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I am wondering what advice to give a friend (actually a family member), particularly from a legal perspective. I'll try to keep my emotions and thoughts out of it and just give the facts:
After some long and confusing talks, her husband, with whom she has two kids (8 yr old boy, 12 yr old girl) has decided to leave her for a younger woman (with a toddler, not his). He is "trying to do the right thing" and wants to put their house solely in his name so that when they can no longer make payments and their credit is ruined, it will only be his credit. He wants her to continue living there as long as she can, which he will pay for his half as long as he can, while also renting an apartment for himself and his new mistress/child where he will be living. He wants to come to the house certain days of the week to still do his laundry. He says he hasn't touched this other woman (yet) but loves her and wants to be with her and doesn't love my friend anymore. Note that he is also bipolar, clinically depressed, and has a host of other psychological issues for which he has given up meds and refuses counseling (for himself and has denied it for him and my friend as a couple since this came up).
You can see how crazy this is and it's all so sudden for my friend - 2 weeks ago he loved her and they were planning another child. (My thoughts: he's been planning this for much longer, is totally sleeping with the other woman, and his illnesses are preventing him from making good decisions.) But this isn't about him - what advice can I give her to help protect her and the kids going forward?
So far the advice she's been given has been:
1. Get an attorney asap. She says she can't afford one. (But don't most give free consults?)
2. Someone told her do not leave that house - because she doesn't need to look like "the one that left."
3. I told her to change the locks and put all his crap outside on the lawn. She doesn't want to hurt him despite what he's done and thinks she couldn't hide this from the kids (he is planning to tell them today).
She has no idea what steps she should take or what to do at this point. I feel at a loss as to how to help her (I'm 3+ hours away with limited funds and a <900 sq foot house, so I can't take them in). Can anyone give me pointers on what I could do to help her, or advice to give her, keeping the kids foremost in our minds? FYI, she is a nurse and does work full-time.
She needs an attorney, and should probably seek some kind of counseling. Chances are there are some free services in her area to help women in her situation.
She should also not let the dead beat "husband" return to the house, even just to do laundry. Too much chance things end up suddenly "disappearing". Changing the locks is probably a good idea.
She needs an attorney, and should probably seek some kind of counseling. Chances are there are some free services in her area to help women in her situation.
She should also not let the dead beat "husband" return to the house, even just to do laundry. Too much chance things end up suddenly "disappearing". Changing the locks is probably a good idea.
If his name is on the mortgage and there haven't been any legal proceedings, she can't lock him out.
Check with battered woman shelter on free legal. Your friend has become a battered woman in a sense (mentally). She needs to seek counseling for her and the children. I would suggest not intentionally locking the husband out but maybe just not being around when he shows up and letting him know that the house is not available to him until she is home. Check with a lawyer each state is different on divorce situations. The man appears to be trying to be nice but as my mother always said "do not believe a wolf in sheeps clothing". The whole thing about putting the house in only his name is questionable. This man would have to pay spouse and children support if she is not working depending on his and her job and situation. Good Luck!!! PS. The man and young woman having been intimitate is not even close to being knowledge that the wife should know. This is just wrong for the man to have told her.
He is "trying to do the right thing" and wants to put their house solely in his name so that when they can no longer make payments and their credit is ruined, it will only be his credit. He wants her to continue living there as long as she can, which he will pay for his half as long as he can, while also renting an apartment for himself and his new mistress/child where he will be living. He wants to come to the house certain days of the week to still do his laundry. He says he hasn't touched this other woman (yet) but loves her and wants to be with her and doesn't love my friend anymore
First of all she needs a lawyer, and NEVER trust a cheating spouse who is ditching his wife for a younger model.
I have a family member who found out her husband was cheating and when they were divorcing, he tried to convince her she didn't have the money to hire her own lawyer and they would share his lawyer. He planned to keep the house, keep the kids, keep his boat, keep his retirement savings and told her she could go home to her mother.
Wrong. Her lawyer got her the house, the kids, child support, and he had to keep her on a medical insurance plan, sell a lot they owned to pay off the mortgage on the house so she could afford it. He got to keep a truck, a few personal items, and relocate to a small apartment. His girlfriend lost interest and stayed with her husband so he ended up alone for a time.
And even more, never trust the lover of the spouse to encourage him or her to do what's best for you and your children. Very very likely the new lover is eyeing up everything the wife has for herself.
Check with battered woman shelter on free legal. Your friend has become a battered woman in a sense (mentally). She needs to seek counseling for her and the children. I would suggest not intentionally locking the husband out but maybe just not being around when he shows up and letting him know that the house is not available to him until she is home. Check with a lawyer each state is different on divorce situations. The man appears to be trying to be nice but as my mother always said "do not believe a wolf in sheeps clothing". The whole thing about putting the house in only his name is questionable. This man would have to pay spouse and children support if she is not working depending on his and her job and situation. Good Luck!!! PS. The man and young woman having been intimitate is not even close to being knowledge that the wife should know. This is just wrong for the man to have told her.
She is not a battered woman. Those resources are not at her disposal.
Your friend cannot afford to be without an attorney. She needs to consult with one immediately. Around here there are services that promise divorce without war. Perhaps they should consult one of these services together. These mediation type attorneys tend to be cheaper than your typical warlike attorney. I have friends who used one here in FL and it worked out well for both of them. They sold the house and agreed on a split of the proceeds. It cost much less than fighting over the house.
Good luck to your friend. The last thing she should do is just believe her husband that he will do the right thing. She needs an attorney, or they need mediation but she should not go totally unrepresnted.
To clarify - he told her he was NOT sleeping with the other woman and hadn't touched her. (She believes him but I don't.)
I agree she isn't technically a battered woman and those resources aren't available. I have found some counseling in her area that accept insurance and work on sliding fees, that I plan to send her, and the NC Advocates for Justice website has a list of attorneys that will provide information about the law for her for free. I think she could afford the help if they took insurance or allowed some kind of payment methods. I've never had to use an attorney so not sure how they work. I'm researching now though and learning more as I go.
Also if she's a nurse working full time, she most certainly can afford a lawyer, she doesn't even need the free legal services designed for the welfare dependent.
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