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My parents are poison to my life and so I decided to cut them out of my life completely. Long story short, one abandoned me and didn't contact me until I was 26; the other kicked me out at 16. I did try to make amends and create relationships with these people, I really did TRY, but ultimately decided it would be best for ME to focus on my own life rather than worry about solving unsolvable problems. I was crying all the time, dealing with anger, resentment, etc. It does not benefit me or them to continue disagreeing and fighting, it's just not healthy. Also, I realized that I would never get the closure that I need from them. Although I do love them, in a way, I still think it best to let go of everything, even if that means not speaking to them. It's easier to forgive them at a distance. If I'm around them, I am constantly reminded of the pain, which creates more anger, etc.
That brings me to the main point of this: Is it possible to forgive without actually mending a relationship? I think I'm doing the right thing, I just wanted some opinions. I feel like this is best for me, but I still feel guilty.
So what are your thoughts about forgiveness? Not just about my situation, but forgiving in general? Do you have a difficult time with it? Feel free to share stories of your own.
I think a lot of people confuse forgiveness for an open door to stay in your life. This is not so. You absolutely can forgive someone from a distance. And I think, with toxic relationships, that's the only way. Accept that it is what it is, you have no control over it, it's not your doing and cut it out of your life. Once the pain of all that subsides, you will be in a much better place to forgive, and even pray for them.
Now, I say the above because it is true, it works and I think it's a great thing, for other people. I have decided to leave it to God to do the forgiving. It's not that I hold a grudge. And I don't wish them any ill. I even pray for them when I'm still angry at them (I can't imagine being so angry/bitter/vengeful/insert intolerable behavior here) . But I don't really care about them at all, one way or the other, once I let them go.
I think it is absolutely possible to forgive someone without mending the relationship.
Forgiveness frees you from the anger and pain, it allows you to move on with a peaceful mind. It isn't even about the other person, it is about you getting rid of those negative feelings that cripple you.
Some relationships are never mended and they shouldn't even be attempted to be, because those people haven't changed, they are still toxic and destructive.
I think it is absolutely possible to forgive someone without mending the relationship.
Forgiveness frees you from the anger and pain, it allows you to move on with a peaceful mind. It isn't even about the other person, it is about you getting rid of those negative feelings that cripple you.
Some relationships are never mended and they shouldn't even be attempted to be, because those people haven't changed, they are still toxic and destructive.
I agree. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain a person caused you, and moving on. Mending the relationship is not required because people rarely change, and sometimes it is better to not be in each others lives. For me personally to forgive someone, I would have to feel they are truly sorry and regretful.
I cannot say it any better than it has been said. Forgiveness can happen, without the relationship returning to the status it was in. It is a state of mind, as was said, getting past the pain and hurt. Through forgiveness, you may be able to start a new relationship with your parents too, even if it is different than it was before (and potentially significantly different), but does not require it either.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
How do you forgive someone, really?
By realizing forgiving doesn't mean you're saying every wrong committed is okay or excusable.
By realizing it doesn't mean you have to trust them again.
By realizing it doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life.
By realizing it means you're just taking what's happened and dumping it like the trash it is and moving on.
By realizing forgiving is taking total control and very self-empowering.
My parents are poison to my life and so I decided to cut them out of my life completely. Long story short, one abandoned me and didn't contact me until I was 26; the other kicked me out at 16. I did try to make amends and create relationships with these people, I really did TRY, but ultimately decided it would be best for ME to focus on my own life rather than worry about solving unsolvable problems. I was crying all the time, dealing with anger, resentment, etc. It does not benefit me or them to continue disagreeing and fighting, it's just not healthy. Also, I realized that I would never get the closure that I need from them. Although I do love them, in a way, I still think it best to let go of everything, even if that means not speaking to them. It's easier to forgive them at a distance. If I'm around them, I am constantly reminded of the pain, which creates more anger, etc.
That brings me to the main point of this: Is it possible to forgive without actually mending a relationship? I think I'm doing the right thing, I just wanted some opinions. I feel like this is best for me, but I still feel guilty.
So what are your thoughts about forgiveness? Not just about my situation, but forgiving in general? Do you have a difficult time with it? Feel free to share stories of your own.
If I were to allow someone in my home (life) and they chose to break things or damage my personal property (feelings) then I have the right to lock the door and never allow them back in. This is my home (life) and my things (feelings) and I will not allow people like that in.
Will I forgive them...? Well, sure but as for them getting the priviledge of visiting me (life) having another opportunity to destroy things is not going to happen.
My parents are poison to my life and so I decided to cut them out of my life completely. Long story short, one abandoned me and didn't contact me until I was 26; the other kicked me out at 16. I did try to make amends and create relationships with these people, I really did TRY, but ultimately decided it would be best for ME to focus on my own life rather than worry about solving unsolvable problems. I was crying all the time, dealing with anger, resentment, etc. It does not benefit me or them to continue disagreeing and fighting, it's just not healthy. Also, I realized that I would never get the closure that I need from them. Although I do love them, in a way, I still think it best to let go of everything, even if that means not speaking to them. It's easier to forgive them at a distance. If I'm around them, I am constantly reminded of the pain, which creates more anger, etc.
That brings me to the main point of this: Is it possible to forgive without actually mending a relationship? I think I'm doing the right thing, I just wanted some opinions. I feel like this is best for me, but I still feel guilty.
So what are your thoughts about forgiveness? Not just about my situation, but forgiving in general? Do you have a difficult time with it? Feel free to share stories of your own.
I think you HAVE forgiven them, as much as you can on your own. Question: Have they apologized? Profusely? From what you say, they owe you that and more. Without it, you are truly swimming up river, with all THEIR baggage on your back.
I am good at forgiving someone because somewhere along the way; probably 'cause my parents were also irresponsible to the point that they figuratively battered the hell out of me as well, for the first ten years of my life...
But you cannot come full circle, you cannot heal and start anew, which I think is what you'd want in a perfect world, unless and until the person(s) responsible for your pain don't cop to it. There's no sense in reestablishing ties with someone, and turning the other cheek so they can have a good target to crack you again, if the same condition that hurt you in the first place is still going to be a factor. The first step, obviously to solving a problem, is admitting, knowing, accepting that you have a problem. In this case it's your parent's responsibility for what they did to you. Until your parents do that you are still a victim; because now, whether they realize it or not, they are asking you to do their work for them. Don't do it.
One thing that might help you better understand at least, what they did to you, is to take a very close look at how they were raised; ie, what their parents did to them.
My parents are poison to my life and so I decided to cut them out of my life completely. Long story short, one abandoned me and didn't contact me until I was 26; the other kicked me out at 16. I did try to make amends and create relationships with these people, I really did TRY, but ultimately decided it would be best for ME to focus on my own life rather than worry about solving unsolvable problems. I was crying all the time, dealing with anger, resentment, etc. It does not benefit me or them to continue disagreeing and fighting, it's just not healthy. Also, I realized that I would never get the closure that I need from them. Although I do love them, in a way, I still think it best to let go of everything, even if that means not speaking to them. It's easier to forgive them at a distance. If I'm around them, I am constantly reminded of the pain, which creates more anger, etc.
That brings me to the main point of this: Is it possible to forgive without actually mending a relationship? I think I'm doing the right thing, I just wanted some opinions. I feel like this is best for me, but I still feel guilty.
So what are your thoughts about forgiveness? Not just about my situation, but forgiving in general? Do you have a difficult time with it? Feel free to share stories of your own.
Generally, people are not evil. But they act badly because of something that "rubs them the wrong way". If someone has kicked you out, that means you made their life bad. Otherwise, why would they? Putting yourself in their shoes and seeing the problem objectively might help you to understand.
True, they were not very nice to do that even if you did cause them lots of trouble. But people are not perfect, they often can't deal with too much on their plate. So seeing your situation from THEIR point of view, and forgetting about yourself for a moment, might help you see them in a little bit better light.
Just remember, people are weak and can't deal with stuff. Yes, it's admirable if someone can and is strong enough to do so. But those are not majority. So give excuses for weaknesses as well.
Also, remember, forgiveness is not about them. It's about you not making your life miserable by harboring resentnment in your heart. Remember, forgiveness is a gift to YOURSELF (not to them). Also, if you forgive, this won't affect your future relationships. If you will not forgive, it will damage your relationships, it will make you trust people less.
We are all imperfect. We are all wounded. We are all trying to survive the best way we can. The best we can do is to adjust. Don't live on principle and say: I do this out of principle. That's a killer. Make adjustments, allow for excuses. Allow for human error.
Hopefully, thinking this way will help you.
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