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Happily married 10 + years. Kids, etc. We care very deeply for each other. Ideal relationship in the eyes of our friends & us. We have given and sacrificed many times. Through good/bad times no issues. Never a talk about being in a bad marriage or even a hint of divorce. As I write this, these truths still hold. We agree on most things and always communicate when there is an issue that bugs us. We both admit that we have learned to love each other even more as time goes on. I know these feelings are 100 % mutual.
But the sex part I am wondering. Yes I have talked to her, as there appears to be a lack of interest in sex on her part. She blames her weight, which I can understand to a point. But even with major weight loss and a fantastic body, her lack of interest is still there. The question really is, can you be in absolute love with someone and stay with them forever, but the sexual side is just disappearing?
Here is the problem. Sex to her over the past year is a quicky. She "enjoys it", but doesnt need to orgasm. We are talking a bend over, wham bam, etc. Very few times a month, maybe 1-2, does she want to take it to a level for her to orgasm. here is the problem, the intimacy is waning. I want long period of love making. I want it to take a while and enjoy it. I want her to have an orgasm. She just has no interest in that most of the time. Now I am not saying she doesnt satisfy my needs, she does. But she doesnt satisfy herself, which for me as a Man is hard to understand. Men cannot get 1/2 way there, stop, and feel good. But even more than that I feel selfish like its all about me. I want it to be about her. She doesnt reject my sexual needs, but she doesnt fulfill my need to make sure she is satisfied. (Going back up to the first paragraph, that is the kind of relationship we have had, I want to make sure she is happy). But knowing she isnt getting satisfaction in the end is a let down. It makes me feel so one sided. FYI her reaching orgasm isnt an issue either.
What adds to it is the quickys are not face to face. Its one position or another where we cannot kiss. When we are going for the long haul, she kisses, but doesnt for too long. Here is a bigger red flag. Long hauls usually are around the same time she has a few drinks. Not drunk, not even tipsy, just a night cap or two. I cant say she needs alcohol to have a long sexual experience, but it is far more common than not.
Coming back to the question, it makes me think. Can she be in absolute love with me, enjoys being with me, hugs me for 2 minutes when she comes home from work, cuddles with me on the couch, holds me in bed, looks me in the eyes and tells me she loves me, miss me, and everything else that goes in a relationship, but just not want to have sex that much? Is she caring for me so much that if she doesnt want too much sex she is just satisfying me because she does love me? I know her self esteem isnt as good as it should be and there may be a small fear of being alone.
Its almost like we dont have sex would be a way to describe how I feel. I want her to have the full experience, without it the experience isnt complete. Its one sided. That isnt my nature or my way. I care.
At your stage of marriage (10 years and young kids) many women are just plain tired, busy and overworked. This is not to excuse her lack of interest, just to explain it.
However, NOW is the time to take this situation very seriously though.
You simply cannot let things continue on the way they are without risking your marriage. Lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage is only okay when BOTH partners don't want it. Otherwise, it's not okay.
Whether you think you'd ever stray or not, you are at risk for that over the long haul as long as she continues on this path. She needs to be made to understand that and ya'll need to come up with a plan for addressing this issue together.
I would start with a complete physical by her doctor first and foremost. Her iron levels could be too low, or she may need some testosterone. Rule out medical problems, then set up an appt with a therapist specializing in sexual dysfunction and sexual intimacy issues in marriage.
Happily married 10 + years. Kids, etc. We care very deeply for each other. Ideal relationship in the eyes of our friends & us. We have given and sacrificed many times. Through good/bad times no issues. Never a talk about being in a bad marriage or even a hint of divorce. As I write this, these truths still hold. We agree on most things and always communicate when there is an issue that bugs us. We both admit that we have learned to love each other even more as time goes on. I know these feelings are 100 % mutual.
But the sex part I am wondering. Yes I have talked to her, as there appears to be a lack of interest in sex on her part. She blames her weight, which I can understand to a point. But even with major weight loss and a fantastic body, her lack of interest is still there. The question really is, can you be in absolute love with someone and stay with them forever, but the sexual side is just disappearing?
Here is the problem. Sex to her over the past year is a quicky. She "enjoys it", but doesnt need to orgasm. We are talking a bend over, wham bam, etc. Very few times a month, maybe 1-2, does she want to take it to a level for her to orgasm. here is the problem, the intimacy is waning. I want long period of love making. I want it to take a while and enjoy it. I want her to have an orgasm. She just has no interest in that most of the time. Now I am not saying she doesnt satisfy my needs, she does. But she doesnt satisfy herself, which for me as a Man is hard to understand. Men cannot get 1/2 way there, stop, and feel good. But even more than that I feel selfish like its all about me. I want it to be about her. She doesnt reject my sexual needs, but she doesnt fulfill my need to make sure she is satisfied. (Going back up to the first paragraph, that is the kind of relationship we have had, I want to make sure she is happy). But knowing she isnt getting satisfaction in the end is a let down. It makes me feel so one sided. FYI her reaching orgasm isnt an issue either.
What adds to it is the quickys are not face to face. Its one position or another where we cannot kiss. When we are going for the long haul, she kisses, but doesnt for too long. Here is a bigger red flag. Long hauls usually are around the same time she has a few drinks. Not drunk, not even tipsy, just a night cap or two. I cant say she needs alcohol to have a long sexual experience, but it is far more common than not.
Coming back to the question, it makes me think. Can she be in absolute love with me, enjoys being with me, hugs me for 2 minutes when she comes home from work, cuddles with me on the couch, holds me in bed, looks me in the eyes and tells me she loves me, miss me, and everything else that goes in a relationship, but just not want to have sex that much? Is she caring for me so much that if she doesnt want too much sex she is just satisfying me because she does love me? I know her self esteem isnt as good as it should be and there may be a small fear of being alone.
Its almost like we dont have sex would be a way to describe how I feel. I want her to have the full experience, without it the experience isnt complete. Its one sided. That isnt my nature or my way. I care.
thoughts?
You sound amazing, lets divorce our currents and get married. You're probably 10-20 years older than me, but who cares! - LOL just kidding!
All joking aside - I would take this seriously and have it delt with quickly... maybe a counselor? Show her that this means alot to you and you need to understand. I am having the same issue with my husband, he is the only man I've ever been with and I'm a sexual person but he is not. It's hard for me to understand how he just never wants to do it (he's only 25.) It could be a self esteem issue, a tired issue etc... but only she can tell you for definite.
I always wondered why sex was the only activity both partners HAD to engage in or there is a problem. But if one partner likes golf or horse racing and the other one doesn't, no problem?
My gosh, is everyone looking for the perfection in everything these days? My God Jim I'm a doctor, not a marriage counselor.
Ok, ok then. Here's something I came across, it may help you with that "perfect relationship"
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. And last, but certainly not least, it's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
Last edited by Funny how?; 06-30-2011 at 10:14 PM..
I am on a Christian couples counseling forum where there are many others who describe their marriages very much like yours. You are not alone.
I have been married for 29 years, My Dw does not like intimacy.
It is really not uncommon.
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