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As one of my best friends who is a little older and been through much worse (he's going through a divorce) told me: "At some point you become hardened, your heart gets beat on enough and you just don't care what happens anymore". It feels pretty good to finally be there.
I'll continue to ask girls out when I feel it's right and if they say no then who seriously gives a rats ***? It's their problem they don't know a great guy when one crosses their path. It's even better knowing they can't touch you emotionally, I feel almost invincible now!
That's my story.
Many people build walls to prevent from being hurt again. If that works for you and what you need to proceed forward with your life, then it is a good thing, I suppose.
However, if you focus on "...I don't care if I talk to her again..." then that is the message you are going to send and that is what you are going to get. Some might even mistake this for a sour grapes mentality.
But hey, you have to do what you have to do.
By the way, just so you know, most "young women" all have the "happily ever after" mentality, and are not happy when their spouses cannot provide that fairytale scenario. The key phrase being.... 'I love you, but I am not IN LOVE with you". Sometimes it takes two or three or even more marriages/relationships before they come to the realization that their expectations are more a figment of some romance novel than reality. Sadly, some women NEVER come to this epiphany and spend their entire livers "looking" for their prince charming.
So it's been over 2 months since my gf dumped me because she wanted "a fairy tale love story" instead of me in which I was more than happy to let her pursue. I realized I don't necessarily feel like I WANT a relationship, but I am interested in meeting girls and having a fun summer.
I'll continue to ask girls out when I feel it's right and if they say no then who seriously gives a rats ***? It's their problem they don't know a great guy when one crosses their path. It's even better knowing they can't touch you emotionally, I feel almost invincible now!
I'm sorry this is still so tough for you. It's normal to grieve for some time after losing an important relationship. Right now you're working through the "irrational anger" phase of that. Hang in there, and know that this too shall pass.
Your GF did not dump you for a fairy tale. She dumped you because you weren't right for her. She did nothing wrong. She'll probably meet a guy who's better for her and be insanely happy with him. If/when you get past your hatred and bitterness against women, the same possibility is there for you.
I'd say that given your current level of veiled rage and nastiness towards women, the girl from the bar was wise not to return your text (Side note: If you're interested, be a man and place a real call. The sickly lions at the edge of the herd are the ones who get into fake-texting games.) With regards to the bolded, there is a difference between being gracious but self-assured and being a condescending puffed up twit who comes across like an egomaniac. "Great guys" do not speak about women the way you do here. You may think you can flirt in a bar, but women will see straight through it eventually and realize the ugliness in your heart.
IF you want a shot at a great girl, you are going to have to address that.
Many people build walls to prevent from being hurt again. If that works for you and what you need to proceed forward with your life, then it is a good thing, I suppose.
However, if you focus on "...I don't care if I talk to her again..." then that is the message you are going to send and that is what you are going to get. Some might even mistake this for a sour grapes mentality.
But hey, you have to do what you have to do.
By the way, just so you know, most "young women" all have the "happily ever after" mentality, and are not happy when their spouses cannot provide that fairytale scenario. The key phrase being.... 'I love you, but I am not IN LOVE with you". Sometimes it takes two or three or even more marriages/relationships before they come to the realization that their expectations are more a figment of some romance novel than reality. Sadly, some women NEVER come to this epiphany and spend their entire livers "looking" for their prince charming.
20yrsinBranson
I agree with what you said. It's important when interacting with women that I don't show negativity. I always try to stay positive and I don't mind showing my had a little bit that I have interest. If that turns a girl off then that's unfortunate, but I prefer to stay true to myself: If I like someone it's hard not to show that a little bit.
Anyway, I guess I'm just indifferent to the outcome. If she's interested back I won't pretend like I don't care, because yes I'll will care enough to reciprocate and move further at a pace that feels right. Otherwise, if she's not interested, I'm comfortable enough now to not worry or be hurt by it. It's just one woman, I took a shot, and if she wasn't that into me then it's ok, like will go on. More importantly: I'll meet many more women.
I realize there's some hostility over my decision to text rather than call....
I'll be honest, I didn't really think about it that much. It never crossed my mind that I'd be coming across as immature by sending a text. All I did was say hi how was your evening. I don't even really care if she goes out with me.
I thought about giving her a call sometime this week, but it's the allstar break and with my rigorous workout schedule I'll barely have enough time to watch the homerun derby and the allstar game as it is.
I guess this girl just isn't that important to me. I barely know her, and if getting offended because I sent a text is her reaction then I feel better knowing I avoided the narrow plank I would've had to walk if I engaged further with her.
Read back the bolded sentences. This is exactly the message you send by texting. And that's exactly the message she got, hence, she realized you were not worthy of her time. Your baseball watching schedule is more of a priority than calling to ask her for a date. If she is only worth 10 seconds of lame text typing to you, then of course she's not going to be interested. She's looking for a real man, you know, the kind who would give up 5 whole minutes of his evening to place a real call and ask her on a date.
But please, keep talking about how YOU dodged a bullet by avoiding HER some more. That doesn't come across ridiculous at all.
I'm sorry this is still so tough for you. It's normal to grieve for some time after losing an important relationship. Right now you're working through the "irrational anger" phase of that. Hang in there, and know that this too shall pass.
Your GF did not dump you for a fairy tale. She dumped you because you weren't right for her. She did nothing wrong. She'll probably meet a guy who's better for her and be insanely happy with him. If/when you get past your hatred and bitterness against women, the same possibility is there for you.
I'd say that given your current level of veiled rage and nastiness towards women, the girl from the bar was wise not to return your text (Side note: If you're interested, be a man and place a real call. The sickly lions at the edge of the herd are the ones who get into fake-texting games.) With regards to the bolded, there is a difference between being gracious but self-assured and being a condescending puffed up twit who comes across like an egomaniac. "Great guys" do not speak about women the way you do here. You may think you can flirt in a bar, but women will see straight through it eventually and realize the ugliness in your heart.
IF you want a shot at a great girl, you are going to have to address that.
Wow, I don't feel angry. I feel great. I don't hold any bitterness, she was REALLY attractive, I'm pretty sure she just wasn't as attracted to me, but hey, maybe you're right, if a guy can do so much wrong in just sending a simple friendly text then how do I win?
I guess I'm just curious, because I'm trying to keep an open mind with you and not fight you on this, what would YOU recommend I do now at this point? If I've already tainted my perception of me in her eyes with a text, is there any remedy? Would placing a call tonight "give me a chance"?
I'd really like to hear exactly how you think I should've handled this situation. No anger or bitterness, I'd just like to know your solution.
If she was "Really" interested in you she would have responded to a smoke signal! Considering texting is the primary form of communication amongst 20 something men and especially woman she was probably not all that interested. I used to view non-responsive woman as a challenge, but anymore it's a waste of energy when you can call any number of woman up who would jump at the chance of going out with you.
Wow, I don't feel angry. I feel great. I don't hold any bitterness, she was REALLY attractive, I'm pretty sure she just wasn't as attracted to me, but hey, maybe you're right, if a guy can do so much wrong in just sending a simple friendly text then how do I win?
I guess I'm just curious, because I'm trying to keep an open mind with you and not fight you on this, what would YOU recommend I do now at this point? If I've already tainted my perception of me in her eyes with a text, is there any remedy? Would placing a call tonight "give me a chance"?
I'd really like to hear exactly how you think I should've handled this situation. No anger or bitterness, I'd just like to know your solution.
-Learn to accept that sometimes sad things happen and they aren't anyone's fault. Your ex didn't feel you were the right man for her. The relationship ended. It was a sad thing. You have every right to be disappointed. Allowing time to heal would be productive. Allowing it to turn you bitter would be counterproductive.
-Accept that your past has been difficult for you to deal with. Sometimes you need therapy to address bad things that have happened in your past in order to pave the way to a happier future. Ignoring problems or denying they exist will just cause you to keep repeating the same failures. I would get therapy, not because your ex would be "right" if you did, but because it would help you get to a happier place where you could really be a good partner to someone.
-Accept that right now, you are not in a position to be a good partner to anyone. Accordingly, even if this girl had agreed to see you again, it would have failed. If not after one date, then after two. If not after a week, then after a month. Until you address the underlying issues making you sad (from childhood and from your ex), they will infect any relationship, no matter how hard you wish they wouldn't. Forget about the girl from the other night. You're not ready to date anyone so she's kind of irrelevant. Focus on getting you in a better place so that when you're emotionally ready and meet a great girl 6 months from now, you have something to offer. All the talk that you do now comes across as bravado. If you can't open your heart to someone fully, you are incapable of being in a relationship. Period.
-As for the texting versus calling, texting is low-risk. You don't have to face the possibility that she could tell you "no." It's also impersonal. She didn't get to hear your voice, any personality. So the impression she got was: This guy won't even risk a phone call (not much of a go-getter, eh?) and there's nothing invested in it for him. Calling is better. If you were a neurosurgeon whose only opportunity to make contact was between two scheduled 12-hour surgeries at 3 AM, then I might excuse it. For nearly anyone else, it comes across exactly as you described: "My baseball game on TV is more important than you."
Should of called if you were interested in her. Why is it that some guys are afraid to do even that?
I agree. Next time, please call! It's the only way you'll know for certain a girl is interested or not, because: a) not everyone is into texting, b) for all you know, she didn't get the text, c) she just hasn't replied yet, and so on. Texts are a big turn-off to me in the beginning stages of getting to know someone. JUST CALL!
Texting is not a good way to have a conversation, which is what many women need to figure out if you are worth their time and effort.
Scenario 1:
You: Hi, how was your evening?
Her: Fine, thanks.
Result: You have no idea whether she is interested in continuing to text. This could be due to her lack of interest or feeling that you aren't that interested in her. Either way, it's up to you to make the next move, and it's awkward.
Scenario 2:
You: Hi, how was your evening?
Her: Fine, thanks. And yours?
Result: The ball is back in your court, where it was to begin with. You still have to think of something interesting to say. If you respond with anything bland like "Great," the conversation is rapidly descending into Boringtown. This is small talk you make with someone on an elevator.
Scenario 3:
You: Hi, how was your evening?
Her: It was so much fun! Some girlfriends and I went to a party and had a total blast. I don't think I'm ready for the night to be over yet. Do you want to come over?
Result: This never happens.
Think of a time when you have been on the phone with someone who was doing something at the time. That distracted, only-half-listening type of conversation: "Yeah ... right ... mm-hm ... wait, what? I missed that ... uh-huh ... OH GOD DUDE PICK UP THE BALL ... sorry, what? Say that again ... uh-huh ..."
That is what texting is like. You're either sitting, staring at the screen, waiting for the next text to appear so you can type some response, or you're doing something else and not really paying attention. An interesting, engaging conversation is one where you are giving your full attention to the other person, and where the other person is giving the same. Texting is not conducive to that level of engagement. It's too brief, and the other person is not there to provide contextual clues like smiling, nodding, eye contact, gestures, etc. How much can you really glean from "ya lol"? It can mean, "Wow, that was so interesting and funny, and I totally agree," or "Whatever."
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