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Ok , so to make a long story short (kind of) . Ive been in love with this girl since I was 14 and she loved me or so I thought , but because we were just kids and lived 2 hrs away from eachother it never went any further than being fwb. We got older and around 18 we got into a serious relationship and I moved from my home town (oxnard,ca) to hers (lancaster,ca) and everything was going good. After a year of being together she got pregnant and I grew the f**k up quick and stepped up to the plate and we had our daughter, things were fine at first right after the baby arrived but after about a year she got more and more distant and less interested in me physically and emotionally. Ive done everything I possibly could to fix whatever was wrong because I blamed myself but after a few months of blaming myself and trying to fix things ( We have been together 3 years at this point) , I realized that I was not the problem , and she agreed completely. So as of this week we are splitting up and getting joint custody of our daughter (who is my world) and I am moving back to my hometown and getting an apartment with my best friend.
(Long short story I know)
So my question is after being a family man how do I go about going back to being single? Im still young (22 in october) I definitely dont want another relationship for a while after giving the last one everything I had and it failing. How do I get back on the prowl? I really just want to go out and have some fun (ex is the only woman i've slept with). But I dont really know where to start or what to do with myself besides work and (of course) be a good dad.
Any advice is appreciated , thank you.
Last edited by MisterGuy; 08-16-2011 at 10:41 PM..
Reason: Making the title bigger
Hang in there, sounds like you're on the right track. Take some time (however long is up to you) get adjusted to your new digs, and see your baby as often as you can, make your child first, but, get to know YOU again...Enjoy life and your friends and family. Good Luck!
Ok , so to make a long story short (kind of) . Ive been in love with this girl since I was 14 and she loved me or so I thought , but because we were just kids and lived 2 hrs away from eachother it never went any further than being fwb. We got older and around 18 we got into a serious relationship and I moved from my home town (oxnard,ca) to hers (lancaster,ca) and everything was going good. After a year of being together she got pregnant and I grew the f**k up quick and stepped up to the plate and we had our daughter, things were fine at first right after the baby arrived but after about a year she got more and more distant and less interested in me physically and emotionally. Ive done everything I possibly could to fix whatever was wrong because I blamed myself but after a few months of blaming myself and trying to fix things ( We have been together 3 years at this point) , I realized that I was not the problem , and she agreed completely. So as of this week we are splitting up and getting joint custody of our daughter (who is my world) and I am moving back to my hometown and getting an apartment with my best friend.
(Long short story I know)
So my question is after being a family man how do I go about going back to being single? Im still young (22 in october) I definitely dont want another relationship for a while after giving the last one everything I had and it failing. How do I get back on the prowl? I really just want to go out and have some fun (ex is the only woman i've slept with). But I dont really know where to start or what to do with myself besides work and (of course) be a good dad.
Any advice is appreciated , thank you.
My advice is going to be difficult for you to hear but its going to help you and be best for you in the long run. You need alot of time off of female relationships because what youre going thru is the emotional equivalent of being hit by a Train and you need time to heal and to learn from your past mistakes...which leads me to the second bit of mature advice : It was sexual immorality that was the catalyst for you being where you are at today , and continuing in that lifestyle by using women for mere copulations then dumping them is not what you need for healing ; in fact, there is a heightened chance you just may get another female pregnant who will refuse to slaughter her (and your) developing child while in the womb....and you will have compounded your problems. I think at your young age of 22, youve got a quick taste of what living immorally can do and now its time to walk the other route ...which leads me to my final advice : Find a good large local Church that has an active Adult SIngles Ministry in your age range that you can get connected with, so you can enjoy healthy relationships with same and opposite sex people and where you invite God to be an integral part of your life including asking forgiveness for past choices ; do this in conjunction with showering your lovely child with as much love as you are able to.
If per chance you decide to go against this new route mentioned, then at least pay attention to what occurs when you willfully get further away from God and his loving protective moral mandates for your life and let that be a good learning experience. This has been the best advice I could ever give anyone . Regards.
My advise is going to be different than others as i've been in your place. No kids of my own but a couple of very similar situations with women. Get back to your home town and hook up with you old guy friends. Hit the bars, have some fun. When you are on your own you need to keep your mind busy and off the failed relationship. It's time to dive into a hobby, hit the gym etc.
The easiest way to get over a failed relationship is to find a new women to spend time with. Doesn't mean you have to sleep with her or anything like that. Just a female to spend time with is all you need. At the same time I would work on yourself. Being young you most likely don't know yourself very well but it sounds to me like you have grown up quick and are well on your way to becoming a man. Take time and see what it is you truly like to do and follow those wants and desires.
Don't be in a hurry to get back into the dating world. It's a long, annoying, baffling, and superficial path you have to adhere to. That's just how women are, it's going to suck getting back into dating. Especially if you haven't had practice at it and don't know how to do the right "things" to gain and keep a woman's interest. Unfortunately, being yourself, respectful, and kind are not enough these days. You are dealing with women who plan their thursday nights around jersey shore and sex in the city. You're on their turf if you decide to hunt that game.
I'd say take some time to recuperate. Find ways to improve yourself, focus more on your own happiness. Most women you will try to date will not be worth any of your effort, so instead take the motivation of your failed relationship to be spent on you, not some woman who most likely won't appreciate you.
Example: I lost 30 lbs and added probably just as much in muscle in 3 months. I spent more time with family and my friends. I'm starting some group guitar lessons in the fall. I've joined 3 flag football teams this fall as well. Fill your schedule with things that benefit you, and if you can come across a woman that is flexible enough to see you on YOUR time, not hers, then go with it. Just make sure you don't cater to her.
Basically, don't worry about the dating world and work on yourself. You've got time to dedicate to being a father. You can use some of the "free" time for figuring out how to be an actual father and not just the sperm donor who spends x amount of time with me each week. Speaking as the child of separated parents, this is a challenge.
Because you went straight from high school to fatherhood, more or less, you've missed out on the life of a fancy-free young adult. Make some friends, kick back, have a beer, and enjoy friends once in awhile. Take it from me, this does wonders for your mental state and grounding yourself in reality.
My advice has worked for me.
Get some strange, do not get a phone # or exchange names even.
Kind of a reset for the brain that tells you that you are worthy.
You do not want to be clingy to the next available chick regardless.
It might be worth interacting with women on a "just friends" basis for a while. Since you've been so focused on your ex for so long, it may take some time to just get comfortable talking to other women.
And I think you're right to concentrate on being a good dad. I'm sure the split hasn't been easy on your daughter.
Good luck to you.
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