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Old 05-23-2011, 11:20 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,831 posts, read 88,015,749 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knight2009 View Post
But how does one necessarily know that though, going into a marriage? (Not trying to facetious here; just wondering as a geneuine question.)
Nobody does, including LM. You can only hope.
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,698,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares View Post
Not exactly the same boat, but I know how you feel. I could never marry again and feel good about calling my house “ours” nor could I marry and be the primary breadwinner and not feel resentful. Actually, Im beginning to feel this resentment for my current bf because he hasn’t worked in a year and he is beginning to call my house “his” or “ours” and claim to have bought almost everything when in fact it is the opposite. I don’t think you are ready to marry either, which isn’t a bad thing (neither am I). Resolve this situation or your feelings about this situation before you make a life altering decision.
2mares, I have thought about this many times. My husband and I were very young when we bought our house. We have struggled through good and bad times, worked so very hard to make this place livable, it is OUR home. If anything (God forbid), ever happened to him...and I was ever able to allow another man into my life, I honestly don't think that this could be OUR house. It would always be MY house and property. There would be a prenup drawn up and signed, which would leave the house and property to my children.

I could never imagine letting what their father and I had worked so very hard for, fall into the hands of someone else.
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:41 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,698,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knight2009 View Post
Thank you, my friend. I will readily and freely concede that the opinions from posters such yourself, lovesMountains, and JustJulia also move me greatly, as well.

Show me a potential wife, who means truly her wedding vows, who will be there in committed love, for better or for worse, and who will be 100% faithful and loving, till death do us part -- and I will gladly add her to the tile/deed. Without reservation.

But how does one necessarily know that though, going into a marriage? (Not trying to facetious here; just wondering as a genuine question.)
Ah, if ONLY there was ONE perfect answer to this question. All I can say is this... you take your TIME in getting to truly know someone before you say, "I DO". You make sure that the person you are marrying is truly good, to the core and you treat them excellently, always. You respect their opinions. When you're thinking of doing something, or saying something, you take the time to think about how that person will feel about your actions and words.

If you're wrong, you admit it. If you wrong them or hurt them, you apologize and make it a priority to try not to repeat those actions. Do not knowingly treat them with disrespect, but always strive to be thoughtful and respectful without smothering them to death. Always be masculine, without being arrogant and "superior". Never think you're "better" or that you "call the shots", if you make more money. Many times, the wife ends up doing the jobs that the men in their lives do NOT want to do. Unfortunately, those jobs don't reap "cash" rewards. LOL Just remember though...if men were having to PAY someone to do those tasks, they might be a bit less apt to take them for granted.
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:45 AM
 
5,460 posts, read 7,742,450 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Ah, if ONLY there was ONE perfect answer to this question. All I can say is this... you take your TIME in getting to truly know someone before you say, "I DO". You make sure that the person you are marrying is truly good, to the core and you treat them excellently, always. You respect their opinions. When you're thinking of doing something, or saying something, you take the time to think about how that person will feel about your actions and words.

If you're wrong, you admit it. If you wrong them or hurt them, you apologize and make it a priority to try not to repeat those actions. Do not knowingly treat them with disrespect, but always strive to be thoughtful and respectful without smothering them to death. Always be masculine, without being arrogant and "superior". Never think you're "better" or that you "call the shots", if you make more money.
None of the above are a problem for me I heartily agree, with your suggestions.

ETA: I do try my very best, to meet all of the above
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,831 posts, read 88,015,749 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
2mares, I have thought about this many times. My husband and I were very young when we bought our house. We have struggled through good and bad times, worked so very hard to make this place livable, it is OUR home. If anything (God forbid), ever happened to him...and I was ever able to allow another man into my life, I honestly don't think that this could be OUR house. It would always be MY house and property. There would be a prenup drawn up and signed, which would leave the house and property to my children.

I could never imagine letting what their father and I had worked so very hard for, fall into the hands of someone else.
I definitely understand the sentiment behind, but how WOULD you handle the situation should it arise? What would you do with this house and where would you live with somebody else? I know it's very hypothetical in your case, but since your brought it up...
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Land of Free Johnson-Weld-2016
6,470 posts, read 16,349,656 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka View Post
You've been married 30 years and still strong?? And you've been a housewife all these years. Any man would love that kind of wife. Mr Mountains is truly lucky and blessed.

I'll take your side on this thread rather, than other self-deluded chimps
Of course she's been a housewife for years and she's happy to say "ours." LOL No offense. Let's get the husband's anonymous opinion.

Not that I'm knocking the housewives...their contributions to the household, while not necessarily financial, may actually entitle them to a large part of the assets. But imagine for a moment, you are getting married older (thirties and higher) , and you worked hard for the assets you have all by your lonesome. You've taken care of them and increased their value etc. They're "yours" not a "Jenny-come-lately's."

Also, Antlered nobody answered your question? "Yes, if you marry someone with no money and you buy a house during marriage...the other person may be entitled to 1/2 the house.".. even if you paid all the bills and are listed as the sole borrower and owner. No matter what state you're in. The other party may be able to get some part of the property even if SHE is the only one who wants a divorce, cheated on you, or withheld sex for years...those issues do not affect property distribution.

In order to prove they don't deserve a portion of the house, you can spend tens of thousands in legal fees...whether or not you win.

If you are planning to get married, and the wife isn't planning to work, try to work out an equitable arrangement. If you're older and don't have kids, I think it may take more planning so neither of you feels "used."

The stay-at-home party should take the weight off of your shoulders in a lot of areas. The house and cars should be well-taken-care of, the spouse should make appointments for the family etc., handle meals/shopping etc. That way, even without money, you can feel you're really sharing the responsibilities of life together.

Don't feel discouraged, but be careful.
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Old 05-23-2011, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
4,472 posts, read 17,655,473 times
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Wow, I've never seen a thread posted a few hours ago gain so much steam! I come back on my lunch break and WOW!

I've read it through and there is some great advice and some advice that I'll ignore. It's quite difficult trying to convey a situation in an internet forum but I think some of you saying I should dump her are a bit drastic. We do love each other, really truly do. We have great times together, we enjoy each other's company, we can talk bluntly...money is where we differ though.

I don't mind that she pampers herself really, it doesn't bother me to any extent. I guess I feel this isn't a true "partnership" because I'm contributing the financial aspect of our relationship and she isn't. I think she feels she doesn't necessarily have to because I a) make substantially more than her and b) I would still be paying the utilities/internet/insurance/etc regardless of if she was living with me or not. This makes me feel as if it is "MY" home and not "OUR" home. Maybe this is why she wants to get a place as a couple but...I just don't care to leave my current place.

Maybe I should see if she'll start paying some upkeep costs, she does pay her own insurance (on..my vehicle). Maybe if we split the bills to where she'll even pay $200/ month or so towards living expenses, it'll ease the tension a bit. I guess I've been paying for everything for so long, I have my salary budgeted to the exact nickel of where my money goes.
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Old 05-23-2011, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,698,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
I definitely understand the sentiment behind, but how WOULD you handle the situation should it arise? What would you do with this house and where would you live with somebody else? I know it's very hypothetical in your case, but since your brought it up...
Sierra....I honestly don't know. I truly don't. To be honest with you, my children know that, until we are both gone, the property remains intact. There are 4 lots here and several buildings. Each child will receive a lot. As of now, there is actually only one of those children who would fight to the death to keep the original house standing. It is likely that she would be the one inheriting the lot with the house on it. As for the others, they will be splitting the other three lots. There is a small house on one of those lots and the huge 2-story shop sits on 2 lots.

As I said, nothing will be divided until we're both gone. It is highly unlikely that I would ever move another man into this home. If I were to go and live with another man (hypothetically), I would still retain ownership of my house, although my child/chilren would be living in it. I would care for his house as if it were my own, but would not invest anything into it, nor would I expect a part of it.......hypothetically. LOL
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Old 05-23-2011, 12:20 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,831 posts, read 88,015,749 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
If I were to go and live with another man (hypothetically), I would still retain ownership of my house, although my child/chilren would be living in it. I would care for his house as if it were my own, but would not invest anything into it, nor would I expect a part of it.......hypothetically. LOL
That's what I thought you'd do, too, Beachmel.
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Old 05-23-2011, 12:24 PM
 
1,561 posts, read 2,200,904 times
Reputation: 2132
Quote:
Originally Posted by SpeedyAZ View Post
...
I've read it through and there is some great advice and some advice that I'll ignore. It's quite difficult trying to convey a situation in an internet forum but I think some of you saying I should dump her are a bit drastic. We do love each other, really truly do. We have great times together, we enjoy each other's company, we can talk bluntly...money is where we differ though.
That is the way of all advice, take it for what it's worth. Just know that money issues are one of the biggest reasons for marriage difficulties.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SpeedyAZ View Post
I don't mind that she pampers herself really, it doesn't bother me to any extent. ...
Your choice. So long as you are prepared for what the consequences could be.

There has came up the question on how a person could know if the one they pick to marry would turn out to be reliable/trustworthy. In my opinion they had better be reliable/trustworthy before you marry.

You know your fiancée, where do you think she is in that regard?
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