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A surprisingly lucid and familiar article from the founder of eHarmony ... It's long, but I recommend it to anyone getting ready to marry as well as any just downright snoopy people!
I agree, having messed up several times. One should simply adopt this rule. If I want to marry you now and I love you, If it's the real thing, I will still feel this way in a year or so, so I will wait.
[i]nspiring marriages don't happen by accident. They require highly informed and carefully reasoned choices. Commitment and hard work are factors too. But after decades of working with a few thousand well-intended and hardworking married people, I've become convinced that 75 percent of what culminates in a disappointing marriage -- or a great marriage -- has far less to do with hard work and far more to do with partner selection based on "broad-based compatibility." It became clear to me that signs which were predictive of the huge differences between eventually disappointing and ultimately great marriages were obvious during the premarital phase of relationships.
I wonder whether it would help to have more pressure to go through premarital counseling.
Thanks for sharing that link, Phil.
I agree with what the article said. Too many couples get married too quickly, for the wrong reasons.
I read somewhere that the device of marriage exists to provide 2 things to society in general: Conserving capital and insuring the welfare of children.
Keep in mind I'm talking just about social requirements and needs, and have dodged any discussion about religious rules and wishes.
Since mature adults should have the wisdom to provide for the first without additionally requiring a contract of marriage, and society seems to want to assume some (if not most) responsibility) for the latter, then marriage as a social tool seems to be of limited use.
What other reasons are there to motivate the actual civil procedure of marriage?
(Certainly not to impose a stability on the emotional commitment between two adults, as that is both ridiculous and foredoomed - just look at the divorce statistics)
I wonder whether it would help to have more pressure to go through premarital counseling.
This is just one source, but it apparently it does. I didn't read through it entirely so maybe it could be that those who seek premarital counseling are better prepared for marriage in the first place.
Bad marriages don't just happen to bad people. They mostly happen to good people who are not good for each other.
... and ...
Quote:
And inspiring marriages don't happen by accident. They require highly informed and carefully reasoned choices. Commitment and hard work are factors too. ... 75 percent of what culminates in a disappointing marriage -- or a great marriage -- has far less to do with hard work and far more to do with partner selection based on "broad-based compatibility."
These two quotes are the key to this article, and it's what I've been saying for many years. Working at relationships isn't going to do much good if you're not compatible to begin with - it may help in some cases, but usually just delays the inevitable. There's almost no work involved in my relationship, for example, yet we both see it as great.
Knowing what compatibility consists of and seeking it from the very beginning is essential. And, it works!
This is just one source, but it apparently it does. I didn't read through it entirely so maybe it could be that those who seek premarital counseling are better prepared for marriage in the first place.
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