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I wasn't sure who else to reach out to about this so the time has come to ask complete internet strangers for relationship advice. My fiance and I got engaged over the summer (he proposed in Hawaii!). That was right around the 1-year dating mark. We are both 30, have stable lives, no kids, close to our families, work full time in our chosen career fields, travel occasionally, a few local date nights here and there. Nothing out of the ordinary. He moved in with me this past October. We set up a joint bank account, been combining our expenses and there have been a lot of great days. Unfortunately, there have also been some bad days where we are at eachother's throat, like last night.
Admittedly, I have a temper and I'm trying my best to work on that. I'm even considering online anger management classes. I know that it's not healthy and sometimes I have a short fuse and blow up. He's generally a sweet guy, very loving, but lately he has been more and more detached. Last night, he threatened to leave for the second time and yet again told me to remove the ring. This is the second time where he has literally pulled out his suitcase and proceeded to add his things to it. After much pleading with him, he ended up staying the night (but slept on the futon in the nook of my bedroom).
Last night's fight stemmed from something stupid - Onions and chores. He said one of my dishes lacked onion and I took offense to that and snapped. I took it way more personally than I should've. Again... temper... I know it's bad. In the last 3 months of living together I have cooked about 98% of the time and I do find it frustrating. Both of us work full time and are bringing in equal pay. He said that the inequality in chores bothers me so much because I'm keeping score and a relationship shouldn't be about keeping score.
Another thing he brought up last night during our rage... which was the most hurtful... was that he thinks I'm only with him as a "conversation piece." WTF! I love this man and can't wait to share the rest of my life with him. He is my best friend, confidante, travel buddy (we just returned from a Europe trip over the holidays). I don't know why he would say that. He also called me an "emotional terrorist." When we fight, I fight dirty and say things I end up regretting and we both struggle for power. But we both have motivations and goals in common (kids, real estate, etc.). He is more of a homebody and we enjoy watching our favorite shows and movies together. He said to me and I quote "If there's ever a choice to do something and nothing I'm always going to choose nothing." He genuinelly enjoys just staying in and relaxing, which is fine by me.
I love his family too which is another thing... His mom and I get along VERY well. She just so happens to live a few minutes down the street from me and we are both one in the same. I think he feels I nag too much like her. I'm Type A and have checklists for my checklists... Lately, everything feels scheduled.... especially with all of the wedding to-dos. I know it overwhelms him as he gets bad anxiety. I know we both are very stressed about the wedding and not sure if we are both just speaking out of character. But it has a lot of concern for me.
We have our second pre-marital counseling session tomorrow night and I just hope we can work things out there. In the meantime, I was hoping someone could give insight on our situation. I'm worried that the next time I blow up, he will leave for good. I almost want to avoid him the next few months until our spring wedding.
TL;DR Version: I have a temper that I'm trying to work on, fiance and I have been blowing up at each other and saying hurtful things. He threatened to leave last night and even had a bag packed. We are both living in a house that I own and wish that we were on more neutral territory. I think he feels uncomfortable some nights. We are hoping to buy a home in Spring 2021 but have some repairs to this current house beforehand.
Any thoughts besides pre-marital counseling session and anger management courses? Is it just the wedding stress getting to our head?
I suggest putting a halt to any wedding plans, and you both go to couples counseling to see if you guys can resolve your issues. This is not how you want to begin married life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RockyEngagement
I almost want to avoid him the next few months until our spring wedding.
And what's with this statement? Do you think getting married will resolve the issues? Or that he'll be locked in and can't leave when you guys get into fights? This just tells me all you're focused on is the wedding and not what day-to-day married life is going to be.
Honestly, that is very much how it was when my husband and I started living together. We had a LDR for 2 years, then I started work in one state while he sold his house in another. When we finally started living together, I thought it would be AWESOME!! It.Was.Not.
I also liked to do things my own way. I also fought dirty because honestly, I was young and didn't realize how damaging it could be. I can't say I'm always 100% fair now, but I have definitely improved in that area, and you can, too. Honestly, the first couple of months were so difficult, I thought I had made a HUGE mistake in getting married. Fortunately, my husband has some years and maturity on me, so he realized we were having typical roommate issues, not huge marital problems. Things like chores, etc. sometimes take a while to sort out. And then they need adjusting over time, as responsibilities change.
Hang in there, talk to your fiance and realize you're both in this together and you will get through it!
YOU need individual counseling in addition to premarital counseling. You have some personal issues that you have to get a grip on before you try to merge your life with someone.
These issues are not deal-breakers, but they can be if you don't accept FULL responsibility for your emotional shortcomings.
Your temper and micro-managing tendencies from somewhere. That's what you need to work on with a therapist. Your fiance doesn't want to be married to a parent. You need to come into this marriage as an adult partner, not a mom/authority figure.
I suggest putting a halt to any wedding plans, and you both go to couples counseling to see if you guys can resolve your issues. This is not how you want to begin married life.
And what's with this statement? Do you think getting married will resolve the issues? Or that he'll be locked in and can't leave when you guys get into fights? This just tells me all you're focused on is the wedding and not what day-to-day married life is going to be.
I didn't mean it like that. What I meant was trying to avoid any blow ups. Not really sweep it under the rug, though I can see how that came off.
Last night's fight stemmed from something stupid - Onions and chores. He said one of my dishes lacked onion and I took offense to that and snapped. I took it way more personally than I should've. Again... temper... I know it's bad. In the last 3 months of living together I have cooked about 98% of the time and I do find it frustrating. Both of us work full time and are bringing in equal pay. He said that the inequality in chores bothers me so much because I'm keeping score and a relationship shouldn't be about keeping score.
(snip)
If someone is cooking 98% of the time it should be pretty obvious to both people, no one has to "keep score". Now, if you complained that you were cooking 54% of the time and he was only cooking 46% of the time, IMHO, that would be keeping score.
Unless he does other regular chores, perhaps 100% (or almost 100%) of the laundry or cleaning, IMHO, it isn't fair that you are doing almost all of the cooking.
Start to divide up chores in a reasonable manner. Maybe he cooks three nights a week and you cook three nights a week and on the seventh day you have left overs or sandwiches or go out to eat. Or you do all/most of the cooking but he always does the dishes, kitchen clean-up and daily cleaning (sweep the floor, pick up stuff, etc.) and you share the weekend cleaning (you wash the kitchen floor while he cleans the bathroom).
Honestly, that is very much how it was when my husband and I started living together. We had a LDR for 2 years, then I started work in one state while he sold his house in another. When we finally started living together, I thought it would be AWESOME!! It.Was.Not.
I also liked to do things my own way. I also fought dirty because honestly, I was young and didn't realize how damaging it could be. I can't say I'm always 100% fair now, but I have definitely improved in that area, and you can, too. Honestly, the first couple of months were so difficult, I thought I had made a HUGE mistake in getting married. Fortunately, my husband has some years and maturity on me, so he realized we were having typical roommate issues, not huge marital problems. Things like chores, etc. sometimes take a while to sort out. And then they need adjusting over time, as responsibilities change.
Hang in there, talk to your fiance and realize you're both in this together and you will get through it!
Thank you for the boost of confidence! Yes, I'm not fighting fair. I'm fighting dirty. I also think it would be advantageous if we were both in a house that both our name was on so he wouldn't feel like it's "my house." We both have separate living areas though (man/she caves) so we've been trying to use that to get a break every now and then. My issue is I talk before I think.... really need to work on that.
I'm glad to hear of your marital success. Last night was so discouraging as that was the first time he really said he was "reconsidering."
I didn't mean it like that. What I meant was trying to avoid any blow ups. Not really sweep it under the rug, though I can see how that came off.
I hope you see the lack of logic in saying that staying away from each other in the months leading up to your wedding might be better for you.
I promise that nothing magical happens during the wedding to make everything suddenly different. You should want to see each other more than anything.
Deal with it all now so you can learn techniques that will help you once you're married stop doing these harmful behaviors.
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