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He just broke one of the pictures hanging on the wall. And disconnected the faucet. And told me if I learned my lesson on not ever calling a plumber without his permission.
As a month ago, he broke something on the toilet and it was dripping, so I called a plumber to fix it. ANd he got mad then. So this time, he really flipped out. I've never seen him act like this.
I don't know how to leave as he took the car and the other car is a truck and that's too big for me to drive...
So you married a control freak? And when you called the plumber you bruised his ego Well, shame on him for his poor behavior. But if you let it go on, then shame on you for not protecting yourself and your kids better.
Try reminding him that a good marriage takes teamwork and teammates. Right now he's acting like you are a member of the opposing team that needs to be destroyed.
I strongly recommend some counseling so you guys could learn some tools for working with one another instead of against each other. This marriage won't likely survive if you don't get some help.
We went a couple times, but he just gets mad after the fact when I say things. Or doesn't like it when they side with me.
Hmm. Well I mentioned a few times to please fix it by this weekend or next weekend. And I said let's just get a plumber. He alsways said he would do it this weekend and it never gets done. However, I didn't go about it exactly the way some have mentioned it. We should have come up with a compromise, and said ok you have a month to do ti, and if it's not done I can get a plumber.
So, from the sound of this and your other follow-ups, it doesn't seem like you two fit together very well as a couple. He's got some definitely issues. He loses his temper, manipulates, calls names and screams. None of those are okay. Unless both of you want to fix the marriage and are willing to change behavior patterns that cause problems, there's no chance counseling or anything else will work. From what you're saying, it sounds like he's not willing to consider changing his behavior at all. And why would he be? You've always gone along with it and allowed him to be a crazy tyrant. (This is not to blame you--but merely from a behavioral standpoint--he gets his fix from the crazy tyrant thing.)
The real question is whether you've had enough and want to make changes and demand respect for yourself (and frankly, the only way to do that is by leaving) or whether you want to keep living this way. If you're hoping that maybe if he freaks out by you being gone, he'll change, let me warn you that the chances are very slim. BUT, if it has any hope of working, it would have to be with exhaustive measures. He would have to be willing to attend individual and couples counseling. He would have to be willing to address his problems. You would live apart from him, only starting to reconcile and move back in after progress had been made and with the understanding that ONE incident would send you packing forever. I'm not sure he's willing to do that. Are you? For sure, he will not change unless you do something drastic. He's gotten his way for far too long and you've let him make you into a doormat.
No my husband isn't like that extreme, not physically abusive and doesn't do the things you mentioned above. That's why it's tricky. The answer is easy if he did all of that, I'd leave in a heartbeat. But it's not that bad.
He's generous when it comes to buying clothes, facials, manicures, getting my hair done, shopping, etc. He doesn't give silent treatment or buy things w/o consulting me. Doesn't shove or physically dominate me.
It's just these overreactions to some things, where I think there are solutions for, but just not applying a solution to it.
I will say though he does undermine me in front of friends (we have a couple friends but they are through him) and I don't have any friends of my own where I live. And neither of us have relatives in the area.
Here's the thing that they never show in movies... abuse is insidious in the way that it starts. The movies always start at the point where the victim is getting the crud beat out of them. What they don't show is the months and years of grooming where it slowly grows worse until you get to that point.
Make no mistake, you're on that road. He's using threats, screaming cursing, breaking pictures, undermining you in front of mutual friends (in order to show his power and keep you feeling small, and also to isolate you) and probably other behaviors you don't even recognize. Eventually, the behaviors will increase. I'll bet he didn't act that way in the first weeks you were dating, right? Of course not. He was trying to hook you back then. Now that it's harder for you to go, he can exercise more power over you. And if you stay after this terrible abusive display of temper with cursing, threats and screaming, guess what you'll teach him? He'll learn that you'll take that abuse. So he'll up the ante the next time he needs to get your attention.
IF you want any hope of saving this, leave now and do not set another foot in a room with him alone until he has gone to counseling with you (for months, not once.) Until you demonstrate (by leaving, words are meaningless) that you will not be abused, you are teaching him that it is okay to abuse you.
No my husband isn't like that extreme, not physically abusive and doesn't do the things you mentioned above. That's why it's tricky. The answer is easy if he did all of that, I'd leave in a heartbeat. But it's not that bad.
He's generous when it comes to buying clothes, facials, manicures, getting my hair done, shopping, etc. He doesn't give silent treatment or buy things w/o consulting me. Doesn't shove or physically dominate me.
It's just these overreactions to some things, where I think there are solutions for, but just not applying a solution to it.
I will say though he does undermine me in front of friends (we have a couple friends but they are through him) and I don't have any friends of my own where I live. And neither of us have relatives in the area.
Oh, heck yes, ma'am, he is most certainly physically dominating you. He is using his violent outbursts to intimidate you.
In fact, he has objectified you. He dresses you up with clothes and salon visits and expects you to behave like a pretty little doll, there when he wants to play with you, but silent and out of the way on a shelf when he doesn't want your input--and the shelf has to be where he knows you are at all times, judging by his obsessive calling to your workplace. Furthermore, he has isolated you from any kind of social support. Something tells me that the reason you do not have any friends where you live is because he is jealous and suspicious and you've decided it is easier to avoid his temper tantrums by staying home.
He is dehumanizing you in his own mind, a classic path for abusers to take. It's only a matter of time before it gets "that bad."
Here's the thing that they never show in movies... abuse is insidious in the way that it starts. The movies always start at the point where the victim is getting the crud beat out of them. What they don't show is the months and years of grooming where it slowly grows worse until you get to that point.
Make no mistake, you're on that road. He's using threats, screaming cursing, breaking pictures, undermining you in front of mutual friends (in order to show his power and keep you feeling small, and also to isolate you) and probably other behaviors you don't even recognize. Eventually, the behaviors will increase. I'll bet he didn't act that way in the first weeks you were dating, right? Of course not. He was trying to hook you back then. Now that it's harder for you to go, he can exercise more power over you. And if you stay after this terrible abusive display of temper with cursing, threats and screaming, guess what you'll teach him? He'll learn that you'll take that abuse. So he'll up the ante the next time he needs to get your attention.
IF you want any hope of saving this, leave now and do not set another foot in a room with him alone until he has gone to counseling with you (for months, not once.) Until you demonstrate (by leaving, words are meaningless) that you will not be abused, you are teaching him that it is okay to abuse you.
Yes. Thank you for saying this Yzette and h886 so I didn't have to.
You brush it off because it's "not that bad." You take the high road -- why make a big deal if he gets angry from time to time, we all do, right? And he buys you stuff, etc. (so did my lovely husband). It can be very very confusing.
But something made you post all of this under a header
"husband really nasty and rude"
You know it is a matter of time. You are hanging in there until it gets that bad hoping it won't and reassuring yourself that it isn't.
Was he like this BEFORE you got serious with him? I wonder alot about men and women who claim there bf or gf are all these negative things Suprised that they did not see tell tale signs much sooner or better yet before they said I DO
Almost forgot -- this is the organization that helped me: Caring Unlimited - Caring Unlimited
(I like the clickable button on their site "How to Clear your Browser History" -- he never has to know you researched this)
Here's a national organization: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Calling the state contact can get you a list of meeting places and times in your area. If you go to a meeting or support group YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TALK OR SAY ANYTHING, you can just listen.
You need support, back-up and comfort. You need someone to talk to in your area. You should not feel alone or stranded -- you can always escape, even if he "takes the car".
Sorry to keep posting. Here is a paragraph from a page in the above link: What is Domestic Violence and Abuse?
Domestic violence and abuse is a pattern of coercive behavior that is used by a person against family or household members or dating partners to gain power or control over the other party in a relationship. This behavior may include any of the following: physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional and psychological intimidation, verbal abuse and threats, stalking, isolation from friends and family, economic control, destruction of personal property and animal cruelty. Domestic violence occurs between of all racial, economic, educational and religious backgrounds. It occurs in heterosexual and same-sex relationships, between married and unmarried partners, between current and former partners and between other family and household members.
(Sorry it is so huge and bold. I copied it directly! )
Complete childish a@@hole. Tell him to grow a penis and act like a proper man.
Jeez, I swear, I'm so sick and tired of people not behaving properly.
Doesn't anyone look at their lives, take stock, and try and be a better person????
I wonder if it's appropriate behaviour to call someone's husband an a@@hole in the presence of the former, irrespective of the latter's actions
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Well, shame on him for his poor behavior. But if you let it go on, then shame on you for not protecting yourself and your kids better.
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