Help with Odd Relationship (boyfriend, girlfriends, how to, women)

[bobsmith6452]

Hi,

Before I tell this story, I'm a 23 year old male that has been in a relationship with a 21 year old female for a year and 8 months. I'm the kind of guy that puts everything he has into his relationships. It's just we've been having a really hard time and I feel like I need some help.

So to start off, we've had our share of rocky times. Most of the time, it seems like we get along great and nothing ever seems to be a problem. I'm kind of an easy going guy, and she likes to cause trouble. She tells me that it brings her joy to cause others pain.

The first fight we ever had was a few months after we got together. We were having sex, and I (stupidly) answered the phone while we were doing it. I had been waiting for the phone call for a few hours (I used to play guitar at bars in a blues duo, and my duo partner had called because we were playing that night). I realized my mistake afterwards and immediately said I was sorry. She replied that it was fine, no big deal. She knew I was playing that night and it wasn't a problem. So hours pass, and she stops saying very much. She says that she's fine, that she's not mad about anything. A few more hours pass and she decides that she's mad at me. She starts saying things like "I don't know how I'm ever going to forgive you for this", and "I don't think we should be together anymore, I don't like you much after that". So, naturally, I feel awful. I apologize and apologize. I say I know it was a stupid thing to do and it won't ever happen again. Eventually she forgives me after a few days.

After this, I keep on my toes about things, because I certainly wouldn't want to do anything to upset her again. I really don't like upsetting people and I try very hard not to. So a few months later she talks me into getting a kitten (she's a cat lover and she missed having a pet). It happened over a course of months. She started off with "I would love to have a cat, but I know I can't have one". Then later things like "If you were a good boyfriend you'd get me a kitty". So, being the trying and caring boyfriend I am, I get a her a kitten. Although, she was living in a college dorm at the time, so the cat stayed in my apartment. This cat hated both of us. It also tore holes in my new curtains and used my carpet as a scratching post. Also, I was keeping this cat as a secret from my landlord, there' was a $300 pet deposit, that my girlfriend wouldn't help me pay. It began to become a pest. So, I took it to the pound after her and I agreed it would be the best course of action. The next day she wondered where the cat was. I told her I took it to the pound and she got furious at me. Once again, she started saying things like "I don't ever know how I'm going to forgive you for this one", even going as far as "I hate you" and "you are the worst". Eventually she got over it and things went back to normal.

A few weeks after this she starts trying to talk me into another kitten. She says "Oh, I found free kittens on Craigslist today, we should go get one". And of course, I was like oh no, we're not doing that again. And she's like "But please? The last one wasn't a good choice, but this one you'll be able to train it because it's just a young kitten". After hours of this, we decide to go get the kitten. We had this one for about a month. What a month in hell it was. This kitten tore up EVERYTHING. My new furniture that was a gift from my parents, the carpet, the curtains, everything (once again, I was paying for everything for this cat too, and it lived in my apartment). I told her it had to go, that it was ruining everything in my apartment. She told me that I cared way too much about material possessions. I said, "but it's a gift from my parents, it's brand new furniture". She said she didn't care, that she loved kittens more than any "thing", even more than people. I lived through much misery keeping this cat in my apartment and caring for it on my own, as she wouldn't clean its litter or buy it food. I said, "you don't take care of the cat, I do, you don't know how bad it is". And she replied that she didn't have to, that wasn't in the deal. So eventually she saw how miserable I was and she decided giving away the cat was the best option. Someone came to take the cat and she was really mad at me, as expected. She said "I really don't think I can forgive you for this one". She said she hated me and that she didn't want to see me anymore, and that we should break up. After several days, she was back to normal and decided that the kitten was too rambunctious and that we made the right decision.

So skip ahead many months and she pretty much overnight stops having sex with me. Which is fine, I care about her, not sex. She says that we're just not sexually compatible. I tell her that I've been trying to ask her what she likes, and will do anything that she wants to satisfy her. She says that that's not good enough, that nothing will work. Sometimes she brings up letting each other have sex with someone else. I reply that that's not what I want, that I want to make US work. I say, is that something you want? And she gets mad at me, claiming that I'm a liar for not wanting to have sex with someone else. Once again, she screams she hates me and I'm the worst person alive. A few days later, she realizes she was wrong to accuse me and we go back to normal.


All the while, she is very needy. She wanted to be with me about 14 hours a day. I barely had any time to get anything done.

It's hard on a college student who needs to study and do homework when his girlfriend won't let him have any time to do it. On top of that, I was a chemistry major, which requires a ridiculous amount of time to study and do homework. I was about halfway through my chemistry degree and I lost my mind. I had panic attacks every day all day. My stomach felt like it wanted to explode all day, and I had severe depression. I had to go talk to a counselor just to get some relief. My girlfriend wanted nothing to do with me. She said that I should just get over it, and that all she wanted was for me to get normal again or she was done with me. So the counselor decides that I really really need to be on antidepressants and urges me to talk to my family and friends about it. My girlfriend decides that it's a horrible idea and that I shouldn't be taking those "dangerous things". I say, "but it will help me get back to normal", and she says, I just think it's a horrible idea, you shouldn't do it. So I didn't. I fought for a month through horribleness and finally pulled myself out of it. I failed most of my classes that semester because of it though. College had put me through such a stress that I decided to take a break. In the meantime I started a computer repair business that she's not very fond of.

One day a few months ago, her family decides to plan a trip to New York because one of her aunts had cancer. I said that I was very sorry and to ask me if there's anything I could do. She says that she doesn't really care, that her and her aunt were not very close. See, she doesn't like her family very much. So she asks me if I want to go to New York with them. I am an extreme introvert, and I don't like to be around people I don't know for very long. So I said no thanks, I appreciate the offer, but I don't think I would have a very good time. She says that it's fine and she understands. A few hours later, she decides to get mad at me for it. She says that it doesn't matter if I would like it or not, that I should go with her. I say, but you don't even like your family. She said, "I know! but you're supposed to go with me so that I don't have to be miserable all by myself". So she finally talks me into it, and we went to New York for 12 days, and I had the worst time of my life. As I said, I'm not comfortable in those kinds of situations being an introvert. Of course, I pretended to be fine. She knew I was miserable though. She gets mad at me and asks me why I didn't have a good time. I told her that I informed her I probably wouldn't, that I only went because you really wanted me to and you cried and told me you hated me when I said I didn't want to go.

She's been avoiding me ever since we got back from New York. So, yesterday, after she zones out while I'm trying to talk to her about something important, I ask her what's wrong. And she says sorry that she's just been really unhappy lately. I ask if there's anything I could do and she starts saying, "I don't know. Your whole attitude in New York just upset me. I know you were very uncomfortable, but it seems like you didn't even try very hard and it really hurt my feelings. Plus, I'm not happy with the fact that you have completely given up on college and want the easy way out. I know you have your own reasoning, but we think vastly different on this subject and I can't understand your way of thinking anyway. I've been trying to, but it just keeps upsetting me. I'm just frustrated and unhappy and I enjoy being alone lately".

I just don't know what to do anymore. She makes me feel like a failure. Do I really deserve this kind of abuse? She makes me cry like at least every month (sometimes more), as we almost break up right before her period every month when she gets really moody and doesn't make much sense. I don't ever do anything to purposely upset her, and often apologize to her for her getting mad at me over something silly. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with someone like this?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.

[Ruth4Truth]

You really got involved with the wrong girl. Not only does she show no concern for you at all, she seems to have a screw or two loose. End it and move on. Take a break from relationships for awhile, so you can focus on your schoolwork, and repair the damage.

Your best anti-depressant will be kicking her out of your life.

[ellie]

You could start standing up for yourself and stop being her doormat. Don't apologize just to appease her. Then sit her little butt down on the bed and more or less read her the riot act. Just lay it all out there and don't back down.

If you're lucky she'll leave you.

[nokiddin]

Originally Posted by bobsmith6452

She's been avoiding me ever since we got back from New York. So, yesterday, after she zones out while I'm trying to talk to her about something important, I ask her what's wrong. And she says sorry that she's just been really unhappy lately. I ask if there's anything I could do and she starts saying, "I don't know. Your whole attitude in New York just upset me. I know you were very uncomfortable, but it seems like you didn't even try very hard and it really hurt my feelings. Plus, I'm not happy with the fact that you have completely given up on college and want the easy way out. I know you have your own reasoning, but we think vastly different on this subject and I can't understand your way of thinking anyway. I've been trying to, but it just keeps upsetting me. I'm just frustrated and unhappy and I enjoy being alone lately".

I just don't know what to do anymore. She makes me feel like a failure. Do I really deserve this kind of abuse? She makes me cry like at least every month (sometimes more), as we almost break up right before her period every month when she gets really moody and doesn't make much sense. I don't ever do anything to purposely upset her, and often apologize to her for her getting mad at me over something silly. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with someone like this?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.

Say goodbye to her and commit to yourself not to get involved with women who complicate your life. Have enough self-respect to say you deserve better, even if it means being peacefully alone, and to do something about it, such as dropping her like a hot potato.

[kitkatbar]

May I ask, is this your first relationship? Because I kind of wonder what's keeping you guys together... I'm not hearing anything that particularly screams compatibility...

There are some people who are lovely in their own way, but when they try to be in a relationship together, push all the wrong buttons for that person. It sounds like that may be you and your girlfriend. It's also possible that you are trying to get into too deep of a relationship for what you have the time for right now. If you have school and studying and everything else, you do not need to be getting a cat. And then giving it to the pound (shame on you) and getting another one. Pets are not disposable items. People think you can stick them in a corner and they will look cute, but you have to think of the workload as similar to a human baby. Maybe not AS much work, but you have to play with the pet, and give them ways to work off energy (scratching posts) so they don't destroy your furniture. If you can't commit to that, you need to wait until you can to get a pet (like when you own a house.)

Same thing kind of goes with girlfriends. First off, it just sounds like you guys are a bad match, but also it sounds like maybe you would be better off anxiety-wise if you just concentrated on finishing school before trying to be in a serious relationship.

[Cali BassMan]

She says she hates you every few months, disappears for a few days then shows back up...
Might be more than just your car using the garage.....
She's a nut job anyway.... Bail

[germaine2626]

Your girlfriend acts more like an 11 year old than a 21 year old.

Whining for a cat---that will stay at your apartment, you will feed and care for it, you will need to pay $300 or lie to your landlord and then she complains when you are forced to get rid of it.

And then whines and whines until you get another cat. That is just crazy.

And who in their right mind would even invite their boyfriend on a 12 day vacation with their family, especially after they said that they didn't want to go.

And there is so much more.

There are so many nice, SANE, young women out there.

Break up with her and never look back.

[OdysseusNY]

anyone got a tl;dr?

i did notice the word kitten in the wall of text, if she likes kittens that's good but if she mistreats kittens dump her immediately. maybe that will help. good luck bob

[STT Resident]

bobsmith, all you have to do is re-read what you wrote and I think the conclusion is perfectly clear. Move on, young man - this girl is like a millstone around your neck, she's horribly immature and you need to go your separate ways and eventually find more compatible mates. Good luck!

[MKWC]

Does your back and butt hurt from bending over and taking it up the ying-yang all the time. There is nothing good about this relationship. Even the sex is bad - you said it yourself. So why are you still in this relationship?