He can't walk away from HER.... (dating, boyfriend, girlfriends, how to)
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This is my second night of insomnia due to a stressful situation with my boyfriend. I would absolutely LOVE some advice...if anyone is still up....
July 2nd, I left my job, my apartment, and my friends to move 600 miles south to live with my boyfriend of 6 months. We've known each other since high school; although we never dated until now.
He had this "roommate," we'll call her T, and maybe a handful of times they slept together. This was wayyyyy in the past...waaaay before he and I realized we live on the same planet. Anyway, T was in the process of moving out. I was under the impression that her belongings would be gone by the time I arrived. They were not.
July 4th, he and I are cuddled on the couch watching tv, and she just invited herself over (she still had access to the house at that point). T felt determined that she just had to come over to tell me how in love she is with him, how he's the only thing she thinks about before falling asleep and waking up. How it was "never just sex" between them (although he claims that they only slept together once in a while; both of them highly intoxicated). And she was going on and on and on about his bedroom habits, day habits...blah blah blah...you get the idea.
The next day, I went through the house and collected all of her things and threw them in the garage for her to pick up. I asked him to make arrangements with her IMMEDIATELY so he and I could get going on what's important: US.
2 full weeks went by with a bit of arguing between he and I about her. I asked him almost everyday when she was planning on coming to get her stuff and he simply replied I'm not sure. So I put my foot down and told him that if her stuff wasn't gone by Sunday, and all of her accessible ways returned by that day, I would walk.
He got it done. I hated doing that, being that woman, but he got it done.
Since I've lived here with him, she texts/calls him incessantly and always says inappropriate things such as "i love you" "i miss you" "my heart is breaking" "let me take care of you" yada...yada...yada. I know she says these things because I ask him "hey, does T ever say.....blah...." and he tells me. So, we do have "trust."
Even though she is this inappropriate, he's allowing this awkward/inappropriate relationship to bloom between them. He told me yesterday and today that he is unwilling to cut ties with her because she's been a "great friend." They've had this dysfunctional relationship for about 3 years now.
Tonight, I went to pick his phone up from the floor (he stepped on it, half asleep, on his way to the bathroom). There, glowing brightly in a text from her was the question, "WILL YOU FALL ASLEEP INSIDE ME?"
I. HIT. THE. ROOF.
So we tried talking it out (with me being hysterical). The biggest issue for him regarding this entire situation was that I "invaded his privacy and read the text." This wasn't something I had to jump through hoops to access. It was right there. In black and white.
Now, I asked him if he wanted to be friends with her, and his response up until yesterday was that he didn't think so because she doesn't want friendship. She wants something more. He doesn't. But recognizing this, and then doing god knows what (i'm confident that there hasn't been any physical relationship with them since i've been here) via texting, he has the audacity to tell me that she's been a "great friend."
If this element of inappropriate behaviour did not exist between them, I think it would be great if they were friends. Hell, I was actually looking forward to having a female friend down here to hang out with and show me around. I don't have a problem with opposite sexes being friends. I have a MAJOR issue with this entire situation.
Am I being an unreasonable/unmitigated/jealous/hysterical girlfriend?
Would most women (or men if roles were reversed) accept this behaviour/friendship?
Did I invade his privacy by reading his texts?
Please advise. This is my second night without sleep.
When they try to turn the table and blame YOU for invading THEIR privacy you know you have a problem. And you have a big problem. I realize you moved your life for him after only 6 months of dating but you need to let him know that you are willing to move your life again..without him..if he can't cut the cord.
Hello hun,
I try not to comment on relationships and such, seeing as I'm only 23, non-married, and probably not overly qualified. However, I read your story and I feel awful for you. You cannot change the past and I think unfortunately, your having to deal with a bad decision on your part. I do hope you can find a way to turn things around in your favor though.
Do I think you invaded his privacy? No. You picked up the phone, and it was there. You weren't snooping, you were just caring about him enough to get his phone off the ground. Period. He is being a baby. If he cannot handle you seeing a text or 2 once in a while, if he cannot trust you that much, why did he ask you to move 600 miles for him, ya know? You trusted him enough to leave everything behind.
Unless there is some serious things that you have not included in your question, your boyfriend is being totally disrespectful and inconsiderate to you. I cannot imagine why your not already packed up and heading home. I know you've dated him for 6 months and all, but it sounds as if when you arrived at his place, you got a totally different perception of his life than what he had led you to believe. Furthermore, a woman doesn't just live with a man who she is "in love with" and not mention anything to him until a girlfriend comes to live with him. You have to think that "T" regularly made an effort to try and be with your boyfriend while you were living in another city. Why would he live with a woman like this? Any man who truly has respect for you, would never date you and be living with his ex at the same time. Any man. Visa versa. If he respected you, he would have asked her to leave the apartment before he even started dating you, let alone plan to live with you.
Your not being a crazy/jealous girlfriend. He is being unreasonable and disrespectful. Would most woman accept this behavior? Only trashy ones. It's like your boyfriend doesn't even care about your feelings at all. A man of honor would have put an end to everything the very first night. He would have blocked her number and told her to "go separate ways until she feels like she doesn't have feelings for him anymore". A man of honor wouldn't have let himself be so involved with a woman other than you. I hope you both can sit things down, work them out, and make it better. IMO, a few things need to happen. 1. He needs to stop talking to her until she can act with respect towards both of you, and your relationship. 2. He needs to apologize. 3. If you said anything mean to him from anger, you need to apologize too 4. When you forgive him, don't keep bringing it up. 5. You moved very far to be with him, he needs to trust you enough to not freak out if you see something sorta private like a text of his sometimes.
"T" is one of those crazy/trashy woman who manipulate good men to get what she wants. Any self-respecting woman wouldn't try to ruin her so called "friends" relationship. She needs to grow up. Your boyfriend needs to start respecting you more too. If he can't man up and apologize, leave him. I know that's not what you want, but if he cannot see the total disrespect in all of this, he will never truly respect you all throughout your lives together.
I'm sorry, but your boyfriend sounds so shady! His behavior alone... Sigh. Moving far to live with a man your not married to was not a wise decision. I hope you can figure out how to make things better. Pray about it. Get some sleep dear. It's not the end (although it may feel like it). Make the best of the city you moved to. Meet some friends, and have a LONG talk with your boyfriend tomorrow. It's a bad situation, but not nearly the worst, nor is it irreversible either. Good luck, and sweet dreams.
Oh my dear... you know the answer.... "run, don't walk"... 6 months does seem like a very long time when you are falling for a man... but he does disrespect you and it will eat you up if you don't move on now. No evasion of privacy with the text... it just happened... I had a similar situation happen to me.. I used to work in IT department so when a man I talked with for 6 months had his email crash, I went to help recover the laptop and found nothing but women's names and emails... no did not open them up but the subject lines... well hard to ignore... No one likes to be "played"...
You deserve a man that shows respect and true love to you... not a man who can't let go of his past girlfriends ... You are worth more and deserve better my dear...
I'm sorry that you uprooted your life for somebody, and will have to deal with the repercussions of that, but it's clear that he's not trustworthy and isn't remotely ready to be in a monogamous relationship. Don't know how old he is, but it's a really immature thing to try to hold on to a supposedly "no-strings" (are they EVER truly no-strings?) attachment while retaining a live-in girlfriend. Unacceptable. This kind of disrespect isn't going to get better.
Am I being an unreasonable/unmitigated/jealous/hysterical girlfriend?
Absolutely not. Her behavior is completely inappropriate but the problem is, HE is allowing and even welcoming it into his life. Has he even attempted to tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and needs to stop? I doubt it would stop her but the fact that he will not even try to set boundaries with her is quite alarming and troublesome. It suggests that he enjoys the attention from her and doesn't want it to stop. When he says she has been a "great friend" remind him that she is not a great friend to him now if she can't respect the boundaries of friendship now that he is in a relationship with someone else. She disrespects YOU and your relationship by behaving the way she does and that is not how a "great friend" behaves. If he continues to allow this kind of behavior into his life, he is basically saying that he's okay with people disrespecting his girlfriend and his relationship.
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Would most women (or men if roles were reversed) accept this behaviour/friendship?
Nope.
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Did I invade his privacy by reading his texts?
No - assuming you're being honest about how you saw it, you did not go looking for it and you had no intent to snoop on him.
Am I being an unreasonable/unmitigated/jealous/hysterical girlfriend?
No. You are responding as most anyone would.
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Originally Posted by Atalossat35
Would most women (or men if roles were reversed) accept this behaviour/friendship?
Hell no.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atalossat35
Did I invade his privacy by reading his texts?
Absolutely not. That issue in fact, has absolutely nothing to do with the main problem here, which is HIS ridiculous and immature behavior.
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Originally Posted by Atalossat35
Please advise. This is my second night without sleep.
Move back home, now. And get some sleep. I can't believe that you would tolerate this situation for a minute. He's an ass, and clearly not ready for a relationship with you.
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