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My relationship with my wife's parents has always been cold, distant, forced and very ill at ease. There has never been any yelling, screaming or rude comments. Instead, the conflict has been "passive aggressive." Typically there has been lots of: silence, rolling eyes, embarrassed looks, disapproval, one word responses to my questions, etc.
The advice of my friends when I ask about this is just to avoid the in-laws and my wife's sisters and brother. This sounds good in theory but we are expected to attend and if we don't there is lots of gossip and even more hard feelings. The in-laws get even more angry and tell everyone who will listen that I am forcing my wife away from the family with my fake excuses for missing family events.
If you have conflict with your in-laws, how have you dealt with it in the past?
I have fantasies of just sitting down with them and telling them what I think and having it out with them. The results would be that we reach a compromise, or they get so angry at me that they throw me out of the house and never invite me to a family event again, which would solve the problem. It could not get any worse in my opinion.
I asked my wife and she said if I wanted to have it out with her parents and brothers and sisters, she would not mind and would back me up.
I am assuming you live in the same town?
I would keep making excuses to not attend their events or have your wife go alone sometimes. Other times you will HAVE to go and just make do.
I'm sorry but just sit there and try to watch TV or sit outside or try to be as pleasant as you possibly can. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I don't like my in-laws either all 7 sisters and 1 brother plus his parents are all JERKS with no manners. No matter how much I tried for the first three years they just didn't like me and I never found out why. So I just brushed it off. I married my fantastic husband ( who I swear was adopted lol) not them. Fortunately we live over 400 miles away so we don't have to see them or speak to them. I feel for you man. I really do.
Oh, almost forgot, don't start a fight with them, please. It will make things worse then you will REALLY be the bad guy
Do you genuinely think that your in-laws are nice and mature people who would listen to reason? Or are they more emotionally driven? If they are reasonable people (you come across as a reasonable person yourself), then your job is easy. Too often, I see people let their pride and feelings get in the way of conflict management, especially after a period of "passive aggressive" approach that you guys adopted.
I am assuming you live in the same town?
I would keep making excuses to not attend their events or have your wife go alone sometimes. Other times you will HAVE to go and just make do.
I'm sorry but just sit there and try to watch TV or sit outside or try to be as pleasant as you possibly can. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I don't like my in-laws either all 7 sisters and 1 brother plus his parents are all JERKS with no manners. No matter how much I tried for the first three years they just didn't like me and I never found out why. So I just brushed it off. I married my fantastic husband ( who I swear was adopted lol) not them. Fortunately we live over 400 miles away so we don't have to see them or speak to them. I feel for you man. I really do.
Oh, almost forgot, don't start a fight with them, please. It will make things worse then you will REALLY be the bad guy
I know this is off topic but I can't help replying!
You don't need their approval. If manner-less jerks LIKE you, what does that make you? One of them! So be glad that they don't like you, and continue to be the wonderful person that you are.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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It's always best to talk to the source of the problem but it all depends on how you handle it as to the outcome. You have to approach in such a way you don't make them feel instantly defensive. I don't know what the problem is but I might say something like, "I can't help but notice the tension between us and I'm not quite sure what it's about but I'd like us to figure it out. We may not agree with each other in the end but at least maybe we can come to an understanding". I dunno, something non-accusatory like that.
If I were in this situation I would sit them all down and have a very frank conversation with them. This is not something you should have to deal with and it isn't fair to you.
But . . . WHY does OP get treated this way? Did they not like him from Day One? Do they feel he isn't worthy of their daughter/sister? Has he had some confrontation or issue w/ the family in the past that created hard feelings?
Does OP try to start conversations on topics that are sensitive issues? Do they know he disagrees w/ them on political or religious beliefs they hold dear?
He says he gets "one word responses" from his questions. Maybe his questions are the problem. I mean - OP could be the nicest guy ever, but if they feel he is trying to "expose" their prejudices or stupid beliefs . . . then of course, they are gonna be hostile towards him. There are always reasons, even if the reason is unfounded, unfair or based on some weird prejudice his wife's family has.
There has to be some catalyst to the problems. Until OP reveals why he gets treated badly, how can any of us come up with a strategy that might help . . .
My relationship with my wife's parents has always been cold, distant, forced and very ill at ease. There has never been any yelling, screaming or rude comments. Instead, the conflict has been "passive aggressive." Typically there has been lots of: silence, rolling eyes, embarrassed looks, disapproval, one word responses to my questions, etc.
The advice of my friends when I ask about this is just to avoid the in-laws and my wife's sisters and brother. This sounds good in theory but we are expected to attend and if we don't there is lots of gossip and even more hard feelings. The in-laws get even more angry and tell everyone who will listen that I am forcing my wife away from the family with my fake excuses for missing family events.
If you have conflict with your in-laws, how have you dealt with it in the past?
I have fantasies of just sitting down with them and telling them what I think and having it out with them. The results would be that we reach a compromise, or they get so angry at me that they throw me out of the house and never invite me to a family event again, which would solve the problem. It could not get any worse in my opinion.
I asked my wife and she said if I wanted to have it out with her parents and brothers and sisters, she would not mind and would back me up.
What do you think?
If your wife is backing you up, then call them on their specific behaviors when they happen--assertively but not aggressively. For example, if they roll their eyes, call them on it: "I don't appreciate it when you roll your eyes at something I've said. If you have a comment to make, please go ahead and say it. But the eye rolling is needlessly rude. I've treated you with respect, and I expect the same in return."
As for the gossip: Hens cluck. Dogs bark. Woodchucks chuck wood. In-laws gossip. C'est la vie.
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