Abandonment with Parents and Cancer (boyfriend, how to, love, husband)

[charolastra00]

In September of last year, I moved from my family's home in Georgia to Boston following the one job offer I got after college graduation in May. I was diagnosed at the end of January a month after my 23rd birthday with Stage IV Hodgkin's lymphoma. I have either been in and out of various surgeries or in chemo since February and have 3 more months of chemo to go.

Through all of this, my parents have been completely absent. They were fairly involved parents, perhaps a bit overly strict even, and so this came as a complete shock. I expected them to be on the first plane to be with me when I had to go under for an excision biopsy. But nothing. And then, surely, they would come be with me for my first chemo. Nope.

They even went to Scotland for 2 weeks. Still no word on when they're going to see me. My mom told me she *might* come up in October, but only if my chemo is over.

My mom and I talked daily on the phone before this happened and my dad and I spoke weekly. That's gone down. My dad seems to be able to recognize what I'm going through better than my mom, and he was always the more emotionally distant parent. My mom barely acknowledges my illness at all. She still brings up how angry she is that I didn't call on her birthday or get her a present- it was 2 days after chemo where I only had the energy to leave bed to go to the bathroom and nothing else and I have no money at all to spend on presents. These are both things I have explained to my mother many times.

My mom also seems to try to "one up" me. When I call and complain about how hard it is to breathe or my pain level or any other of the things going on in my body, she has to come up with something more serious. She has never had a major health issue in her life.

I have spoken to my parents about how their actions hurt me, but they seem in denial that they are anything less than steadfastly supportive.

I'm at this point where I truly want to disown them. I understand this is hard for them and that they are dealing in their own way, but I am dealing with something incredibly scary and difficult for anyone- but especially for someone 4 months into their first job and less than a year out of college. I feel abandoned by the people who should be there for me. Most of my college "friends" have disappeared as well.

Maybe this is more than a rant than a call for advice, but what would you do?

[D. Scott]

Sorry to hear about your health, esp given the timing with everything. Hope you get better and enjoy many healthy years.

This should be your main focus, to get well. Your parents were not there for you, and to go through this alone makes it more difficult. We cannot control everything that happens to us, and it is more difficult to control people and their actions, or lack thereof, in times of need. They may be insensitive, or found it too much too handle emotionally. If it is the latter they may feel guilty down the road for sure. I know I would. But given the info presented, try to focus on getting back out there, lean and mean. You are young and have your life ahead you.I hope they make up for it at some point. Family can be difficult.
All the best OP.

[h886]

First of all, my prayers are with you and I wish you every hope for a lasting recovery. I'm so sorry this has happened.

It's a hard thing to be where you are right now. The truth is, parents are human. They can disappoint you. You can disappoint them. It's a hard thing to learn and accept. Not everyone knows how to react to someone being seriously ill. Many fade away to avoid doing the wrong thing and getting the sick person angry with them. The "right thing to do" isn't the same for everyone. Even if they knew that "right" thing to do, it's not guaranteed that it's something they can execute. They come with their own weaknesses, just as you do.

Some people will drop everything and fly to a relative/parent/child who is seriously ill and others either won't or can't. Maybe it has to do with their job situation, maybe they wish you would come back home to Georgia and make it easier, or maybe they aren't strong enough to face the idea that you're sick. I don't know. I know in your shoes I would have wanted them there, and I've gone through a similar issue where my parents never did come. I've come to understand that it wasn't that they didn't love me--I know they do--just that this wasn't something they could give. Yes, mine traveled all over the place too. Just never to the state I was living in at the time. I think one trend when they were being raised was not to talk about unpleasant issues. That may be at play with your parents too. It is what it is. I can't change who they are or make them strong in ways they simply aren't.

With your mom on the phone, maybe you just shouldn't talk about medical stuff. I've gotten to that point with my dad. I never get anything positive out of those conversations, so I stick to other topics. Your mom may be one of those people who just doesn't know what to say (some people intuitively know how to respond and others get nervous and fumble it) and so when you're talking about pain and treatment, she's trying to stay on topic so she talks about her pain and treatment for whatever. I don't know. I am sorry though.

Is there someone you could talk to? Vent with? A friend in your new town? Maybe someone professional to talk to if that isn't available?

[Johnny Vanderburgh]

If I was in your shoes, I would finish kicking the cancer's ass, then I'd go kick your parents' asses.

[Mikala43]

It's hard to respond to a post like this.... it's not the typical "my boyfriend is a jerk"... that's easy.

What you've gone through is so emotionally and physically draining it's hard to relate. I've come close in some ways, but nothing compared to what you've gone through.

This is all I've got...

We don't get to choose our parents. Some get stuck with ones that should not have kids, they have nothing to offer anyone else because they are too busy trying to get what they think they need. Others cannot deal with something going wrong... they do not have the emotional capacity to deal with it, so they ignore that anything is happening.

I would advise not to disown them. Only because I think it would hurt you in the long run. Try to view their weakness as their own problem, and it is. You turned out so much stronger than what they had to teach you. They are weak, maybe through no fault of their own, and you deserve better, but they cannot offer that.

To me they are less than what they should be, and I am so sorry for what you have had to deal with on your own. But somehow, you turned out to be the strong person that you are, either because of them, or despite them. Either way, they helped you become the person you are.

[himain]

Originally Posted by Johnny Vanderburgh

If I was in your shoes, I would finish kicking the cancer's ass, then I'd go kick your parents' asses.

Thank you!!!!

OP-Get better first, tell cancer F U and then tell your parents F U and good bye!!

[SouthernBelleInUtah]

Find a cancer support group. They will understand what you are going through. People have made lasting friends in various support groups.

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[Bluesmama]

Your mother is in denial.

Oddly, I have a friend going through this same thing right now with her adult daughter. Her husband died 3 years ago and now she's battling breast cancer. The daughter not only won't see her or talk to her, but she won't talk to her brother about it, either. She's been keeping away, being a real turd.

Gratefully, the son has been the opposite. She knows that her daughter simply cannot handle it but knowing it doesn't make it hurt any less, and she really needs some of the girl's help. She does at least have friends who are helping her a lot.

The denial is understandable but if she happens to lose the battle then her daughter will have much to deal with within herself. As would your mother.

It is not excusable. I don't know what the answer is but I agree with the poster who wrote that you shouldn't disown them. But do not forget it ~ they may need a good reminder of this down the road.

[Phoenix2017]

I am truly so very sorry to hear about this devastating and terribly hard time in your life, OP All blessings and kind wishes and prayers, for a swift and prompt full recovery for you.

Having said that...IMO, your parents are a total disgrace, in how they are treating you. Their behavior is inexcusable and I don't care how they're "dealing with it", b/c *you're* the one who is suffering, not them. Forgive me for being so blunt, but they are vile, pathetic excuses for human beings, to do this to you. I don't blame you one bit for wanting to disown them, either.

[sierraAZ]

Wow... I can't believe I'm reading this! It would've been awful no matter what, but you're so young, almost right out of college, a few months into a new job, and all alone in another city!

Originally Posted by charolastra00

I'm at this point where I truly want to disown them.

I wouldn't blame you one bit. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I'd do.

Hope you get well!