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Old 01-06-2012, 06:49 AM
 
Location: FL
2,392 posts, read 5,704,819 times
Reputation: 1277

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Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
I have an irritating habit of always picking up the tab when we go out to dinner (with friends, family, etc). I have picked up the tab for 14+ people before. I can't help myself...I am a tab picker upper. This is a well-known thing.

We had two friends who never reciprocated (or even offered to). They are no longer our friends. Yes. The expectation is EXTREMELY annoying. But it is a pure joy to do it for those we love (and who always either fight us for the check or do other things to show their appreciation).

My in-laws say we are the only one of their kids who insists on picking up the tab. They are rich as hell (millions), so all their kids just expect them to buy whenever they go out. I would find that so disrespectful and inconsiderate...I could never do that to them.

I agree with Yzette...people who keep score or go through all these crazy machinations to come up with some stupid formula of who should pay when...that is not how I operate. When I am surrounded by those I love (and vice versa), it's all about how much I can give.
Good on your for being generous but I don't expect my friends to pick up the tab for me and they don't expect me to pick it up for them. If we do fine, but it's not an expectation. It's sounds like for YOU it would be an expectation that you would have of your friends bc you choose to pickup the tab.

Whatevs man. I don't count other people's money so I don't hold people to that expectation nor would I get mad at someone bc they didn't pickup the tab. You're locked into your way of thinking but you should also respect that not everyone in your circle will pickup the tab just bc you choose to do it.
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Old 01-06-2012, 07:06 AM
 
Location: Texas
44,257 posts, read 64,046,055 times
Reputation: 73913
Quote:
Originally Posted by he's so hott View Post
Good on your for being generous but I don't expect my friends to pick up the tab for me and they don't expect me to pick it up for them. If we do fine, but it's not an expectation. It's sounds like for YOU it would be an expectation that you would have of your friends bc you choose to pickup the tab.

Whatevs man. I don't count other people's money so I don't hold people to that expectation nor would I get mad at someone bc they didn't pickup the tab. You're locked into your way of thinking but you should also respect that not everyone in your circle will pickup the tab just bc you choose to do it.
Well, with the friends we dumped, it was a symptom of a bigger problem. They would never offer us food or drink when we went into their house, they were really stingy and always counting other people's money, etc. If that is some cultural thing I just need to 'get over,' then I'll just stick with the kind of friends who enjoy joyously sharing with each other.
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Old 01-06-2012, 07:07 AM
 
Location: Texas
44,257 posts, read 64,046,055 times
Reputation: 73913
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
There is no good reason in 2012 for men to pay. .
I agree 100%.

I kind of get it...I have been (in the past with nasty people) expected to pay because I make the most money. Men still make more money than women...how much do you think that plays into it? (Not that it is right.)
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Old 01-06-2012, 07:26 AM
 
37,407 posts, read 45,595,277 times
Reputation: 56659
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
I agree 100%.

I kind of get it...I have been (in the past with nasty people) expected to pay because I make the most money. Men still make more money than women...how much do you think that plays into it? (Not that it is right.)
I think that plays into it some. However, if a guy comes up to me, a guy that I don't really know, and asks me out on a date, and expects ME to pay for that date? Well, he'll be forgotten in a New York minute. Quicker, even.

Yanno, the part of this that seems pretty obvious to me, and maybe that's because I'm older, is that women like to be wooed. We always have. And men know that. They've always known that. Wooing can be done in many ways. It can be done simply by being charming, or being witty and an incredible conversationalist. It can be done by enlightening a person to new things that they've never seen or done before. It can be done by cooking (we gals are pretty used to that one ). It can be done with sex. And it can be done with money. And yes, men enjoyed being wooed as well, of course. So yes, it can, and does, go both ways.

But usually, usually, it's a case of the guy trying to get the girl. It's this way in nature as well. I don't see why it's anything at all to be puzzled over.

Last edited by ChessieMom; 01-06-2012 at 07:36 AM..
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Old 01-06-2012, 07:33 AM
 
19,045 posts, read 25,110,362 times
Reputation: 13484
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
I agree 100%.

I kind of get it...I have been (in the past with nasty people) expected to pay because I make the most money. Men still make more money than women...how much do you think that plays into it? (Not that it is right.)
I don't know. Perhaps it does play into it like it's a kind of welfare. Hmmm a welfare entitlement eta given that some have entitlement views? Somebody did mention that as reasoning pages ago. If that is the case some of the time then it certainly sets up a power dynamic. It's a matter of compromised independence/autonomy. Choices are limited and dependence is perpetuated. That's not a good space to be in especially when sex and emotions are involved.

Last edited by Braunwyn; 01-06-2012 at 07:52 AM..
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:11 AM
 
Location: OKC
551 posts, read 1,919,876 times
Reputation: 416
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Well, with the friends we dumped, it was a symptom of a bigger problem. They would never offer us food or drink when we went into their house, they were really stingy and always counting other people's money, etc. If that is some cultural thing I just need to 'get over,' then I'll just stick with the kind of friends who enjoy joyously sharing with each other.
3 words would solve all these issues...

RED SOLO CUP!
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:26 AM
 
Location: Houston, Tx
8,227 posts, read 11,095,039 times
Reputation: 8198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
You think the men who are paying for dates are paying because they want women more than women want them?

This thread has me wondering if if not all situations are appropriate for trying to put ourselves in the shoes of another. That's what I try to do as often as I can remember. I don't know if that's something people generally do. But, when I put myself in his or other guys shoes and imagine people expecting me to pay for them I find it annoying as all hell. Do you, or any of the other women in this thread, bother to do that? If so, how do you reconcile the expectation? If you're not doing that, why not? Or, as initially stated, is this just a subject where someone wouldn't bother trying to grasp a different perspective? Lots of questions.
Damn! what has happend to you? You're making too much sense! Were is the old Braunwyn? I think somebody has hacked her user account.
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:32 AM
 
Location: Houston, Tx
8,227 posts, read 11,095,039 times
Reputation: 8198
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
I have an irritating habit of always picking up the tab when we go out to dinner (with friends, family, etc). I have picked up the tab for 14+ people before. I can't help myself...I am a tab picker upper. This is a well-known thing.

We had two friends who never reciprocated (or even offered to). They are no longer our friends. Yes. The expectation is EXTREMELY annoying. But it is a pure joy to do it for those we love (and who always either fight us for the check or do other things to show their appreciation).

My in-laws say we are the only one of their kids who insists on picking up the tab. They are rich as hell (millions), so all their kids just expect them to buy whenever they go out. I would find that so disrespectful and inconsiderate...I could never do that to them.

I agree with Yzette...people who keep score or go through all these crazy machinations to come up with some stupid formula of who should pay when...that is not how I operate. When I am surrounded by those I love (and vice versa), it's all about how much I can give.
Good cop out, she's not talking about going out with your friends. She's talking about women going out with men and always expecting them to pay, because they want to be "wooed".
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:44 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,624 posts, read 34,077,569 times
Reputation: 76586
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
I think that plays into it some. However, if a guy comes up to me, a guy that I don't really know, and asks me out on a date, and expects ME to pay for that date? Well, he'll be forgotten in a New York minute. Quicker, even.
I don't know that I'd go that far but I do agree that if I've been asked out, and I offer to pay and he refuses, I'm not going to fight him about it. I'll pick up the after dinner drinks or movie tickets or get it the next time. Most people I know are the same. There's a difference between that and the handful of women who expect to be treated like princesses all the time because they think they're so special.
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Old 01-06-2012, 11:47 AM
 
6,534 posts, read 7,250,781 times
Reputation: 3800
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
There is no good reason in 2012 for men to pay. They are expected to pay because we're conditioned to believe it's right…Again, I wonder how many of the women have paused, put themselves in the shoes of those that are expected to give, pay, owe, etc A or B, and then form an opinion. There's a whole lot of entitlement here and I'm not understanding how it sits with people in an honest way.
There are some gender roles that made sense hundreds of years ago but not now. I somehow feel that gender roles would limit me and my significant other to give our full potential to the relationship. Does sound silly for men to keep score on how much they paid or not, as silly as women keeping score on when they washed the dishes or cooked. Makes more sense for me and my girl to simply be giving in our relationship right off the bat, no gender roles, no gender entitlements. Just both of us being happy with each other and finding any opportunity to give regardless of who’s the woman/man in the relationship, who asked who, if its initial stages or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
I'll pick up the after dinner drinks or movie tickets or get it the next time


Quote:
...handful of women who expect to be treated like princesses all the time because they think they're so special
How different would it be if those princesses were willing to treat their man the same way but they just don't.
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