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Old 08-08-2011, 10:37 PM
 
1,843 posts, read 3,044,174 times
Reputation: 2506

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Good evening CD friends,

I realize there have been many threads on Domestic Violence or DV and this can be added to the lot however hopefully someone will read this and Get out before it is too late.


A bit of my past, I recently was a DV advocate/Transitional housing coordinator and held that position for 4 years until the position was cut due to funding. I have seen a great deal of things I would have never wanted to see, I have seen, the results, the trauma, broken lives, children traumatized and so forth and I have taken this seriously and have been and always be an advocate

Last Friday as my family and I were enjoying a mini vacation to Disneyland my friend was gunned down and left to bleed on the street like garbage.
I have known this woman for half of my life, I lost contact with her until recently when I ran into her at a friends bday party...she and I hugged as if no time had passed...
She stated that it felt good getting out again, feeling free..ect. I asked her what had happened..she stated she kicked her husband out finally after many years and she was sick of getting beat on.
I stated that this was a good move however did she have a Restraining order in place? or a police report? She stated no and no..
I reiterated the importance of a restraining order and the info needed and she stated she would look into it..THIS WAS about 3 weeks ago...

Well this past Friday around 5 she was up and about town and apparently ran into her estranged husband and they had an argument a scuffle ensued and he shot her (3) times, in the head, the chest and torso...
As my friend lay there building a good samaritun contacted the police and sat with her holding her hand..She was pronounced DOA at the hospital.

My friend died alone with a stranger holding her hand..I have many thoughts going through my head as I type this..
I thought at one point in the day she was happy, she was going to see her parents later on that day, possibly have dinner with them along with her 4 CHILDREN.
She was such a strong woman! A good woman and a good mother..
Her estranged husband skipped town and was caught yesterdaytrying to flee to yuma..

My message?
As a victim? Never take abuse lightly...
Contact the police
Get a restraining order
Go to your local county Victim witness program which is a excellent program under the District attorneys office..
Advocates there will attend court with you
They will provide you and your children with relocation funds if your not near family
They will provide counseling services
They will provide a security system
If there is a restraining order:
Contact authorities everytime the perp calls or is seen in the restricted zone so they can be in violation
Tell neighbors of the situation so they can be vigilant
Tell family members where you are or where you will be
try not to go anywhere alone
If you see the perp DO NOT TRY TO ENGAGE...CALL 911

FOR LOVED ONES OF VICTIMS
kNOW THAT you cannot make them do anything
Know that you can contact authorities if you witness violence and can be anonymous
love and support, never give up...


GET INVOLVED....
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Old 08-09-2011, 12:41 AM
 
Location: Europe, in the Land of the mean
956 posts, read 1,696,374 times
Reputation: 680
So very sorry to hear that dr74. May your friend rest in peace. Am praying for her children and loved ones. We must always help one another,esp those who need it the most.
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:03 AM
 
Location: Northside Of Jacksonville
3,337 posts, read 6,795,741 times
Reputation: 3464
WOW...Her children are going to suffer the most. Definitely RIP to your friend. I can't respect a man that abuses his wife/girlfriend to that extreme.
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:24 AM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,941 posts, read 20,886,489 times
Reputation: 8677
My condolences on your friend - that wasn't a decent death.

I know that being in the DV field you have far more experience than I, but I wonder exactly what the effects of having a RO would have been in this case.

I've heard / personally known of many cases where the RO was totally ineffective; in fact, in several cases it still lead to serious injury or death.

I understand that it's "part of The System", but at what point does it lead to a false sense of security?
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:51 AM
 
2,112 posts, read 2,581,359 times
Reputation: 1772
Quote:
Originally Posted by SifuPhil View Post
My condolences on your friend - that wasn't a decent death.

I know that being in the DV field you have far more experience than I, but I wonder exactly what the effects of having a RO would have been in this case.

I've heard / personally known of many cases where the RO was totally ineffective; in fact, in several cases it still lead to serious injury or death.

I understand that it's "part of The System", but at what point does it lead to a false sense of security?
I've read about that as well. The victims would get shot even if they had a restraining order because their spouses simply ignored the restraining order. How effective are they?

OP, I am very sorry for your loss.
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Old 08-09-2011, 08:06 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 16,749,211 times
Reputation: 8063
Ah, how heartbreaking and at the same time wonderful this original post is! Thank you OP for taking your time and reinforcing on this very important issue.

I'm sorry about your friend.
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Old 08-09-2011, 10:31 AM
ttz
 
Location: Western WA
677 posts, read 1,609,052 times
Reputation: 430
I am very sorry to hear about your friend. I hope he gets whats coming to him. He does not deserve to live.

I think a RO would of not helped much in cases like this (where you run into an ex out in public), as these people are crazy and a RO would not stop them. But it's always a good idea to get one. It helps in situations where the ex would be coming by your work or home repeatedly trying to get back with you or to harass you. But if you were to run into them in public, the rage would overcome the effectiveness. Would he, once he runs into you at the park, go, oh gee my ex, I better walk away as I don't want to get arrested! A sane person would, a crazy loon? Nope. He will be filled with rage and will want to talk to his ex wife and try to get her back, etc and the rest...

Why do these victims not get RO's? The problem is, people with good hearts feel bad and do not want to get the RO, they think it will be too hurtful to ask for one, when in reality, they should as they are getting hurt BY THEM.
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Old 08-09-2011, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Wu Dang Mountain
12,941 posts, read 20,886,489 times
Reputation: 8677
Quote:
Originally Posted by ttz View Post
I think a RO would of not helped much in cases like this (where you run into an ex out in public), as these people are crazy and a RO would not stop them. But it's always a good idea to get one. It helps in situations where the ex would be coming by your work or home repeatedly trying to get back with you or to harass you. But if you were to run into them in public, the rage would overcome the effectiveness. Would he, once he runs into you at the park, go, oh gee my ex, I better walk away as I don't want to get arrested! A sane person would, a crazy loon? Nope. He will be filled with rage and will want to talk to his ex wife and try to get her back, etc and the rest...
I don't believe that a RO would work any better in a private situation than in a public one. I think they're just another tool of the system ...

"Did you take out a restraining order on your spouse? Yes?"

*checks box, moves on to next question*

The idea of a RO, as I understand it, is to discourage someone from being in another person's vicinity. You can't do that with a piece of paper - hell, even the best pshrinks can't stop a person when they are totally committed to a certain course of action. It MAY serve to give pause to a meek, non-violent type, but then you wouldn't be taking out a RO on that type anyway ... I think more times than not they only serve to inflame the passions.
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Old 08-09-2011, 10:48 AM
 
Location: NW Nevada
17,607 posts, read 14,355,850 times
Reputation: 16346
Tragic ...and all to common. Take some small comfort in the fact that your friend is far more than some nameless statistic to a lot of folks out here. I, to, have has to see people I care about go through abusive partners....though not to such an extreme as this.
As you said, get involved. One need not stand by, helpless, while some vermin ridden filth beats on someone you care for. I would not recommend some of the methods I have used in the past. Though effective they are not subtle nor pretty and require a certain poi.t of view to be utilized.
Restraining orders are OK....providing the person involved is not to determined. Beyond that, be prepared to get nasty ....and I mean rabid raccoon nasty...never take an abuser for granted. The life you save may be your own.
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Old 08-09-2011, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, TX
9,396 posts, read 15,087,983 times
Reputation: 6257
If a person is sick enough to abuse a person they claim to love I somehow doubt they'd respect a piece of paper telling them to not get too close to their victim.

The only language these animals understand is violence, I say put every domestic abuser in prison for life but the bleeding hearts would have none of it.
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