First time dating again in many years (wife, married, women)

[sincerelyme]

And I'm a bit rusty, plus dating in my 40's is different than it was in my 20's. I am a newly single woman, never married coming out of a 10 year relationship.

Exchanged emails with a guy for quite awhile, that I met online. Didn't go out with him though but he pursued me for a while, months. Finally I agreed to but I cancelled 2 hours before the date (I know it was bad but I truly had to). Texted him the next morning to see if he was busy but he was. He texted me several days later but I was busy all weekend. I texted him to see if he was available and he said he was but had to meet a friend later that night so we had to meet early. We met, and talked and laughed a lot. He touched my arm several times and was very engaging. He left, as was planned, hugged me and didn't ask me out on a second date.

I texted him 20 minutes later ((I know that seems fast but I felt I blew him off for so long maybe I should be forward) and said we should meet again but (insert joke). He texted me an hour or two later with a joke but not confirming that we should do it again. I texted back and said thank you for the evening, no response. Should I just write it off as he is not interested since he responded but didn't ask me out? It seems he would have said that yes we should do it again instead of just a joke.

[sincerelyme]

PS I forgot to mention I did not explain to him in person why I had to cancel the first date, I completely forgot to do so.

[LoveWisdom]

Originally Posted by sincerelyme

And I'm a bit rusty, plus dating in my 40's is different than it was in my 20's. I am a newly single woman, never married coming out of a 10 year relationship.

Exchanged emails with a guy for quite awhile, that I met online. Didn't go out with him though but he pursued me for a while, months. Finally I agreed to but I cancelled 2 hours before the date (I know it was bad but I truly had to). Texted him the next morning to see if he was busy but he was. He texted me several days later but I was busy all weekend. I texted him to see if he was available and he said he was but had to meet a friend later that night so we had to meet early. We met, and talked and laughed a lot. He touched my arm several times and was very engaging. He left, as was planned, hugged me and didn't ask me out on a second date.

I texted him 20 minutes later ((I know that seems fast but I felt I blew him off for so long maybe I should be forward) and said we should meet again but (insert joke). He texted me an hour or two later with a joke but not confirming that we should do it again. I texted back and said thank you for the evening, no response. Should I just write it off as he is not interested since he responded but didn't ask me out? It seems he would have said that yes we should do it again instead of just a joke.

I know it's emotionally risky, but I think you need to ask him point blank: would you like to go on a date with me again or do you just want to be friends? Lots of the time, if we simply guess the other person's response rather than asking them, we could be jumping to the wrong conclusions.

It's possible that he is trying to gently tell you "no second date is on the menu". But what if you are wrong?

[Checkered24]

I'd think he would have said something about another date if he was truly interested.

I am not sure canceling is the reason if he does not, because he did reschedule.

Maybe he just isn't the one. If he is, he will contact you. Best of luck!

[sincerelyme]

I understand what you are saying, but I messaged him that we should do it again, that was my way of asking him out or opening the door for him to ask me out....and he did not message yes, we should, he just made a joke, so I've probably answered my own question! Dating again in your 40s is not easy!

Originally Posted by DayLight1555

I know it's emotionally risky, but I think you need to ask him point blank: would you like to go on a date with me again or do you just want to be friends? Lots of the time, if we simply guess the other person's response rather than asking them, we could be jumping to the wrong conclusions.

It's possible that he is trying to gently tell you "no second date is on the menu". But what if you are wrong?

[fleetiebelle]

You need to call this guy, talk to him, and explain yourself, not just text him. Half the reason why this forum is crawling with with confused people is because texts and emails are impersonal and easily misinterpreted.

[Mikala43]

He has been consistently non-responsive to you, if I were in your situation I would take it that he had very little interest in me, and leave it at that.

When men are interested they make it known.

[Keeper]

It is hard dating after you have been out of it for so long. I had one man tell me he wanted to see me again and asked if I wanted to see him. Gave me a hug and left. So what does that mean? Well apparently it meant he didn't really want to see me again. He couldn't because he was working on his house, didn't like to talk on the phone but he sent me several emails and then nothing. So you never know if they are just being nice or if they really mean it.

I agree with calling him just once. Thank him person for a lovely time. If he wants to see you again.. he will call

[Doctor Blues]

Originally Posted by sincerelyme

PS I forgot to mention I did not explain to him in person why I had to cancel the first date, I completely forgot to do so.

OK, when men hear you say that you have to cancel two hours ahead giving no reason whatsoever (and even sometimes with a really good reason) they assume one or more of the following:

A: "She really doesn't like me/I can't hold her interest/she strung me along and then canceled at the last minute rather than doing it the day before so it did not inconvenience me too greatly - therefore she holds my personal life in disregard. She gave me NO reason at all!"

B: "She lied to me just to get rid of me, she agreed to go out with absolutely no intention of follow-thru; she has no ethics and can't be trusted".

C:"She finds going out with me so distasteful she had to lie about why she couldn't show up/she doesn't think I will take rejection with equanimity, i.e., she expects me to be an emotional whiner/lash out, which means she's pre-judged me to fail, which means she's now doubting her own choice because she is now projecting that characteristic on me without even bothering to get to know me at all, in fact maybe she really hates men or has a self-fulfilled failure prophecy??". Yep, this guy had therapy or needs it! He over-thinks everything.

D: "she's a flake -just another in a long chain that I have to put up with to meet 'the one' " (this is the guy with thick skin who takes nothing personally).

Even if you HAD given him a really good reason that was actually legitimate, because most men have been thru this so many times it's pathetic, most men will assume:

E: "She's not playing on the level/being sincere/truthful, why should I ask her out again?" (You might actually be telling the truth but it's like the boy who cried wolf; no guy is going to believe you when he's had 100 women lie to him in the past and cancel at the last moment.)

F: "there's zero chance she really wants to go out; any further effort on my part to persuade her/interact in that cause will make me look like a fool, and a needy one at that". (At this point he is/might be projecting, but it's a self-defense tactic to avoid getting hurt worse.)

I'm sorry, I've been around a long time, and I was able to work part time during the time my daughter was seriously ill with a rare genetic disorder from which she eventually died (and I fulfilled all my professional contracts during that 2-year hell); and years later also took care of a wife dying of brain cancer while everyone else fell apart; I just don't have sympathy for people who break their word for minor reasons, or give no reason whatsoever. Even if it's overtime, if they know their boss is likely to ask it at odd moments, why commit to a date in the first place??

But I also know you didn't mean any of it in a mean way, it's one of the first experiences for you in recent history, so next time you can improve and not make the same mistake.

Gotta remember the bottom line: for a lot of men you cancel on a guy two hours ahead his ego is trashed. It's entirely possible he's thinking to himself: "If I truly mattered she would have made it work", therefore in his mind he IS unimportant. But perhaps he's the thick-skinned type.

Rant over,

Peace,

Doctor Blues

[30STM]

don;t make it hard for yourself........... just go out and have fun and if you meet someone don't look at it as a date look at it as if your just meeting a friend.........take your time and let faith make its way.