Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Pretty much when you blame things other people did to you as to the reason you stuck where you are, you've signed over the deed of your life to them and they will decide what you do.
Yep. But here come the lame cop-out posts:
-- "Well, I wish I were as perfect as you..."
-- "You don't understand my life...."
-- "Why are you so judgmental..."
Good post, but I think it is more complicated than simply deciding you are "in control of your life" (and from a philosophical perspective, I am not sure how true that is . . . not sure what all the variables are - could be karma, disposition, the hand you were dealt, your energy, your looks/intelligence, etc. - it's multi-dimensional). . . .
Some people have been so traumatized that they are operating from a place of "open wound." If the emotional and spiritual wounds are not healed, they become activated in the form of a PTSD response . . .If you don't have PTSD and you are not triggered and flooded with the trauma such as the initial trauma, then you are going to have little understanding of the dynamic, or tolerance for it . . .
I'm not saying they are stupid at all. I'm saying that there is hope and they don't have to live a life plagued with trauma and depression. Wounds can heal if people will allow them to, otherwise they hold people back from their pure potential.
I'm not saying they are stupid at all. I'm saying that there is hope and they don't have to live a life plagued with trauma and depression. Wounds can heal if people will allow them to, otherwise they hold people back from their pure potential.
Wounds don't heal by themselves. There are specific things that people can do to heal wounds . . .but it is not common knowledge . . . talk therapy doesn't help (creates more "problem" oriented grooves in the brain . . .
It is not a matter of simple will power or discipline or positive thinking, as you indicated . . .it can be complicated.
To people who have not experienced severe trauma, it may look like simple self-defeating behavior . . . and a lot of it may be, but most people do not know what to do to heal.
To an extent, we are responsible for our own lives.
Sadly, by the time we're old enough to recognise this, our inexperience in life may have led us to make some foolhardy decisions.
Then it becomes disaster management, rather than control.
I agree we're all responsible for aspects of our lives, but sometimes these choices, allied with sheer chance can occasionally take control from us.
As an example, someone I know has recently started dating. Personally, I think her guy has a lot of potential to be an abuser. He ticks so many boxes, and their story could almost be a perfect script for a documentary, or one of the stories you may read, written by a survivor. "It all started when".........
I don't really know this person well, so have kinda watched from a distance, wanting to be absolutely sure of the facts before I decided if I should speak up.
Not knowing them means that facts are more important, since we do not know how to get a message across to them effectively.
Not knowing them also means that should I choose to speak up, if I'm wrong, or the person takes umbrage and stops talking to me, it's no biggie. Personally, I hope I am wrong. It's nice to see people happy. I'd rather she had her dream shot at happiness and never talked to me again !
To give a brief outline, they've been together for just over two months, he moved in after a month, and they got engaged a week later. They are planning their wedding for early next year, not even within a year of meeting.
They now have a pet dog, and have taken out finance on a new car.
These are classic abuser tactics to create a "forced bond" between them and their victim. Rushing into having children, rather than pets is another.
There are many more, but I'm conscious this post is getting long !
Now, I've decided I've seen enough, and if I'm right, I don't wish DV on anyone, so I was about to speak up and draw her atttention to it. She has already shown signs that her internal warning alarm is sounding, but she's either ignoring it, or her "abuser" is distracting her from it.
So, as I was formulating a stategy, I read on F/B that the "abuser's" mother had died. Now, while I'm not suggesting in any way that he would have wanted his mother to die, it's pretty much guaranteed that any abuser will seize on such a situation and use it to their own purpose. It can be another tool to strengthen that artificial bond.
(you're the only person I have left now)
It also means that there will now probably not be "the right time" for me to speak up, and possibly prevent her from what could be coming.
I can't exactly sit her down and say "your man is a potential abuser" just after such a tragic event, it would be pointless, and probably insensitive.
So, I'd have to wait at least a few weeks, probably more like months. By that time, if I'm right, his power and hold over her will have increased to such a point that she couldn't see all the read flags waving at her from 6 inches away.
You see, while it was her choice to get with the guy, if I'm right, he's manipulating her into making "his" choices now, not ones which benefit her and her kids. Fate has stepped up and has removed another option. Fate has removed her control on her life now.
She is a passenger on this from here on in, until such times as she can regain control of the situation.
We all make decisions, and are responsible for them, but sometimes we are not responsible for the consequences. Sometimes our decisions relinquish control to others.
We are therefore in control of parts of our lives.
What does my mom say? "Some people aren't happy unless they have something to complain about."
I don't get it. Every time I think of something to complain about, I think..."Well, considering how awesome everything else is, is this really worth complaining about?" 99 times out of 100, the answer is no.
And frankly, why would you want to be known as that whiny person who can't seem to get their sh** together?
It seems I am the only one who thinks I have absolutely no control over my life. I have now been ill for years, first with Leukaemia , now Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Chronic Depression. I have no control over my body, my mind and absolutely none of what I want to do with my life.
Everything I ever wanted to do or aspired to is gone. I used to be the ultimate fit, healthy, academic, high achiever. Now my short term memory is appalling, I am disabled thus unable to do just about anything I genuinely want to such as ski, trek, hang-glide, fly, etc... even simple things like walking are denied to me. Archaeology and Anthropology were my life now I have the intellectual capacity of a drunken sea shrimp. My academic excellence is a past. I have been denied my body, my intellect and a healthy mind by years of illness. How I feel is not in my control.
If it was I would be a happy, content, human being. Not someone who will never be able to come to terms to how low she has fallen.
We are ALL different. Some people handle certain things better than others. Some for whatever reasons just cannot , be it chemical imbalance or life experiences or a combination of both.
I find it quite offensive when someone tells me I am in control of my life. I have NO control whatsoever.
Anyone for a start who has gone through severe depression as well as severe illness should understand that. Both take control away from you.
I try my very best to live life to the full as much as I now can. I travel as much as I can, I am involved with charities and political lobbying, I love the cinema, theatre, opera, music, the arts etc and eating out and indulge in it as much as I can. But in control ? Heck no.
In control for me would mean I could lead my life as I actually wish. Have a job I enjoyed , be able to go for long walks, trekk the world, sail, have the brains I was born with and the memory I used to.
Control was taken away from me a long time ago. I ask for nobody's pity or sympathy but I would appreciate if people did not put everyone in the same box simply because their perception of life is different than mine. Or somehow disparage me for it.
When you have no say on how you feel or how much you can do in life than I am sorry but there is no control. None whatsoever.
I am active and hope to remain so until my last breath but it has nothing to do with control as so much has been denied to me by life's fate.
Control to me is about making a cogent choice. I did not chose to be disabled, did not chose to lose my intellect, did not chose to succumb to severe depression. Nobody ever makes those choices.
When what you cherished in life is taken away from you then I would like to know where the control is ? Everyone has a limit. I have been pushed to the ground many times in my life and gotten up , again and again and again.
But ALL of us have a breaking point where getting up again becomes rather pointless.
Maybe to you all I am a pathetic , whiny , snivelling coward but like all of you I have my own UNIQUE set of circumstances which add up to my very own unique personality and breaking point. It might not be brave enough, or strong enough for you but all we can do is do our best. Life is out of my control. As is my body, my brains and my mind.
I find it a little insulting to be told we all can control our lives. That is the most facile, ridiculously patronising statement I can think of.
Until you know true despair and pain as someone else does ( not the way YOU feel about it but the way they do, walk in their shoes not yours basically) then lecturing is pretty unhelpful.
I hate my life. I have moments of happiness, I have a loving wonderful husband, we have a "good" life together but my true self is one of grief, physical pain, regret, lost potential and general unhappiness. I am as happy as I can be under the circumstances. But happy ? Bloody hell , NO.
I can't even remember what it is like to live a "normal" life , unhindered by pain , discomfort, depression, and intellectual oblivion. A life which is MINE to live as I wish. A life where indeed I have control.
I live on the edge of a precipice at all times. Never knowing whether one more blow will push me over the edge. And you think I chose this ? Believe me I can think of better ways to live and things to do with my life than being stuck in this body and mind. If I had control I would not be on this forum. I would be out there living life as it was intended to be lived.
It seems I am the only one who thinks I have absolutely no control over my life. I have now been ill for years, first with Leukaemia , now Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Chronic Depression. I have no control over my body, my mind and absolutely none of what I want to do with my life.
Everything I ever wanted to do or aspired to is gone. I used to be the ultimate fit, healthy, academic, high achiever. Now my short term memory is appalling, I am disabled thus unable to do just about anything I genuinely want to such as ski, trek, hang-glide, fly, etc... even simple things like walking are denied to me. Archaeology and Anthropology were my life now I have the intellectual capacity of a drunken sea shrimp. My academic excellence is a past. I have been denied my body, my intellect and a healthy mind by years of illness. How I feel is not in my control.
If it was I would be a happy, content, human being. Not someone who will never be able to come to terms to how low she has fallen.
We are ALL different. Some people handle certain things better than others. Some for whatever reasons just cannot , be it chemical imbalance or life experiences or a combination of both.
I find it quite offensive when someone tells me I am in control of my life. I have NO control whatsoever.
Anyone for a start who has gone through severe depression as well as severe illness should understand that. Both take control away from you.
I try my very best to live life to the full as much as I now can. I travel as much as I can, I am involved with charities and political lobbying, I love the cinema, theatre, opera, music, the arts etc and eating out and indulge in it as much as I can. But in control ? Heck no.
In control for me would mean I could lead my life as I actually wish. Have a job I enjoyed , be able to go for long walks, trekk the world, sail, have the brains I was born with and the memory I used to.
Control was taken away from me a long time ago. I ask for nobody's pity or sympathy but I would appreciate if people did not put everyone in the same box simply because their perception of life is different than mine. Or somehow disparage me for it.
When you have no say on how you feel or how much you can do in life than I am sorry but there is no control. None whatsoever.
I am active and hope to remain so until my last breath but it has nothing to do with control as so much has been denied to me by life's fate.
Control to me is about making a cogent choice. I did not chose to be disabled, did not chose to lose my intellect, did not chose to succumb to severe depression. Nobody ever makes those choices.
When what you cherished in life is taken away from you then I would like to know where the control is ? Everyone has a limit. I have been pushed to the ground many times in my life and gotten up , again and again and again.
But ALL of us have a breaking point where getting up again becomes rather pointless.
Maybe to you all I am a pathetic , whiny , snivelling coward but like all of you I have my own UNIQUE set of circumstances which add up to my very own unique personality and breaking point. It might not be brave enough, or strong enough for you but all we can do is do our best. Life is out of my control. As is my body, my brains and my mind.
I find it a little insulting to be told we all can control our lives. That is the most facile, ridiculously patronising statement I can think of.
Until you know true despair and pain as someone else does ( not the way YOU feel about it but the way they do, walk in their shoes not yours basically) then lecturing is pretty unhelpful.
I hate my life. I have moments of happiness, I have a loving wonderful husband, we have a "good" life together but my true self is one of grief, physical pain, regret, lost potential and general unhappiness. I am as happy as I can be under the circumstances. But happy ? Bloody hell , NO.
I can't even remember what it is like to live a "normal" life , unhindered by pain , discomfort, depression, and intellectual oblivion. A life which is MINE to live as I wish. A life where indeed I have control.
I live on the edge of a precipice at all times. Never knowing whether one more blow will push me over the edge. And you think I chose this ? Believe me I can think of better ways to live and things to do with my life than being stuck in this body and mind. If I had control I would not be on this forum. I would be out there living life as it was intended to be lived.
Well, thank you for this, Moose. And I will eat humble pie by adding one big, fat caveat to my own postings, one I usually offer up: "If you are not fighting a dread disease..." For those in that situation, I certainly have nothing for sympathy and empathy. You are fighting a battle that no one in good health can possibly understand.
With that in mind, my remarks are pretty much directed to those who get up every morning, have their health, have a way to earn a living, and have people in their lives--but find themselves in terrible circumstances, situations that are usually self-inflicted. These are the ones who choose to squander their lives, the very thing you are fighting to keep. To me, these are people who will not recognize the importance of every single moment, cannot value the people in their lives, and won't make the decisions needed to secure their contentment or happiness. As you yourself said, control is about making a cogent choice. Yet there are people out there, people in this forum, who have the ability to make those kinds of choices. Yet they do not. And that makes me sad.
None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. I type this missive right before I hop in a car and drive to a client meeting. If I get flattened by a semi on the way, will my last thoughts be, "Gee, I wish I...."? I like to think that I will have very few, aside from small and trivial things. But there are people who essentially pile regret upon regret on their lives by things they did and, even worse, things they didn't do. Things they didn't do because they lacked the courage or the objectivity to look at their lives and say, "I have to do something differently."
Best of luck to you in your struggle. The fact that you have come this far speaks volumes about your inner strength and courage.
I'm pretty sure Moonsavvy was referring to toxic relationships, trust issues in relationships, repeated bad behaviors in relationships, emotional issues, not health issues.....
Well, thank you for this, Moose. And I will eat humble pie by adding one big, fat caveat to my own postings, one I usually offer up: "If you are not fighting a dread disease..." For those in that situation, I certainly have nothing for sympathy and empathy. You are fighting a battle that no one in good health can possibly understand.
With that in mind, my remarks are pretty much directed to those who get up every morning, have their health, have a way to earn a living, and have people in their lives--but find themselves in terrible circumstances, situations that are usually self-inflicted. These are the ones who choose to squander their lives, the very thing you are fighting to keep. To me, these are people who will not recognize the importance of every single moment, cannot value the people in their lives, and won't make the decisions needed to secure their contentment or happiness. As you yourself said, control is about making a cogent choice. Yet there are people out there, people in this forum, who have the ability to make those kinds of choices. Yet they do not. And that makes me sad.
None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. I type this missive right before I hop in a car and drive to a client meeting. If I get flattened by a semi on the way, will my last thoughts be, "Gee, I wish I...."? I like to think that I will have very few, aside from small and trivial things. But there are people who essentially pile regret upon regret on their lives by things they did and, even worse, things they didn't do. Things they didn't do because they lacked the courage or the objectivity to look at their lives and say, "I have to do something differently."
Best of luck to you in your struggle. The fact that you have come this far speaks volumes about your inner strength and courage.
I do agree to a certain extent that some people maybe do not quite grasp the bull by the horns as much as they can in life but I am also often reminded that sometimes the pain people carried is hidden deeply inside and what seems to the casual observer self indulgence can often be something far darker and profoundly rooted.
Don't get me wrong, plenty of people really bug me complaining about this and that ( especially those who to my casual eyes seem to have it easy) but I do think we often really do not know what lurks beneath.
A lot of people are happier whining and being Divas in life but a lot also carry burdens which are invisible to the naked eye.
I get irritated by a great many people , often over silly things actually. We ALL do. It is the nature of being Human. But it is often too easy for us to prejudge what the cause of it is. Sometimes it is simply people being lazy and selfish, for others it truly is a myriad of unknown trauma we cannot even conceive of.
Some people are toxic by nature, others rendered so by life.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
