Friends to Lovers - Behavior I just don't understand! (movies, women, attracted)
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I have a gentleman, I'll call him John, I've been working very closely with about a year now. The sexual tension was always there, we have always been attracted to each other physically and mentally, but we were both in relationships. Recently, almost coincidentally, we both got out of our relationships at the same time. Neither break-up was wonderful, the exes both have some major issues but we both needed to get out of each for our own sanity. He left his because she was abusive, I left mine because he used me to do everything for him and never gave back. Needless to say we both have commitment issues at this point.
So John and I began hanging out together, leaning on each other for support. It started with a few drives around town chatting and venting. Then it progressed to bars and more venting. Recently we began hanging out at my place, drinking and chatting, watching movies, it seems very date-ish now. He comes over for dinner at least twice a week, we hang out every weekend and have a blast! We talk about everything, including sex and realtionships and things. I'm very honest with him, he knows where I stand on sex. I am BAD at casual sex, I get emotionally involved. He has been very clear that he does not want anything serious at all. I admit, thats a rough one for me because, despite my giant wall of protection to keep people out, I'm beginning to really like him. But he knows this, I've told him, and he told me he respects me too much to do anything that would jeopardize our friendship or relationship. Please keep in mind we are two 30+ adults, not high school walking-hormones who promise this lame stuff all the time. I believe him that he respects me, I believe that he really doesn't want to do anything to hurt me.
A few weeks ago we crossed that line and slept together. I was beside myself nervous and I was completely wasted. I fear becoming a clingy girl, its one of the things I pride myself on not being, so the next day I wouldn't touch him out of fear he would think I was clingy. I backed way off on phone calls and conversations at work too. He noticed and was concerned about me, but I didn't really share why. So he made an effort to come over again that week and we had a blast again and my fear level lowered a bit.
A couple weeks later we slept together again. I was a little more relaxed this time, I didn't crawl back into myself and hide like last time. He did leave immediately after, explaining that it wasn't a wham-bam-thankyouma'am thing, it was because my son was with me that weekend and he didn't think it would be appropriate for him to wake up and find a strange man there. I agreed, we kissed goodnight, all was well. So I didn't really expect what would happen next.
This weekend he came over and we had a great time. We ended up staying up all night laughing and carrying on, and finished our night with sex. Since it was almost 6am we both fell asleep pretty soon after. I woke up around 8am and he was gone. He had left without telling me goodbye, no note, no whisper of "Hey I'm leaving", nothing. So I asked him about it later that day, and I didn't really get an answer, he just said sorry he didn't mean any offense and changed the subject.
I keep telling myself he left because he didn't want to face any questions from his roommate so he wanted to beat him home. I'm not sure I could face the other reason... but I haven't heard from him all weekend after I asked about him leaving. I didn't try very hard to contact him, just one text, I don't want to be clingy or annoying but the silence is killing me. I fear he left for other reasons. I can't figure out why it's weighing so heavily on my mind, I certainly don't love him yet, but I do care about him and enjoy his company.
Can anyone out there give me some perspective on this? Why would he leave like that?
Anyone have any advice to help me stop thinking about him all the time, or at least help me figure out why I do? How do I do this casual thing?
I've read some other threads and I like the advice pool here, thanks in advance for helping me figure this out!
Seriously, I wouldn`t have liked that either. You sure things are still off with his "other" or "past" relationship?
That's what I was thinking. He's got to get home to his old lady and try to patch things up there.
Like you said, you're a grown up. I think either it's a rebound thing or you got used. I guess being used as a rebound relationship is being used too so anyway you cut it...
Why don't you just relax for a little, hang out with the girls, and heal from the hurt that you've been through? You're young and there will be plenty of guys out there in a few months.
You work together and he has told you straight up that he's not interested in anything serious.
You told him you get attached easily. Then you have sex. You think that must mean that he's changed his mind because he knows you get attached easily. He thinks it means you're ok with some casual sex because he told you he's not looking for more than that. You are both coming at this from totally different angles and missing the fact that (right now at least), you are not compatible! You have both been honest and you have each chosen to ignore what the other has told you.
My advice is to cut this whole thing off sharpish. You work with this person and you are BOTH at fault here. Be pleasant. Tell him that you think things got off course, but you're ok (lie if necessary) and then pull yourself together and resume the nice, professional relationship you had before.
You're at a cross roads. He has made his intentions clear by sneaking out after sex. He thinks you're a nice enough person and if he gets to get his rocks off with you, even better.
You don't feel the same. If you start getting all heavy with him now you are going to have issues at work. It could get very messy. Take a deep breath, realize that you are worth more than he's willing to offer you, and move on with your dignity in tact.
BunnyTrainer....I think maybe he's realizing that this relationship is moving too fast....or is more than he's ready for right now....the fact that you're "thinking of him all the time"..tells it all....Maybe he just wants a good friend...but he sees that for you it's becoming more....He just got away from a controlling woman....of course he may have fears that the same could come about......you are both on the rebound.....if you want something more from this friendship...it's going to take time, and a patient understanding on both sides.
its hard for men and women to be just friends when they are close all the time
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You sure things are still off with his "other" or "past" relationship? 
