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She's his dependent in reality. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the situation. Couples should do whatever works for them. I'm just addressing the facts. She's his dependent and she is financially at his mercy. Frankly, I do not see the merit in not acknowledging this fact. Look at men who complain about having to pay alimony. They made the decision to have a dependent. With that comes real life responsibility. And being a dependent comes with the realty that you are not financially independent. I'm not sure why acknowledging this is a bad thing.
Not trying to argue with you my friend, but in some marriages, especially really long term ones with a proven track record like funisart has, husbands and wives are true partners with an equal stake in the relationship in ALL ways, including financial.
They simply do not acknowledge or give any credibility to one partner being more dependent on another financially - the concept doesn't exist to them. They view themselves as EQUALLY dependent on one another regardless of what the numbers may show on the paychecks.
I have this kind of marriage, so I completely get what funisart is saying
Not trying to argue with you my friend, but in some marriages, especially really long term ones with a proven track record like funisart has, husbands and wives are true partners with an equal stake in the relationship in ALL ways, including financial.
They simply do not acknowledge or give any credibility to one partner being more dependent on another financially - the concept doesn't exist to them. They view themselves as EQUALLY dependent on one another regardless of what the numbers may show on the paychecks.
I have this kind of marriage, so I completely get what funisart is saying
I know you do, LM. And I'm so happy it works for you. You deserve it. You're just that awesome. Still...your lifestyle is afforded to you by your husband. Likewise, the home you created for your family I'm sure is largely due to you. Now, I'm going to throw this out there. It's a big deal to work day in and day out at a job to afford a person the luxury of not having to make that sacrifice. Any of us (man or woman), given the money, would stay home with our family and do the home toil. Working is the lessor of two evils. Working the homestead (home, kids, etc) is what we live for. It's a big deal to me that I gave my husband the opportunity to go to school. He's straight on the fact that I gave him that gift. A gift we give to the people we love. That was mine to give, not his, not ours. The clarity here is that I went to work every day. I got the wrinkles from it. I got the grey hair from it. I got all the stress from it. I allowed it.
So, in my mind, every trip taken is based on a sacrifice by the working spouse. H/She allows it. Just as every bottle fed, every meal cooked, all the career sacrifice is based on what the SAHM/D offered up.
I know you do, LM. And I'm so happy it works for you. You deserve it. You're just that awesome. Still...your lifestyle is afforded to you by your husband. Likewise, the home you created for your family I'm sure is largely due to you. Now, I'm going to throw this out there. It's a big deal to work day in and day out at a job to afford a person the luxury of not having to make that sacrifice. Any of us (man or woman), given the money, would stay home with our family and do the home toil. Working is the lessor of two evils. Working the homestead (home, kids, etc) is what we live for. It's a big deal to me that I gave my husband the opportunity to go to school. He's straight on the fact that I gave him that gift. A gift we give to the people we love. That was mine to give, not his, not ours. The clarity here is that I went to work every day. I got the wrinkles from it. I got the grey hair from it. I got all the stress from it. I allowed it.
So, in my mind, every trip taken is based on a sacrifice by the working spouse. H/She allows it. Just as every bottle fed, every meal cooked, all the career sacrifice is based on what the SAHM/D offered up.
You just want credit where credit is due? I get that.
And I know your husband is extremely appreciative of your gift to him. I think we are really in agreement on what committed partners do for one another, and we are certainly all appreciative of what we have regardless of whether we are the breadwinners or homemakers.
Bottom line is, we - you, me, and funisart are all awesome spouses, and we all have awesome spouses
You just want credit where credit is due? I get that.
And I know your husband is extremely appreciative of your gift to him. I think we are really in agreement on what committed partners do for one another, and we are certainly all appreciative of what we have regardless of whether we are the breadwinners or homemakers.
Bottom line is, we - you, me, and funisart are all awesome spouses, and we all have awesome spouses
Yes, we do appear to have great partners all around. But, my main argument is that it's an allowance. It is a "let". And sure, that's in part due to giving credit I guess, but the independent position, which is what she appears to be displaying from my pov, is not possible in a dependent situation. Imo, if you're a financial dependent don't deny it, just appreciate it. Just as working spouses should appreciate the sacrifices of a non-working spouse. But, folk don't like that and the reasoning is stratified. On the one hand non-working SAHPs are wrongfully disrespected. Their work is not recognized or appreciated by some. On the other hand, and this might chap a few asses, I doubt long term non-working spouses can really understand what it is to work outside the home.
So, all the huffing and puffing that "I get to travel here and I get to go there" prancing around on the back of a spouse just comes off as classless foolishness.
Yes, we do appear to have great partners all around. But, my main argument is that it's an allowance. It is a "let". And sure, that's in part due to giving credit I guess, but the independent position, which is what she appears to be displaying from my pov, is not possible in a dependent situation. Imo, if you're a financial dependent don't deny it, just appreciate it. Just as working spouses should appreciate the sacrifices of a non-working spouse. But, folk don't like that and the reasoning is stratified. On the one hand non-working SAHPs are wrongfully disrespected. Their work is not recognized or appreciated by some. On the other hand, and this might chap a few asses, I doubt long term non-working spouses can really understand what it is to work outside the home.
So, all the huffing and puffing that "I get to travel here and I get to go there" prancing around on the back of a spouse just comes off as classless foolishness.
I think in my marriage at least, we are so appreciative of each other and all the sacrifices the other has made, that at this point it's just melded us into one big lump, lol.
There are no lines of delineation, no "I did that for you" "you did that for me" - we just do for each other never keeping score, never even discussing what one of us could not have done but for the other. He takes care of me, I take care of him, we each honor and respect that. It works
I think in my marriage at least, we are so appreciative of each other and all the sacrifices the other has made, that at this point it's just melded us into one big lump, lol.
There are no lines of delineation, no "I did that for you" "you did that for me" - we just do for each other never keeping score, never even discussing what one of us could not have done but for the other. He takes care of me, I take care of him, we each honor and respect that. It works
I know that it works. I guess I'm just experiencing first hand why men tend to die younger than women, or at least non-working women. Us working women are starting to catch up! eta: any how, I think I have to get my but in the shower. I might actually go out tonight.
Yes, we do appear to have great partners all around. But, my main argument is that it's an allowance. It is a "let". And sure, that's in part due to giving credit I guess, but the independent position, which is what she appears to be displaying from my pov, is not possible in a dependent situation. Imo, if you're a financial dependent don't deny it, just appreciate it. Just as working spouses should appreciate the sacrifices of a non-working spouse. But, folk don't like that and the reasoning is stratified. On the one hand non-working SAHPs are wrongfully disrespected. Their work is not recognized or appreciated by some. On the other hand, and this might chap a few asses, I doubt long term non-working spouses can really understand what it is to work outside the home.
So, all the huffing and puffing that "I get to travel here and I get to go there" prancing around on the back of a spouse just comes off as classless foolishness.
From MPOV you seem quite bitter, your sacrifice and gray hairs form putting your husband through school and all your work now==You need a pat on the back or something. You seem offended by someone with a lifestyle different than yours and so think I am a spoiled unappreciative wife. Maybe it is you that is feeling unappreciated.
I did not put my husband through school, even for his doctorate. He is a brilliant man and was given a tax free Research Grant and full scholarship. I only made about $10,000. more than his grant per year. We lived in a trailer and saved for our first house.
I did not huff and puff about traveling here and there, it was not meant to be boast-full--I only posted to this thread about it, because it was about the OP traveling girlfriend. It is a big part of her life and it is a big part of mine. The Op seemed ok with it but seemed also too worried about what others would think.
My husband and I are Dependant upon each other in more ways than you can imagine , but we are independent people. You do not know of our financial position, I had a large inheritance from the early tragic death of my parents, and a settlement from the car crash that almost left me unable to walk, now better but in pain often, (neither would I recommend as a way to financial independence). Maybe my financial contribution is a drop in the bucket when compared to his--just being his wife and all that entails is apparently enough to him. All that aside...maybe he loves me because I didn't leave him when he had cancer early in our marriage, full body radiation, and at ft.in and weighed only 98 pounds. He certainly doesn't feel like I am prancing around on his back--
He still writes me love notes and sends me flowers. And we enjoy, frequent hot sex, something that is a great glue for a marriage -- I might not have had the energy or inclination for it if I had worked outside the home for all those years.
When I am traveling and when he has to travel without me to a meeting--we are in contact--years ago by phone, now by texting.
Oh I guess I am spoiled--he makes coffee for me in the morning and leaves it in a thermos for when I feel like getting up-
You are overworked if you have to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan, take care of the kids, etc. Maybe you should look at your life and see if you could change things.
From MPOV you seem quite bitter, your sacrifice and gray hairs form putting your husband through school and all your work now==You need a pat on the back or something. You seem offended by someone with a lifestyle different than yours and so think I am a spoiled unappreciative wife. Maybe it is you that is feeling unappreciated.
Not at all. I just recognize the sacrifice that comprises long term outside work. Obviously, I have that experience, where you do not. And I really don't expect someone that doesn't have the experience to really grasp it. The fact that you do not recognize yourself as a financial dependent speaks to that well enough.
Quote:
I did not huff and puff about traveling here and there, it was not meant to be boast-full--I only posted to this thread about it, because it was about the OP traveling girlfriend. It is a big part of her life and it is a big part of mine.
That's how it sounded to me. Imo, what should come across first is vast appreciation and then how that translates to your life.
Quote:
Oh I guess I am spoiled--he makes coffee for me in the morning and leaves it in a thermos for when I feel like getting up-
You are overworked if you have to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan, take care of the kids, etc. Maybe you should look at your life and see if you could change things.
Most creatures on this planet are compelled to work. It's just the way of things. Only the privileged are afforded the luxury not to work and I'm not among the privileged. My grandmother worked (by choice). My mother worked. I work. I come from a long line of workers and that's ok. If I ever win the lottery I won't work. If a time comes where my husband affords me the luxury of not working I will have the sensibility of recognizing his gift. Perhaps that kind of reasoning, tho, is only something derived from a worker.
Agreed. But (there's always a but), I just figure such agift should be dealt with via humbleness, which doesn't have much to do with the OP, rather the concept of one human financially affording another. That's just huge to me. It's right up there with women giving birth and nurturing children in the family, a huge thing. eta: I'm gonna go dance now!
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From MPOV you seem quite bitter, your sacrifice and gray hairs form putting your husband through school and all your work now==You need a pat on the back or something. You seem offended by someone with a lifestyle different than yours and so think I am a spoiled unappreciative wife. Maybe it is you that is feeling unappreciated. 
