Can this be recovered? (boyfriend, love, kissing, child)

[pepelillo]

Hi all,



I have some questions to ask (in bold at the end)



I have been in a relationship for two and a half years. It was difficult for me in the beginning because of my fears and problems with myself (OCD/OCPD) but something in my heart pushed me towards her. The issue is that my perfectionist squared mind made discussions difficult to deal with and frequent which made her more and more resentful.



I am concious of my problems and working on them with my therapist becasuse I know it is difficult to have a famility being like this. Not everybody can deal with it.



The thing is that on the last fight before the summer she did not recover and started to be distant and coler. Until then she told me how much she loved, that we were good, etc..


After days like this I asked her what happened and she told me that that discussion made her change her mind and started to doubt our relationship. I acted anxious and started to push her to know if she really loved me. All responses where "I don't know what to do". She ware genuinely confused.



She has always been a very secure person that did not hesitate to break up when things did not work or she did not love the person any more. But in this case she said she was like she had never be, plenty of doubts. And there was no way she could say anything else. So I kept trying to find a response and one day I said "I cannot do this any more, cannot be with someone who does not love me or does not know and broke up". But as days went on I was destroyed. Days later we had meal together and started to talk about feelings. She said that she wanted to try and not out of pity (I made sure of it, I would not like it to be like this).



So some days later we were back together. She would have preferred to start like flirting again (you at your home and me on mine) but it was not possible becasuse she has a child and so much changes would not be goog for him. So we decided to saty together at her home.



First days it was strange and difficult for me (I am very anxious) but we managed to make it work. In a couple of weeks she started to show more affectionate and kissing. Even more sex. At one point, out of the blue, she told me "I LOVE YOU". And I was happy.



At this point I had changed my mind. I was more convinced than ever to work on myself to improve my cohabiting behaviours and she has told me many times I have changed a lot for good.



But three weeks ago she told me that she saw me very happy and that I should go slow because she was still the same. It was a huge drawback for me and have not be well since them with a lot of anxiety. This time all started becasuse she had had a conversation with another friend who is bad with her boyfriend and breaking up so this had a toll on my girlfried. The works thing was when I, trying to find answers asked her "what would you feel If I confessed I had laid with another girl" and she tole me "nothing". But it was a very fast response like if she had already tried to figure it out on her mind. She seemed very obsessive. She told me we wer doing well but she needed more feelings that were not there and she did not know if they could be back but that she KNEW she wanted me in her life at this moment, that she loved me but that she could no draw a future on her mind with me.



Fast forward, she has not repeated an "I love you" since that one (a month ago). She has had moments of passing, kissing me passionately out of the blue (for example, in the kitched) and she even felt butterflies this week during a kiss (which seems very strange to me).



Yesterday we had a conversation (becasuse I would love to have a child and I am already in my 40s) and she said she could not because too many factors:
- Home where she lives belongs to her ex and she is afraid he will reclaim it (he has been making her life impossible with custody and court this last year)
- Work: she does not earn enough money to sustain two child if the relationship fails.

- She has not those blind loving feelings that would serve to ignore those two points.



Also, the conversation started to evolve in a sense that she recognized (I did not push the conversation by any means, she was driving it and seems she needed to talk about this) the she felt like stuck, with no objectives in life becasuse she can not grow in her job, she cannot earn more, etc... so basically the whole conversation moved to an existential one.



I have been told by my psychologist that her problems could be steaming from all this and not really me but I am very negative and tend to think bad, always magnifying the bad and discarding the good.



I am doing aall that I can to make her life easier but at times I feel anxious and hopeless because I read that when that spark, those feelings are lost they are impossible to recover.



I am sure she is not afraid of being alone (she adapts quickly to break ups and other life changes) and I have made it very easy to her to break up because I have offered it many times in the bad moments but calmly and possitively. But she is stuck in an I don't know what is happening to me, I know you are a fantastic man, like you, love you but need more feelings.



So I am lost, analyzing all her movements, voice (my anxious mind, remember) tone, etc... for signals of love me/love me not. The love me moments do exist and make me happy but I need more.


I would love to hear from possitive experiences like this. If this can be recovered, if bad life moments like hers can make this to a relationship, how much time should I wait for a response... the best strategies to lift this situation (if possible)... whatever can be of help.



Thanks in advance,



Jose