Families and keeping secrets, warning a bit long (girlfriend, long-term, love)
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My dad passed away very recently. Our relationship had its ups and downs and he stopped communicating with me about two years ago. He was very much one to hold onto grudges long-term. For instance, he and his parents all used to live in the same neighborhood and he didn't speak to them for years. That aside and without getting into too much detail, it is safe to say my dad had a lot of issues and had many difficulties with people in general. It was very common for him to cut people off rather than try to work things out.
I found out less than 24 hours before my dad passed away how sick he had been. Near the beginning of the year he was given six months to live and he made it about that long. He told one brother of his diagnosis and the brother was told to tell no one, including me. My uncle kept the secret for awhile but eventually told their sister and their parents. The other two brothers eventually found out but just about as late into it as I did.
I'm my dad's only child and since he was single, I'm also his only next of kin. I was put in the position of having to take my dad off life support and was there with him when he passed about 20 minutes later. I am very glad I was there for him in his last moments, regardless of any disagreements in the past.
I now find I am experiencing a whole range of emotions, most of which are not good. I don't believe or support keeping secrets such as the one my uncle tried to for my dad, not for situations of this magnitude anyway. I realize my uncle was put in a weird/bad spot by my dad, i'll give him that for sure. However, his willingness to go along with that impacted my life greatly, along with the lives of my three kids, DH, etc. If my uncle couldn't tell me, I think one of my grandparents should have. Maybe I'm wrong.
My dad left behind no will and a good amount of debt, in the tens of thousands. He basically drank himself to death. He had a heart condition, cirrhosis of the liver, and was in renal failure when he passed. His family expects me to take care of everything; I've already paid for his cremation and
have been told to arrange and pay for a memorial service. My dad would not have wanted that and he did not leave behind the resources to pay for it either. He didn't even want people to know where he lived and surely did not like being fussed over in life or in death. Only one brother knew where my dad's residence was, he would never tell anyone else (where he'd moved to a year ago).
A year ago my dad was doing well financially. Not rich but comfortable. With the help of a young girlfriend, they blew through everything. I have all of his financial paperwork but his family is in huge denial. I've had opportunity to show two of his siblings the paperwork but denial is still there to some degree.
I love my dad and he had every right to live as he wished, although I did not agree with it. I don't care about his estate, such as it is, I'm established and no need for more stuff or whatever. He has left behind a mess and I'm sorting through it.....I'm exhausted and there's been no help from the family.
I don't want to put on or pay for a memorial. I'm angry at his family for expecting so much while giving so little; whether in time, support, or financial help. As I mentioned, my dad would not have wanted a memorial anyway. My grandmother expects some black tie affair, catered, the whole works. I told her she should arrange that if she so desired but, of course, she said that was up to me, not her. My grandparents are broke due to their own financial mismanagement but behave as though they still have a lot in the bank.
I'm bound to experience a range of emotions throughout the grieving process. Do the expectations of his family sound normal and I'm just overreacting? I might add my dad chose not to be around most of my childhood nor pay child support. Our relationship improved some over time but he was never easy to
be around. His family is aware of this and while not their fault, I think they're asking a lot of me. My dad was never there for me, not really.....now I feel his family isn't either. I really just feel as though they are using me, or trying to.
My aunt, as a tribute at this memorial I'm supposed to be planning, wants to finish off the last bottle of whiskey we found in his kitchen. I'm appalled as this was exactly what killed him. They told me I'm being uptight.....
I am also really sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. I would not let the family put more expectations on you than you can handle. They seem really toxic. This may be why your father struggled and why he cut people off. I think sometimes cutting contact with toxic family is the best thing to do for one's emotional well-being. We hope we can be strong enough to deal with them but we have to accept that we are mere mortals and cannot deal with dysfunctional people when we ourselves are struggling emotionally.
As for your grandmother's and other family's wishes for his funeral, no you are not overreacting at all. If you are expected to pay for it, you get to decide. If they want more, they can pay for the extras. I would keep contact with them to a minimum. Your father had the right idea there.
Maybe your husband can help you by being the intermediary.
I am also really sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. I would not let the family put more expectations on you than you can handle. They seem really toxic. This may be why your father struggled and why he cut people off. I think sometimes cutting contact with toxic family is the best thing to do for one's emotional well-being. We hope we can be strong enough to deal with them but we have to accept that we are mere mortals and cannot deal with dysfunctional people when we ourselves are struggling emotionally.
As for your grandmother's and other family's wishes for his funeral, no you are not overreacting at all. If you are expected to pay for it, you get to decide. If they want more, they can pay for the extras. I would keep contact with them to a minimum. Your father had the right idea there.
Maybe your husband can help you by being the intermediary.
I did tell my aunt this morning the services would be taking place on my time schedule. Thing is, he was cremated and there is no need to rush. The ashes will come back to the funeral home just today and she wanted to have a memorial tomorrow....with no planning, etc. They were also trying to pick a new place for the ashes even though it had already been decided on.
The next thing to tackle is the memorial. My grandmother wants a big religious service, because she "became religious" about ten years ago. My dad was by no means religious, nor are any of his siblings, nor am I. I'm not going to participate in anything my dad wouldn't have wanted. Though she can feel free to do what she needs to with her own checkbook.
I love my dad but I feel no need to plan something he wouldn't have cared about or even wanted. He always said these kinds of things were for the living, not the dead. It's unfortunate he never left anything in writing detailing what he wanted. I'm very sure he would not have wanted any memorial at all.
Sounds to me like he lived and died on his own terms and made his own decisions pretty much up to the end. If he didn't want the big funeral/memorial service, just say no. Explain he didn't want it and didn't leave money for it. If someone else in the family wants the service, they can pay for it.
Try not to be upset with your uncle and grandparents. They were trying to do as your father requested. I'm sure it was hard for them.
Keep good records/books of your father's estate. You will have to prove he left nothing but debts. This isn't your fault or your problem. You just have to keep the books.
Sounds to me like he lived and died on his own terms and made his own decisions pretty much up to the end. If he didn't want the big funeral/memorial service, just say no. Explain he didn't want it and didn't leave money for it. If someone else in the family wants the service, they can pay for it.
Try not to be upset with your uncle and grandparents. They were trying to do as your father requested. I'm sure it was hard for them.
Keep good records/books of your father's estate. You will have to prove he left nothing but debts. This isn't your fault or your problem. You just have to keep the books.
I'm trying to not be angry but will admit I find it difficult. In fact, I do not believe I've felt this much resentment towards anyone, ever. My uncle didn't keep the secret, he told everyone but me. Well, he told me but waited as long as he could. Makes me feel like, in their minds, I wasn't important enough to tell. One day things are going along fine, the next day I'm taking my dad off life support. Life sure can change in a hurry.
I realize my uncle was put in a bad spot but was told to tell no one - he didn't keep that secret from anyone but me. I think there was a point where it was morally wrong to keep that kind of secret from someone's kid, especially given the position my uncle knew I would be in, the one to clean up the financial mess on top of dealing with everything else.
I feel so bitter about this and I wish I could stop. Every time I think about it my blood pressure must go through the roof.
I think there was a point where it was morally wrong to keep that kind of secret from someone's kid, especially given the position my uncle knew I would be in, the one to clean up the financial mess on top of dealing with everything else.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but I disagree on your "right" to know. It was your father's choice - and he asked your uncle not to tell you - and even if the uncle broke the promise and told other people, that doesn't mean you suddenly get the right to know.
As for the memorial, I would say no. Just tell the relatives that your father wouldn't have wanted one, so you're not going to plan one. And if they need to have one as part of their own grieving, that's up to them, but you won't be a part of it.
No one can fault you for following your father's wishes when it comes to HIS funeral. They may be mad initially, and whisper behind your back, but they will get over it in time.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know what it is like. I'll try to keep it short.
I live out of the country. My mother had one brother and a sister who visited her occasionally. When she took ill, she was riddled with cancer and I believe she knew it but did nothing about it because she was "tired" and just wanted to pass over. We had a very, very strained relationship. I was an only child.
I returned to the States to take care of her, along with my daughter. Went to the hospital every day, and stayed with her at home during the last two weeks of her life. Not once did her brother or sister visit her in the hospital. They would call every so often to find out how she was. In my head I think it was to find out if she had passed on.
When she went home her sister visited her once. Her sister informed me that she was to get my mother's jewelry and a wall picture when she died. WHAT?? My mother had her brother's name on the safe deposit box and my mother wanted the contents removed. I called her brother to ask that he take care of it and he wasn't sure when he could get around to doing it. I finally told him that I was going "home" and that my daughter would be staying with my mother. The day that he thought I was to have left he showed up with the contents. He was very surprised to see me.
My mother was of sound mind and asked that I arrange to change any documents that reflected her brother as beneficiary to my name. She also signed a power of attorney for me to have access to her bank account, which her brother was a joint holder. She also had a last will and testament drawn up leaving me in charge to execute all matters.
When she did pass, it was just myself and my daughter. My mother's wish was to be cremated, which she was. The brother called and told me I should have a memorial service and told me when it should be held, which was convenient for him. Told him there would be none as he should have said his goodbyes when she was alive. There were some things that she did want him to have and I advised him of such. He wanted to know when I could drop them off - he lived in another state - about a 1-1/2 hour drive. Told him it wasn't possible. Then he asked me about the contents of the safe deposit. I knew that he went through the envelopes before he handed the contents over. I told him what my mother had done and he insisted that he was entitled to the contents. I told him to take me to court. The sister called and asked that I drop the wall picture off and asked about "her" jewelry.
Breaking down the apartment and taking care of all the lose ends was left to me. My mother was great at keeping paper. Amongst the papers were cancelled checks. I came to learn that she had written quite a few checks out to her sister over the years.
I didn't see these people for years before my mother passed and I haven't seen them since and I don't plan on seeing them. I think this will be the case with you.
So............do what you feel is right and what you can live with and if there is something you don't want to do, don't do it. You are under no obligation to do what other people want. You don't owe any one of them anything.
I think it stinks that some people are left to clean up after others, but that's the way it is and you learn from it.
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They told me I'm being uptight.....
