting to do this or that. I am not spontaneous... to the point that it may be detrimental. Case in point, if my plans for the evening are to go home watch some TV, do some reading, eat some dinner (meaning, no plans) and someone asks me if I want to go out for a beer while we're leaving work or school or something, I rarely just say "yes" immediately. I kind of have to decide if it is really going to be 1 beer, and if not, can I afford to eat dinner out that day, and whether the reading I planned to do can be put off, etc.
In some respects this is just another avenue of me overthinking everything. In another respect it's me acting completely out of character by wanting to throw caution to the wind and jump in head first without having determined how deep the water is and whether I need floaties.
This post had a lot to do with trying to reconcile those thoughts. It was already long enough, so me posting my inner dialogue wasn't helpful.
It boils down to: maintain course, discuss moving when it's closer to being practical or put all my eggs in one basket, tell him how I feel (when he's NOT dating someone) and try an LDR until it's possible to move.
Going the LDR route at this time just seems painful to me. Wanting to be together but not being able to (sure, I imagine if we made a commitment to each other we would then make the commitment to see each other, visit each other, take trips together, that sort of thing) but saying "I want to make a commitment to you, even though that means we will be in a relationship where we will not see each other all the time, where we will create stress where it doesn't need to be by forcing something" is almost setting it up for failure... where if we wait until it's practical to move to be together we will be able to have a "normal" relationship, we will be prepared, we will not be putting unnecessary pressure on the relationship by the expectations created during the LDR.
The difference is being in a face to face relationship, where you build your relationship together, and being forced into an LDR by circumstance (company transfer, going home to care for a sick parent) vs. entering into a relationship that is long distance-- the stresses are magnified, there is nothing to "fall back on" when times are hard, the connections necessary are just not being built, no matter how strong our chemistry is.
I just think: if our chemistry is as strong as I believe it is, nothing will be lost by waiting, where it could by lost by jumping the gun. and if you bear the reference, going for an LDR out of the gate is a love suicide mission.
On the other hand, listening to some of these responses about love and commitment it's like what the eff am i waiting for? why am i not doing this? i want what i want, i believe he wants it too... for the first time in 10 years, I've felt like our feelings for each other are greater than all the reasons getting together is a bad idea, and in my head I was just disappointed that life is "back to normal" for us.
I just think: if our chemistry is as strong as I believe it is, nothing will be lost by waiting, where it could by lost by jumping the gun. and if you bear the reference, going for an LDR out of the gate is a love suicide mission.
On the other hand, listening to some of these responses about love and commitment it's like what the eff am i waiting for? why am i not doing this? i want what i want, i believe he wants it too... for the first time in 10 years, I've felt like our feelings for each other are greater than all the reasons getting together is a bad idea, and in my head I was just disappointed that life is "back to normal" for us.
To play the Devil's advocate... if he wants "it" too, then why did he get back together with his ex-girlfriend? That's the part I just don't get... if his feelings for you were as strong as you think they are, I can't see why he would do that. Or, the other possibility that worries me is that he is just using her for companionship/sex... not a particularly great guy if that's the case.
With regards to nothing being lost by waiting... that's not necessarily true. At some point, you either need to give it a go or not. Not only do we not know how much time each of us have on earth, but at some point, the potential may fade as one/both of you gets tired of putting it off. I mean, it's been 10 years. That's awhile. Will it be another 10 before you can live in the same place? I understand your concerns about moving, and I don't know that I would want to move either since you may not have a thing together at all, but at this point, I really think you need to either jump in with both feet or get off the pot. I don't see what's to be gained by continuing to drag this out.
I'm in my late 20's he's mid 30's. For 10 years we've had a mutual attraction and raging chemistry. We live hours and states away from each other. We've never tried to make a go of it LD b/c it's not practical Neither of us are in a position to move to where the other person is at this time, but the future is promising for that. We have continued to date other people, but when we see each other the sparks are... well they're not sparks... they are full on sonic booms. Our chemistry is contagious. People who have never met us before can see it and have commented on it. It's kind of like a fairytale. We see each other a few days a year at a conference. We keep contact when we are not at the conference (at various levels depending on our respective relationship status-- phone calls, texts, emails, fb, etc)
This year at the conference we both happened to be single and we spent the weekend together joined at the hip. We spent almost every moment together from our arrival to our departure. We knew the other persons needs/wants without communicating them and acted on those needs. For the first time we addressed some of our feelings for each other, talked about the realities involved, admitted it was something we both wanted, but agreed that a LDR just. isn't. practical.
I don't know about him, but I have spent years rationalizing why a R with him wouldn't work. There are some substantial differences in our personalities and lifestyles that may or may not impact a R, that may or may not be as detrimental as I have made them out to be in my own mind. In the past, if one or both of us was in a relationship, we limited our interaction out of respect for the other persons R... but we always left each conference with the same feelings.... the build up of seeing each other and the letdown of leaving.
Even though we do not have a LDR, even though we have been down this road before, even though it's impractical, something happened this year that made me realize I want to be with him. I want to spend my life with him. and I want to do it asap. I don't want to be with other people. Despite all the differences, the rationalizations and justifications I provided melted away this year. I don't know what is different about it...
But I just found out he has reconciled with his exgf and I'm sad and I know y'all are going to say I can't be disappointed and you're right. You're totally right. It's not like I didn't expect he (and maybe me) would date other people, I did. I am just.... disappointed that things aren't going the way I wanted. That him dating her again somehow means I'm more invested than he is.
There is a distinct conflict in my brain. I am aware of it! I cannot in good faith say I do not want an LDR and then somehow expect him not to date anyone until one of us is in a position where we can conceivably move. I know that... I just have been on this "high" from seeing him that I thought maybe we would just... wait it out.
Anyway, that was way too long. I should go back and edit a bunch of crap out. I want to give enough detail that I make sense without giving too much unnecessary info.
What do you say? fuggehdabaddit? go for it? see what happens? live life in the moment and date someone if they come along? or just shut the hell up
To play the Devil's advocate... if he wants "it" too, then why did he get back together with his ex-girlfriend?
I imagine for 2 reasons: 1. the same reasons we have both always just gone back to our lives and continued to meet and date and love other people. 2. because when we talked about it, we agreed that it wasn't practical right now. Neither of us requested a commitment from the other.
I imagine for 2 reasons: 1. the same reasons we have both always just gone back to our lives and continued to meet and date and love other people. 2. because when we talked about it, we agreed that it wasn't practical right now. Neither of us requested a commitment from the other.
So, it's better to love the one you can be with rather than be with the one you love?? That's nuts!
If it were me, I'd be on the phone with him TODAY telling him my true feelings about everything. I would not let another second go by without it. I would especially not give him a chance or excuse to get closer with the old girlfriend.
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