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My life has become filled with distractions; a shower, a meal, the news. Some created out of need for distraction; my garden, volunteerism and all of the little things I seek to fill up the hours of the day. These mindless things sit upright and hopeful among the less appealing, loosely scattered, demanding distractions of motherhood and worse; all of my personal limitations. With one hand, I seem to reach out for what I want; employment, education, solace… and yet I resist it and hold it at arm’s length with the other.
I look forward to each day, I don’t know why. Perhaps, today is the day. Yet not long after I open my eyes on a new day, I begin to long for the hours to pass into night, into sleep, into a dream that will place me, if only but briefly, out of my life. Mostly, I want to be a ghost and walk unnoticed and unabated by it all. For a short time, I would take great pleasure in being forgotten altogether, as if I never had existed to anyone, nor they to me, responsible to no one, knowing no one, loving no one, but myself.
There is a battle here to be won, a bloody war against myself, against the distrust of my own person, against the insurmountable wall of despair, I have built, brick by brick, with my own hands. There are others with me I battle here as well, negative spirits, taunting spirits and worse a certain spirit that by no particular word or action, exhorts to me to lay down my arms and remain with him in this grey state of limbo, neither bright nor black, neither loving nor cruel, for eternity. It’s a God dammed mess.
The battle has been won. I’m leaving…I’m leaving this horrible, wonderful prison. I’m leaving this façade of security, this quiet dysfunction, my garden, my rose bush, my spice rack and pantry, the judgment, the guilt and all the rest that has both given itself to me and taken away from me without rhyme or reason. We all are to blame and still blameless. Let God sort out this mess after we have all gone from this earth and let us each settle accordingly then.
Thus the hardest part is now upon me. I need money. Today is the day! I will find a job today and a better one tomorrow. I will keep every cent of it for myself and what I want. I will have my solace! I will have my peace! I shall not worry, for there is NOTHING to worry about. Only good things and challenges to overcome, there is grace to be had.
What will I do with my solace? I will be happy! I will take what comes and give what I can. I will raise my children, a new garden and rose bush. I will collect new spices and items for the pantry and I will live, not merely survive. I will be happy. I will long for day and live it with purpose. I will sleep restfully through the night and relive the day. I will be happy.
To the original OP...sounds like you are at a crossroads, wanting to live and not exist, and take control of life and make it good.
To everyone else...I don't think it's fair to judge another so quickly. there was nothing offensive or inflammatory about the post. let's not judge until we know the facts, and have walked just a bit in another's shoes.
To the original OP...sounds like you are at a crossroads, wanting to live and not exist, and take control of life and make it good.
To everyone else...I don't think it's fair to judge another so quickly. there was nothing offensive or inflammatory about the post. let's not judge until we know the facts, and have walked just a bit in another's shoes.
Not "judging" her at all. I was just saying she sounds like she needs some help to enjoy her life - and I hope she seeks it
So do we pass the ghosts that haunt us later in our lives; they sit undramatically by the roadside like poor beggars, and we see them only from the corners of our eyes, if we see them at all. The idea that they have been waiting there for us rarely if ever crosses our minds. Yet they do wait, and when we have passed, they gather up their bundles of memory and fall in behind, treading in our footsteps and catching up, little by little.
My life has become filled with distractions; a shower, a meal, the news. Some created out of need for distraction; my garden, volunteerism and all of the little things I seek to fill up the hours of the day. These mindless things sit upright and hopeful among the less appealing, loosely scattered, demanding distractions of motherhood and worse; all of my personal limitations. With one hand, I seem to reach out for what I want; employment, education, solace… and yet I resist it and hold it at arm’s length with the other.
I look forward to each day, I don’t know why. Perhaps, today is the day. Yet not long after I open my eyes on a new day, I begin to long for the hours to pass into night, into sleep, into a dream that will place me, if only but briefly, out of my life. Mostly, I want to be a ghost and walk unnoticed and unabated by it all. For a short time, I would take great pleasure in being forgotten altogether, as if I never had existed to anyone, nor they to me, responsible to no one, knowing no one, loving no one, but myself.
There is a battle here to be won, a bloody war against myself, against the distrust of my own person, against the insurmountable wall of despair, I have built, brick by brick, with my own hands. There are others with me I battle here as well, negative spirits, taunting spirits and worse a certain spirit that by no particular word or action, exhorts to me to lay down my arms and remain with him in this grey state of limbo, neither bright nor black, neither loving nor cruel, for eternity. It’s a God dammed mess.
The battle has been won. I’m leaving…I’m leaving this horrible, wonderful prison. I’m leaving this façade of security, this quiet dysfunction, my garden, my rose bush, my spice rack and pantry, the judgment, the guilt and all the rest that has both given itself to me and taken away from me without rhyme or reason. We all are to blame and still blameless. Let God sort out this mess after we have all gone from this earth and let us each settle accordingly then.
Thus the hardest part is now upon me. I need money. Today is the day! I will find a job today and a better one tomorrow. I will keep every cent of it for myself and what I want. I will have my solace! I will have my peace! I shall not worry, for there is NOTHING to worry about. Only good things and challenges to overcome, there is grace to be had.
What will I do with my solace? I will be happy! I will take what comes and give what I can. I will raise my children, a new garden and rose bush. I will collect new spices and items for the pantry and I will live, not merely survive. I will be happy. I will long for day and live it with purpose. I will sleep restfully through the night and relive the day. I will be happy.
Antlered Chamataka translation into City-Data language:
"I've been in a monotonous, sexless and boring marriage for several years. I wanna divorce my fat husband and exit the scene. But I've been a SAHM mom for far too long that I have no money saved and no way of finding a new job. I love my kids. But I wanna have new butterflies in my tummy. My tummy has gained a bit too. And I'm a religious person"
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This was venting in a poetic way...
