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Old 05-23-2015, 09:56 PM
 
Location: NW Nevada
18,126 posts, read 15,521,975 times
Reputation: 17109

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
Good grief, could you paint men with any broader of a brush?
As a divorced man, not quite in the mentioned age group any more, but close, I thank you for this^^… Yea, my ex demolished me. However, it was a new relationship that saved me from being bitter and jaded. It would be quite easy, here, to counter the OP , fire with fire, and generalize all women , especially divorced ones, into a neat little box of blood sucking vermin.

But, where the fun in that? Instead, I have someone else a chance. No, it sure as Hell is for sinners hasn't been all wine and strolls in rose gardens, but it beats being bitter, and alone, by ten full grades...easy. Truthfully, I gave, and still give, despite our current troubles, my world and myself. I don't have near the resources, financially, I used to, but I gave, and will give, something more valuable than all the money in the world. The divorce, as devastating as it was and with all the venom the ex had in her (that's a LOT BTW) showed me what really matters.

No, not all men who have been layed low by a vicious ex are bitter , jaded and scared of their shadows with relationships. Sure, I went through the angry stage. And more. But was shown a better way, and didn't stick around to wallow in that cesspool. Maybe I'm a poor guy now. I live on limited resources. To play the turn card, there are a lot of women out there who wouldn't give me a second look because of that. But all women sure ain't thataway.

The lady I'm in love with now showed me that. She is an emotional and physical wreck at the moment, and some bad things happened. Things that, I dare say, a lot of men wouldn't go back for risk of more. But, she was there for me, when I didn't think lifewas worth living any more. When I was a wreck. SShe's reached out to me, from a very dark place, and I will go in and help take her out of there.

I sure won't let what my ex wife did to me make me less of a man. Some guarded, slinking creature, afraid to poke my nose out of a hole. And , IMHO, there are a lot more men out there made stronger and better partners because of being "hung out to dry" than the op realizes. Sounds like she ran across an opposite example, and has become what she is professing to revile in the opposite sex.

Yep, stepped right into that pit. + 1 JustJulia. I'd plus ya more if they'd let me.

Last edited by NVplumber; 05-23-2015 at 10:01 PM.. Reason: re worded something

 
Old 05-24-2015, 09:23 AM
 
Location: moved
13,573 posts, read 9,588,338 times
Reputation: 23317
Reading through this thread, I've realized that my own former marriage and divorce was less of a marriage per se, than a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, where we happened to be married for legal-purposes. Further, I realize that my former spouse was more of a trophy-wife than a comprehensive partner. Our divorce was amicable, concluding with what amounted to a parting-gift from me to her (though a lavish one!), with no further strings or entanglements. Ohio awards alimony based on the duration of the marriage and disparity in the former parters' incomes, and similarly for distribution of pensions; we avoided all of this by mutual agreement. My ex has since remarried, gave birth to a child, and somewhat tersely reports "being happy".

Where I've become jaded and jaundiced is not in gender-relations or marital/divorce laws, but in the availability of people whose mindset and world-view are similar to mine. This applies to both women and men, to overtures for romantic relations and casual friendships. Outside of the most conservative circles, I don't find that my divorced status makes me a pariah or a disgrace. However, being child-free arrantly accomplishes both. It's the antinatalism that's triggered accusations of being in a "death cult" or otherwise being not suited for polite society. And this was also the proximate cause for the collapse of my former marriage.

Most people are heavily invested in human continuity. Contravene that, and you're not going to be regarded as being "worth dating" –regardless of your appearance, material wherewithal, eloquence or emotional state.
 
Old 05-24-2015, 11:45 AM
 
Location: NW Nevada
18,126 posts, read 15,521,975 times
Reputation: 17109
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant View Post
Reading through this thread, I've realized that my own former marriage and divorce was less of a marriage per se, than a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, where we happened to be married for legal-purposes. Further, I realize that my former spouse was more of a trophy-wife than a comprehensive partner. Our divorce was amicable, concluding with what amounted to a parting-gift from me to her (though a lavish one!), with no further strings or entanglements. Ohio awards alimony based on the duration of the marriage and disparity in the former parters' incomes, and similarly for distribution of pensions; we avoided all of this by mutual agreement. My ex has since remarried, gave birth to a child, and somewhat tersely reports "being happy".

Where I've become jaded and jaundiced is not in gender-relations or marital/divorce laws, but in the availability of people whose mindset and world-view are similar to mine. This applies to both women and men, to overtures for romantic relations and casual friendships. Outside of the most conservative circles, I don't find that my divorced status makes me a pariah or a disgrace. However, being child-free arrantly accomplishes both. It's the antinatalism that's triggered accusations of being in a "death cult" or otherwise being not suited for polite society. And this was also the proximate cause for the collapse of my former marriage.

Most people are heavily invested in human continuity. Contravene that, and you're not going to be regarded as being "worth dating" –regardless of your appearance, material wherewithal, eloquence or emotional state.

Now, that's...interesting. Quite a deep and very technical analysis. It seems your marriage and divorce were a lot leaner on the emotional factors that fuel a good percentage, if not the highest percentage, of breakups. The biggest thing in both my marriage and divorce , that triggered ( and still does, sometimes) resentment in me is the nauseating materialism that drives my ex, and I've seen the same thing in other peoples relationships and breakups. The rationale that people like my ex use to justify unrelenting greed and desire for complete control of their partners, even after splitting up. However, I don't have the time to dwell on it anymore.

The last statement in your post, I don't quite understand. I think what's throwing me is what you mean by "human continuity". Could you clarify that for me? Otherwise, after reading the whole thing, I get where hour coming from, I think. What jades you , from what I can glean, as to "lack of availability" of a compatible partner, is you're having serious trouble meeting someone who is an intellectual equal, and can completely relate to you? Mmmm...that would be a conundrum, at best. Finding a perfect or at least suitable, match in a partner,with specific intellectual qualities high on the list, would be hard for anyone.

My new partner actually shares little with me in certain interests that are very important to me. Our worldviews are actually quite different, though not antagonistic, and she's a cat girl and I'm a dog guy. Lol. That was intended to be humorous, but, her cat and I and my dog and her just love each other. And the dog and cat are best of pals as well. I see that as significant, because it showcases, that despite our obvious and significant differences, we are an outstanding match. This example we set could be something for you to ponder. Perhaps the "match" you are seeking, is not exactly a "match" at all?
 
Old 05-24-2015, 11:20 PM
 
Location: At mah house
720 posts, read 496,505 times
Reputation: 1094
Sounds like the OP was venting about a dude she hooked up with and wanted to frame it as a societal problem.

Speaking as a divorced man, I have to say this doesn't describe me. Of course, my situation wasn't quite as bad as a lot of men have it. I got married at 22 to a girl I hadn't dated a full year. We lived in her parents' basement for a year, then got a lease on a small 1-bedroom apartment. I was working at a rental car place and she was a full-time student and part-time waitress. We decided to divorce after about two years of being married, but right around the time we did I found out she was pregnant with my son. We thought about trying to stay together to make it work, but I think we both knew we weren't ready to be married. So we set up our own arrangements for support and have stuck by it and my son will soon be thirteen years old. I still managed to buy my own house and truck by the time I was thirty and I've never missed a CS payment. I'd say I'm a catch...now I just need to get caught.
 
Old 05-24-2015, 11:36 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,060 posts, read 106,950,530 times
Reputation: 115838
Quote:
Originally Posted by jdmil View Post
Sounds like the OP was venting about a dude she hooked up with and wanted to frame it as a societal problem.

Speaking as a divorced man, I have to say this doesn't describe me. Of course, my situation wasn't quite as bad as a lot of men have it. I got married at 22 to a girl I hadn't dated a full year. We lived in her parents' basement for a year, then got a lease on a small 1-bedroom apartment. I was working at a rental car place and she was a full-time student and part-time waitress. We decided to divorce after about two years of being married, but right around the time we did I found out she was pregnant with my son. We thought about trying to stay together to make it work, but I think we both knew we weren't ready to be married. So we set up our own arrangements for support and have stuck by it and my son will soon be thirteen years old. I still managed to buy my own house and truck by the time I was thirty and I've never missed a CS payment. I'd say I'm a catch...now I just need to get caught.
I took the OP to be a troll post. Notice that s/he is no longer a member. I don't even know what "hung out to dry" means. Most divorced guys get on with their lives; some go on Match, etc., before the divorce is even final. Doesn't sound like they feel they're been "hung out to dry". But...whatever. Every divorce is different. The guys with working wives and no kids or grown kids don't have anything to worry about.
 
Old 05-24-2015, 11:59 PM
 
10,029 posts, read 10,858,885 times
Reputation: 5945
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
It's not so simple. If one partner was the homemaker and child-raiser, then that person might not have marketable job skills upon divorcing. So sometimes a temporary alimony is set up; the formerly non-working partner has a set number of years in which to get training or schooling to become self-supporting, after which period the aiimony ends. This is not "disgusting", nor is/was the homemaker partner "lazy". They deserve not to be thrown out into the street upon divorce, but to have some time to make themselves employable, after giving over nearly 20 years to childcare and homemaking.
In those cases I get it, but really there is no reason for a childless person not to support themselves. In the cases where alimony is awarded it should be only until they can support themselves. I dated a man with an ex too lazy to work, he shouldn't have to support her forever.
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