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I've been going out with a guy for nearly 8 months now and have been staying at his house frequently for the past 3 or 4 months. I don't really know a lot of about him because he's very private and reserved and when I ask questions he won't always answer, so I feel like instead of asking him these questions I have to post them on the internet.
He never likes to "do" anything - I have to drag him places like a new nightclub or out of town when I work. He has never taken me on a date and never does anything nice for me. I am not the kind of girl to like gifts or flowers or jewelry but I can at least appreciate the offer, in which I would probably decline. At least I would know he cares? He never wants to go see movies or go to the zoo or do anything at all except stay home. We ate at a restaurant once or twice but he seemed uncomfortable the whole time. So my question is, is it too much to expect me wanting these sort of things? A companion to do things with? Travel is a huge dream of mine and I always hoped to find someone with the same passion.
His sex drive appears to be lower than mine - I had been on anti anxiety medications for the past 10 years of my life and just got off of them in the past month. I feel more alive now and my sex drive is through the roof. Also, I only lost my virginity less than 3 years ago and haven't gone through that "phase" of having lots of sex and experiencing new people. I want to experience things in life, especially sex, but he usually won't let me touch him and he won't tell me why. In the very beginning he couldn't keep his hands off me but due to my meds I wasn't really into sex. Now that I'm off my meds it's all I can think about, but he's not on the same page. Is this normal? Are there guys out there with equally high sex drives?
He smokes pot - that has always been a dealbreaker for me and he quit smoking in the beginning because that was the only way I'd date him. Now that he has me he won't quit and when I brought it up he freaked out and said that he won't allow anyone to control him. It really bothers me just because of my morals, and mostly because I feel like he quit just to get my interest and as soon as we started dating he went back to it. He didn't even ask me if I was okay with it. I had an ex who did the same thing about having a child. Lied about it until I was dating him for a year before he told me. He turned out to be a douche.
Future - I know guys hate hearing that but in my past I never asked guys about their dreams and our future and it never lasted long because we didn't share the same path. But now that I'm getting older and wanting certain things in a few years, how do I approach this? We talked a little about marriage and he said he wasn't really into it...he wants to do "marriage" a little unconventional but I don't know to what extent. It appears he doesn't want kids in the future either as our economy is so bad and it's a terrible time to bring life into the world. So do you stay with someone who's future doesn't align with yours or do you hope that they will change their mind in time?
There aren't many other things that bother me because I'm really pretty laid back. I know no one is perfect but if I try really hard to change bad things about myself isn't there another person out there who would do the same? He is really intelligent and I've never met anyone like him so I am a little hesitant to quit this because I don't know if I would find anyone else with my impossibly high standards. He will never cheat, abuse me or otherwise be a jerk which is really hard to find in guys!
I guess my question is, these issues I have, are they reasonable of me? If not, why? I am only 24 so should I try to make this work or not, as there are so many people out there? I would ultimately like this to work out so what can I do on my end? I have an amazing short-lived job that I am giving up to be with him, as I have done with boyfriends in the past, but those guys never worked out so giving up my dreams was wasted. I don't want to go that same route but if we stayed together it would be worth it in the end.
Drop him and move on. He seems like a tool - trying to be a player and more then likely figured he already got it so why bother to continue pretending to be something he isn't. Don't spend anymore time with him, find a guy that isn't a douche and live your life. If he hasn't opened up to you by now then then chances are he isn't going to and he won't change.
Why are you wasting so much time trying to force this mismatch?
You said, "So do you stay with someone who's future doesn't align with yours or do you hope that they will change their mind in time?"
The answer is, "No, you don't." You can't change him. To try to is the height of arrogance and futile. He is who he is. Your choice is whether to date him or not. What's the point of wasting years on this while you sit around stewing wishing he would change and he sits around stewing wondering when you're going to lighten the hell up and change?
I don't hear anything "wrong" with you or him. It's not that you need to correct his behavior, or that he needs to straighten you out on yours. You're just two vastly different people who don't have a good natural rapport, so every little thing is stirring up conflict right now.
Could you change to be together? I guess so... but would it really be worth it? How many issues are you willing to compromise on in order to stay with him? How about the pot smoking? He wants to smoke and you don't like it. How about the sex drive? Yours is higher. How about the level of social interaction wanted? You want to go out to a nightclub and he has never taken you on a date. He's a homebody. That's not a problem, per se, but he would probably be happier if he was dating another homebody and you would probably be happier dating someone who liked going out. In this case you'll just keep frustrating each other. Then we get to the big ticket issues. You want marriage and kids. He's already told you (and finding this out early is a gift) that he doesn't want marriage in the traditional sense and that he doesn't think he wants kids. This guy is doing a good, honorable thing by being truthful with you. If you want to do the good, honorable thing, LISTEN, rather than trying to figure out how you can connive him into changing his mind. Why would you even consider wanting children with a man who had to be dragged into it kicking and screaming? Don't you think your children deserve better than a reluctant father who didn't want them?
In short, you are trying to force him to be your image of what you want in a man. He is a good man, but he isn't that man and he isn't a good match for you. Stop wasting time here and next time, when someone shows you they're incompatible, listen, rather than thinking about how you could change them.
I've been going out with a guy for nearly 8 months now and have been staying at his house frequently for the past 3 or 4 months. I don't really know a lot of about him because he's very private and reserved and when I ask questions he won't always answer, so I feel like instead of asking him these questions I have to post them on the internet.
He never likes to "do" anything - I have to drag him places like a new nightclub or out of town when I work. He has never taken me on a date and never does anything nice for me. I am not the kind of girl to like gifts or flowers or jewelry but I can at least appreciate the offer, in which I would probably decline. At least I would know he cares? He never wants to go see movies or go to the zoo or do anything at all except stay home. We ate at a restaurant once or twice but he seemed uncomfortable the whole time. So my question is, is it too much to expect me wanting these sort of things? A companion to do things with? Travel is a huge dream of mine and I always hoped to find someone with the same passion.
His sex drive appears to be lower than mine - I had been on anti anxiety medications for the past 10 years of my life and just got off of them in the past month. I feel more alive now and my sex drive is through the roof. Also, I only lost my virginity less than 3 years ago and haven't gone through that "phase" of having lots of sex and experiencing new people. I want to experience things in life, especially sex, but he usually won't let me touch him and he won't tell me why. In the very beginning he couldn't keep his hands off me but due to my meds I wasn't really into sex. Now that I'm off my meds it's all I can think about, but he's not on the same page. Is this normal? Are there guys out there with equally high sex drives?
He smokes pot - that has always been a dealbreaker for me and he quit smoking in the beginning because that was the only way I'd date him. Now that he has me he won't quit and when I brought it up he freaked out and said that he won't allow anyone to control him. It really bothers me just because of my morals, and mostly because I feel like he quit just to get my interest and as soon as we started dating he went back to it. He didn't even ask me if I was okay with it. I had an ex who did the same thing about having a child. Lied about it until I was dating him for a year before he told me. He turned out to be a douche.
Future - I know guys hate hearing that but in my past I never asked guys about their dreams and our future and it never lasted long because we didn't share the same path. But now that I'm getting older and wanting certain things in a few years, how do I approach this? We talked a little about marriage and he said he wasn't really into it...he wants to do "marriage" a little unconventional but I don't know to what extent. It appears he doesn't want kids in the future either as our economy is so bad and it's a terrible time to bring life into the world. So do you stay with someone who's future doesn't align with yours or do you hope that they will change their mind in time?
There aren't many other things that bother me because I'm really pretty laid back. I know no one is perfect but if I try really hard to change bad things about myself isn't there another person out there who would do the same? He is really intelligent and I've never met anyone like him so I am a little hesitant to quit this because I don't know if I would find anyone else with my impossibly high standards. He will never cheat, abuse me or otherwise be a jerk which is really hard to find in guys!
I guess my question is, these issues I have, are they reasonable of me? If not, why? I am only 24 so should I try to make this work or not, as there are so many people out there? I would ultimately like this to work out so what can I do on my end? I have an amazing short-lived job that I am giving up to be with him, as I have done with boyfriends in the past, but those guys never worked out so giving up my dreams was wasted. I don't want to go that same route but if we stayed together it would be worth it in the end.
Thoughts?
Seriously???
Exactly why do you want this to work out? If you're just trying to justify your having wasted so much time on him, spare yourself the effort. From what you're written, you two are not just on different pages, you're in completely different books.
Cut bait. Take the awesome job. There are plenty of others out there. You can do *so* much better than Stoney.
After just the first paragraph I was shaking my head and muttering to myself, "Is she truly this daft?"
After wading through this miserable tale to the end I'm simply flummoxed and all I can say is, "What the FUDGE is wrong with you?"! Good grief, girl, you're 24 years old. Dump this total loser, get out there and mix with normal people, get some hobbies - anything. You're simply wasting time and this relationship is not only going to end up nowhere, it's already nowhere and wasn't much anywhere even at the very beginning.
1. He is boring, has no initiative for social activities, and has NEVER taken you out on a date. Not even movies.
2. Pot smoker. This if unchecked can cause permanent and serious brain damage. And know that marijuana makes people not care about doing anything. It makes college students stop caring about studying and can even lead them to drop out of school.
3. Doesn't discuss future dreams. You suspect he has none.
4. Is very private.
I would imagine that #2 are part of the reasons behind #1 and #3. He may be an extremely socially awkward individual who also is extremely, perhaps abnormally, passive ... and pot only makes this worse.
If this is thread is for real...I just want to know why you've wasted 8 months!?!
Here's a thought...list the reasons why you are with him.
^^^^ good idea
Its a strange feeling to start to think about relationships beyond :I like him.
It can make things more complex but more lasting. Look at people's lifestyles before staying connected for so long. I think usually people show a true self within 3-6 months even if they started out being who you thought they were.
This guy just sounds like a pothead hermit. That is not what you want your life partner to be so I would have that discussion about things you want to do and move the relationship to friendship. You should also maintain a separate life for yourself no matter what your partner does. Have friends that you do things with too. I think of my fiance's parents when it comes to that. His dad is more a work and home type a guy but his step mom likes to be social. She goes to parties and hosts parties at home. He is always at his house parties unless working. But she generally goes to other parties with her sisters or friends. They seem to have a comfortable middle ground. They both like to work on the house to spend time together on weekends (gardening and what not). I think its a good example of different people meeting a middle ground. They seem happy. Been together for 20 years.
I agree people don't have to be perfect either but they shouldn't make you feel miserable or like you are missing out on something.
p.s. pot doesn't MAKE people act like that either. Its the combo of the person with the pot. I know a lot of people who are successful and who also smoke pot. So don't delude yourself that him quitting pot will change anything. An addict still acts like an addict even without the drugs. And I am not saying pot is addictive body wise like serious drugs but a lot of people who act like that with using are doing so to cover up mental issues. His anxiety could be natural or from THC toxicity. There is a limit to that stuff. And just like any other drug there are side effects. (anxiety, low sex drive, etc)
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Seriously??? 
