Spending money in a marriage (date, guys, love, separate)

[Capt. Dan]

The day that I tell her "you can only spend X amount" on something is the day I get a cast iron skillet across my head! That sh*t aint gonna happen!

[Suncc49]

Originally Posted by Miss Crabcakes

I wish I knew but I'm currently dealing with financial issues with my spouse and looking for ways to improve his financial situation.

Right now, we keep our finances separate since we both work and both have our own accounts. But he is constantly in debt, broke and relying on credit cards. I'm the complete opposite, stay away from debt and credit cards and save more than I spend. I don't know how others do it but we need a new system ASAP!

Make sure the cards are only in his name!!!

[Percentage]

Originally Posted by Suncc49

This scares the heck out of me.....

If you believe the crap he posted then please follow me to NY, there is a bridge i'd like to sell to you.

[Percentage]

Originally Posted by justthe6ofus

I stay home, he works and makes ALL of the money for this household.

I spend what I want, when I want. I have never asked him for "permission" to spend money, EVER. The day he tells me to do that is the day he finds himself single again.

We are running a household here but the way you word your question, you make it sound as though the person without an income is just a freeloader who could give a rats ass about the financial health of the relationship. That really couldn't be further from the truth.

I have a checking account (in my name only) that he direct deposits money into each paycheck. We use it for household expenses and I maintain that account. We also have a seperate checking that we put money into for bills and then a primary savings account for "emergency" funds.

We don't really spend money that much money on non-essential items. We discuss all bigger purchases (over $300 or so). IF we have a lot of money going out on any given week and we are running short, the purchase with the highest priority wins...he wanted to get a part for his truck but I had to take our kitties to the vet...so his purchase was deferred. Deferrment has NEVER been based on the fact that he makes the paycheck and I don't.

See the highlighted text sounds really awful or may be its just me. I mean what if he decides to cut back on spending...may be his employment status is a bit hazy..would you then check in? or is that also grounds for a divorce?

[Urban Sasquatch]

Originally Posted by k374

Say your spouse is a homemaker and you are the one bringing in the entire paycheck... what level of discretionary spending by your spouse (on his/her personal wants) do you consider acceptable? Is it a percent of your total discretionary income or do you usually have a $ value in mind? Does your non-earning spouse ask you for permission above a certain $ value? What kind of arrangement do you guys have?

How do you balance it out with your spending...say there is a situation where both of you want something for $X but there is only money for one of you to get that thing...you being the earning spouse do you feel that you should get preference to have it and that your partner should defer his/her purchase?

I'm going to answer this one BEFORE I read any of the responses in order to keep my answer as "unguided and sincere" as possible.


I do not care WHO is the money-maker and WHO is the homemaker, stay-at-home mom or stay-at-home dad. I absolutely and unequivocably DO NOT CARE with regard to gender.

I do not know how to make it more plain that I DO NOT CARE OR ASSIGN GENDER TO THIS SCENARIO.

Now, bear in mind that I say this knowing full well that regardless of what *I* may think, there honestly IS a social stigma assigned to either gender when they fulfill the role of either homemaker OR bread-winner. Let me say that again because it's often missed by people, who generally rely on rumour and sensationalistic view for their loosely-defined "information":

THERE IS BOTH A POSITIVE AND A NEGATIVE ASPECT, AND MOST DEFINITELY A STIGMA ASSIGNED TO BOTH GENDERS WHEN THEY FULFILL EITHER ROLE.

I'l presume for the moment everyone out there is capable (although let's get real, I know some of you are absolutely NOT) of figuring out both the positive and negative sides of that equation.


So commencing with the pertinent question at hand regarding expenditure of income and what is/is not acceptable:


In an OPTIMUM situation wherein, let's say I'm the breadwinner and my wife the homemaker, WE BOTH HAVE JOBS AND ROLES TO FULFILL. Let's reverse who is who; the situation remains the same, she has a job and I do, too.

POINT: I know a LOT of guys who think that homemaking isn't a "real" job, who actually think her "simple work" is done by 10:30 in the morning and she spends the rest of the day over the back fence chit-chatting with the neighbouring wife over the latest soap-opera... who think that the day is spent eating ice cream bon-bons while relaxing on the couch and diddling herself to lurid fantasies of Hollywood hunks... who think she runs out to get her hair done weekly and goes on mad spending sprees...

POINT: ...and whether women like it or not, I've seen SOME cases where that is true.

In BOTH cases, the men who THINK this is ALL homemaking is, and the women who really DO live this way, they are IDIOTS and need a solid smack upside the head.


In OPTIMAL world, where my wife and I share a partnership, I have my job and she has hers.

REAL homemaking involves budgeting, planning, not merely shopping but careful shopping in various ways from saving money to planning where to NOT cut corners, for the family's best interests.

Any old doofus can cook a meal and slap something on the table. MY wife in this situation actually CARES about what she puts before the family. She wants all of us to be healthy AND she wants all of us to enjoy what's on the table. She plans meals, she researches ideas and expounds upon them.

She does laundry. Not much to it, right? Wrong.

I currently live with a woman (my Other, I no longer use the word "wife" and "Significant Other" suggests compatibility which is simply not there) who takes GREAT time and care with her own laundry, while mine and our child's... yeesh. I finally had to MAKE her stop doing our laundry because she simply doesn't care whether we have hygienic clothing or not. She overloads the washer, she overloads the dryer and she has NO compunctions regarding pulling still-damp clothing from the over-packed dryer and folding it and putting it away so that it mildews and stinks. I've pointed this out MANY times, and then I began to take our laundry away from her in order to make sure we DO have hygienic clothing.

Left to her own devices, if she had THREE shirts to wash, the washer would still be set on maximum capacity, an entire cup of detergent used. As far as she's concerned the washer ONLY has "maximum" as a setting, no small load, medium load, large load, maximum.... ONLY maximum. It's a waste of resources and she simply doesn't CARE enough to heed what began as questions, then became suggestions, then directions and finally resulted in me taking over.

(For every woman who just read that and thought "Why should SHE have to do the laundry? Is it because she's a WOMAN, you lazy man?" -- I'm a grown man and perfectly capable of laundry, and I have always DONE my laundry, and that of others. If it was just a question of "why should I do your laundry", I'd even be FINE with it, but when someone doesn't care if their CHILD's clothing is hygienic but ensures their own is, something is badly amiss, so check yourselves before you dare approach me on this one.)


REAL laundry takes time because not everything can just be done all at once. And in this hypothetical situation my fantasy wife DOES REAL laundry and CARES.

Cleaning a house can be simple if kept under control, but in real life things aren't always under control.

There are MYRIAD variations on the theme.

She has her job; I have mine. Her's includes all the budgeting she can manage given aspects of her job. Mine includes pitching in when I come home AND making sure I don't see coming home as "the end of my day" while hers, which began just as early, is still going on.

There's no way in Heaven or Hell I'm leaving all the housework to this hypothetical wife; that's just not RIGHT and I wouldn't do it.

So... I trust this wife, and she trusts me.

How much discretionary spending do I consider "allowable"...?


It's one of those things WE go over every week or two when WE sit down for a half hour and go over the budget to make sure we're both on the same page and keeping on track toward OUR mutual goals while doing our best to allow for OUR individual preferences, needs and wants.


Sometimes she'll make mistakes and over-spend.

And sometimes I will, too.

And the ONLY realistic way to fix that is to fess up, get together and determine what to do to make sure we get back on track.


How much discretionary spending, I presume on personal wants and "luxuries"...?

So long as neither of us screws it up too badly, that money I bring home is OURS, and I trust her to do her part just as she trusts me to do mine.


And yes, ladies -- I really and truly do BELIEVE that, honest-to-God, deep down in my soul.



That's Optimal World, Hypothetical World.

In Real World, people are idiots and it doesn't matter what I "approve" for discretionary spending, because if I'm dealing with someone I can't trust to stick to a budget or be honest with me, what would my "approval" matter anyway? She's going to do what she wants regardless of my "authority".

[Miss Crabcakes]

Originally Posted by Suncc49

Make sure the cards are only in his name!!!

The cards he's using are in his name only. The only joint credit card we have is for joint purchases only and only has about $120 on it (which is his share right now).

[Cindy_Jole]

Originally Posted by k374

Say your spouse is a homemaker and you are the one bringing in the entire paycheck... what level of discretionary spending by your spouse (on his/her personal wants) do you consider acceptable? Is it a percent of your total discretionary income or do you usually have a $ value in mind? Does your non-earning spouse ask you for permission above a certain $ value? What kind of arrangement do you guys have?

How do you balance it out with your spending...say there is a situation where both of you want something for $X but there is only money for one of you to get that thing...you being the earning spouse do you feel that you should get preference to have it and that your partner should defer his/her purchase?

You and your spouse should decide on how much of each paycheck goes to savings, expenses, rainy day funds, other accounts, etc. It may also be helpful to allot a certain amount just for personal wants, and the money can then be used by either spouse to spend how they wish. This way, even if the items purchased are frivolous, the cost would be a fraction of the paycheck and would not affect your savings or ability to pay expenses.

It's ridiculous to expect the non-earning spouse to ask for PERMISSION. That's like expecting the working spouse to ask for permission for an extra helping of dinner, or to wear an extra shirt, or use a second plate, you get the idea. But definitely discuss the larger purchases and have both partners' inputs on the matter.

If there's something that both of you want, can't you two share? If the item cannot be shared then I would take turns with who gets to buy the item.

[MonaLisaVito]

Originally Posted by k374

Say your spouse is a homemaker and you are the one bringing in the entire paycheck... what level of discretionary spending by your spouse (on his/her personal wants) do you consider acceptable? Is it a percent of your total discretionary income or do you usually have a $ value in mind? Does your non-earning spouse ask you for permission above a certain $ value? What kind of arrangement do you guys have?

How do you balance it out with your spending...say there is a situation where both of you want something for $X but there is only money for one of you to get that thing...you being the earning spouse do you feel that you should get preference to have it and that your partner should defer his/her purchase?

The money is direct deposited into our joint account. Bills are all paid, a certain amount goes into several different savings accounts we have (401, vacation acct, savings, money market). Whatever is leftover we use for whatever we need at the time. There is no amount of discretionary spending money for anyone. When one of us needs something, we buy it. If it something that cost a large sum of money, I ask him or he asks me, hey, do we have enough money for me to purchse this? Then we check our accounts and usually go buy it.

It's really simple, if you're in a real marriage.

[Percentage]

Originally Posted by MonaLisaVito

The money is direct deposited into our joint account. Bills are all paid, a certain amount goes into several different savings accounts we have (401, vacation acct, savings, money market). Whatever is leftover we use for whatever we need at the time. There is no amount of discretionary spending money for anyone. When one of us needs something, we buy it. If it something that cost a large sum of money, I ask him or he asks me, hey, do we have enough money for me to purchse this? Then we check our accounts and usually go buy it.

It's really simple, if you're in a real marriage.

same here! Just would like to add that i disagree with the "real marriage" comment. There isnt one way to manage funds that is best for everyone...so other marriages or relationships arent fake because they dont subscribe to the same money spending structure that yours and mine household uses...

[Braunwyn]

While my husband was in college he didn't have an income. We don't really have outside expenses. Normally we argue for the other to have a better Christmas gift. Last year I lied about how much extra we had so I could buy him the gift I wanted. He graduated and has a job now, but it's half my income. No matter. It all goes into one pot.