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To clarify - he told her he was NOT sleeping with the other woman and hadn't touched her. (She believes him but I don't.)
This is an important point why? There are precious few fault states anymore, and even where there are, infidelity is near impossible to prove in divorce court. Judges see so much of it, they just don't want to hear the he said she said.
This is an important point why? There are precious few fault states anymore, and even where there are, infidelity is near impossible to prove in divorce court. Judges see so much of it, they just don't want to hear the he said she said.
Infidelity is VERY important in some states, I think somebody mentioned she was in NC. Very important there, as its ground for cause- that is probably why he's claiming he "never thouched her", to protect himself legally. BS. Men cheat physically, I would only buy that on the female side, as they are prone to cheat emotionally. No way a man would go through all this hassle and risk and leave his kids and make plans to rent an apartment with a woman and her child because he has "feelings". NO WAY.
I agree with not bashing the Dad, not only is it not healthy to the kids if they have a negative perception of their Dad, but it will probably backfire because of their instict of loyalty towards a parent. As an adult, I can hardly stand my mother myself, but God forbid a negative word comes out of my husband's mouth... and it's ON. Let them have their own perceptions. I don't think that's going to be an issue for now, because she is obviously still seeing him through Rose colored glasses.
True on the bank account. My suggestion is if the joint account is still intact, to go grocery shopping, target, etc, and take out CASH along with it. She is going to need some reserves, but it won't look as bad as if she took cash deposits. If she doesn't feel right about that, remind her about all the dinners with the other woman that he will/probably has charges on their mutual account, and the money he will be taking from her kids by supporting this new kid..
I am wondering what advice to give a friend (actually a family member), particularly from a legal perspective. I'll try to keep my emotions and thoughts out of it and just give the facts:
After some long and confusing talks, her husband, with whom she has two kids (8 yr old boy, 12 yr old girl) has decided to leave her for a younger woman (with a toddler, not his). He is "trying to do the right thing" and wants to put their house solely in his name so that when they can no longer make payments and their credit is ruined, it will only be his credit. He wants her to continue living there as long as she can, which he will pay for his half as long as he can, while also renting an apartment for himself and his new mistress/child where he will be living. He wants to come to the house certain days of the week to still do his laundry. He says he hasn't touched this other woman (yet) but loves her and wants to be with her and doesn't love my friend anymore. Note that he is also bipolar, clinically depressed, and has a host of other psychological issues for which he has given up meds and refuses counseling (for himself and has denied it for him and my friend as a couple since this came up).
You can see how crazy this is and it's all so sudden for my friend - 2 weeks ago he loved her and they were planning another child. (My thoughts: he's been planning this for much longer, is totally sleeping with the other woman, and his illnesses are preventing him from making good decisions.) But this isn't about him - what advice can I give her to help protect her and the kids going forward?
So far the advice she's been given has been:
1. Get an attorney asap. She says she can't afford one. (But don't most give free consults?)
2. Someone told her do not leave that house - because she doesn't need to look like "the one that left."
3. I told her to change the locks and put all his crap outside on the lawn. She doesn't want to hurt him despite what he's done and thinks she couldn't hide this from the kids (he is planning to tell them today).
She has no idea what steps she should take or what to do at this point. I feel at a loss as to how to help her (I'm 3+ hours away with limited funds and a <900 sq foot house, so I can't take them in). Can anyone give me pointers on what I could do to help her, or advice to give her, keeping the kids foremost in our minds? FYI, she is a nurse and does work full-time.
TIA!
The part I bolded is both confusing and also a huge red flag. No way is putting the house in his name only "doing the right thing" for her. She needs a lawyer no matter what the cost.
The part I bolded is both confusing and also a huge red flag. No way is putting the house in his name only "doing the right thing" for her. She needs a lawyer no matter what the cost.
What state are they in? He can feel free to put the MORTGAGE in his name only, but make sure the DEED is in both their name. BIG difference.
Great points everyone - unfortunately we're learning a lot. Thank you all so much for your advice, which I'll be passing along. It's been difficult for me to see things clearly for her from being so close. Thanks again!
She needs to not believe a word he says and consult an attorney immediately. Nothing good can come of the "arrangements" that he proposes. And she has a great deal more to lose than he does.
Tell her to use her head and not her heart when dealing with him.
The only advice that counts is hiring a lawyer. There is way too much going on for anyone not familiar with the legal intricacies of that state and without all of the pertinent details to give any real advice on what to do.
The only thing I can tell for you for a fact is that you just can't change the name on a house, especially when a mortgage is involved. It is a rather intricate process, not something you just pick up the phone and do and may not even be possible depending on the situation. Additionally, she cannot legally bar him from the premises without some kind of court order. If she just changes the locks on her own accord, he is completely within his rights to call the police and force her to let him in. Like I said, way too involved a situation for anything short of an attorney.
Since I know zip about the legalities of divorce I'll focus on what I'd do if she were my friend. As her friend I'd sit her down and tell her how the cow ate the cabbage. Which would start with finding the meanest SOB lawyer I could afford. I'd tell her she could take it to the bank that he's sleeping with the young thang. He can save his quarters and go to the laundramat. She doesn't want to "hurt him"? What? Like he hasn't hurt her?
I'd also tell her to forget him "doing the right thing". Doing the right thing means not forgetting you have a wife and two children at home in the first place.
Then I'd tell her he's a grown man who has made the decision to go off his meds. She needs to think about her kids and herself because he certainly hasn't been thinking of them. And I'd tell her to find out about getting a DNA test on the toddler who "isn't his".
Then I'd hug her and let her cry it out and assure her I was there for her if she wanted to call at 2am.
I am so sorry your friend is going through this. You are a good friend for wanting to help her. Try and be the friend who thinks clearly because she won't be for a very long time.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 09-08-2011 at 01:31 PM..
I'd also tell her to forget him "doing the right thing". Doing the right thing means not forgetting you have a wife and two children at home in the first place.
+1
That ship has sailed!
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