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I think you just have to decide to put the needs of the kids first and keep it amicable.
You probably won't have much control over what she does after you're not married, including having men around even if it's not healthy for the kids. You can only change what you can change, you can only control the home you give your kids, but maybe she will listen if you stay amicable.
I'd stop sweating the money. It's gone and you probably always knew she wasn't responsible when it came to money, she blew her kids' college money but it would just be a big fight to try and force her to put it back. Let her live with the fact she took that money, she might be great at deflecting but underneath she really knows.
About the 'sleepovers' with the new beau.... Many states have a standard custody order prohibiting this. It won't say no boyfriend sleeping over- just that it can't happen during the time the children are in her care.
Just remember that this will apply to you also if you meet someone.
Wow this miust come as a surprise to all those stepparents and significant others of divorced people out there! Do the courts also decide at what point a BF or GF becomes a SO and is allowed to spend the night? Geez.
I would like a link to your info about this "standard custody order." My custody (WV) states only that the child is not to be left in the sole care of an unknown third party without the approval of the other parent. My ex bought a house with his new GF before we had even filed for divorce. I had no say about whether my kids could stay at their home or or not. Reasonably so.
Your ship (marriage) is sinking and energies used to poke more holes in it take away from what you can salvage from it. You will be tempted to do bad things, things that dishonor you. Things that hurt. You will not be glad of them later. I consider myself an honorable man, I will always do the right thing if I am able and can discern it. I did not make it through my divorce without doing a few things that shamed me. I didn't do them on purpose but I couldn't see them for what they were at the time. Trust me on this, do your very best to take the high road at every turn and you will still likely fail but in the trying you will have some hope of not doing anything too hurtful.
This is such great advice. I too did some out-of-character things I am still ashamed of, and so did my ex, including one incident that landed him in jail over night. It was a complete overreaction on both of our parts and it created a lasting rift between us that my kids are the ones dealing with today and that will probably never be healed. I am sad that we can never be friends as a result of one stupid, thoughtless spasm of hurt that got acted on.
So please, before you act on ANYTHING...spend a few days thinking about your choices--and try to choose the path that will have the absolute lowest chance of having a lasting effect or consequence.
I wish I'd had this advice during that crazy, horrible time.
i'm anyone has the time to read all of this, god bless you. marriage troubles are always a long story. thanks for taking the time
sorry that it also carries on.
My wife and I are in the middle of a meditated divorce. We are in our mid 30's and have 2 children both 4 and under.
All in all, it has been going well. We started the mediation sessions around late August. She wanted a divorce since this past May after I demanded she tells me what she wants to do. She has never had any second thoughts since she told me what she wants. Since May we have both lived in our house and slept in our bed all the while taking care of our children. We are both very involved and great parents. It is probably the strongest point to our marriage.
Since Fall started, she has moved out, got an apt and we split time with the kids.
Now my wife and I have never had a marriage where we were ever content. We argued about respect, money, chores, and the other normal items. We both don't have any bad habits like drinking or drugs, both have been faithful. We just went in circles and nothing ever got fixed, just swept under the rug.
some personality details about us and background-
I'm a very strong person and fair. Direct and honest. smart. I give what i get back and value details and reasons in an argument. when pushed or crossed, i can be cold, spiteful, vengeful, and give out a verbal lashing. I'm not a physical person at all unless i have to be. I kinda live my life very balanced but if the line is crossed, then anything goes. I'm very protective of my kids, only trust people who prove they can be around them or watch them. I don't like when people take advantage of my kindness or strengths. Very passionite to the things in life i truely value and work hard at. Insults don't really bother me, it all depends who it's coming from. If it's a pure enemy, I will attack without mercy usually. It's not easy for me to play jesus and let things go and forgive my enemies.
My wife is tough on the surface only and very insecure underneath. She has class and loves her children very much. she's generous mostly with gifts. most people like her because she can be a good friend. She doesn't like to look stupid or of less value than others. She wants attention. she doesn't like to be cornered when she does something wrong and trys to deflect any type of accussation that comes her way. she can't come clean, show guilt, or apologize. even when she is caught redhanded, she rather lie. when she lies, she also threatens you to make you back off. she used the strengths of a woman. She's bad with money. she thinks she doesn't have to budget and doesn't have to change her lifestyle even when she can't afford it. i've always felt i've had to pay for whatever was missing in her life. it sucked. he hypocrisy is endless. she can say or do whatever she wants, but i get killed for it. she doesn't have to give reasons or explain her actions, she hates what some of her family members do but she does the same thing. she wants respect and all that goes with it but she doesn't have to give any. very immature in some ways. she pretty much puts this act up and wears this mask to hide who she really is. i've found that when she does something wrong or insults me, if i walk away and don't say anything, she will end up apologizing. if i complain at the point of contact, she'll never apologize.
we had respect/communication issues before we got married. i always said our marriage was built on love, faith, and committment. there were many opportunities to walk away but we never did. you just feel that people will mature and things would get better. since we had the kids (when life got harder) arguements changed. now they were about bills or who's leaving a mess and who's not pulling their weight. since we were immature combatants, everything esculated to an argument that didn't even follow the original topic. we always found a way to bring out old insults also. not good.
since the past 4 years, we did out jobs as parents. beautifully i think. we paid our bills after i had to argue with her to deposit money, etc and most of our good times were as a family. everything was quicky deteriating though. we didn't really do anything together anymore. just lived together. i didn't want to have sex or anything.
soon enough spring of 2010, i caught her taking money from my kids college account. i couldn't stop it because she had control of it. her father gave her some good money when each child was born and she put it in a saving acct. when she needed money for a bill or something else, she hit up that acct. and this person made more money than me. that was low to me, when i approached her, she as I assumed, lied and denied. i kinda just shut down with her at that point. i was mad underneath and didn't know what i wanted to do because that was pretty bad. i was very committed to my marriage and my kids lifestyle. i may have threatened divorce but would never go through with it because it's alien to me and i'm a catholic man. i just don't believe in it. i figured if we were married, things can be fixed. she just had to show guilt and we could take it from there. it never happened, and she did it more times. i'm sitting her with a broken car, needed some money to fix it but never thought of taking my childrens money.
so i noticed she's not only selfish and disrespectful but has terrible morals and character traits.
so now in december- february '11, we have'nt had any intemicy since fall late summer of 2010 and she starts accusing me a little bit of affairs. i hardly leave my home so i'm not guilty of anything. she just figured if we weren't doing anything, i must be. in feb, she told me not to blindside her and tell me if i ever fall in love with someone else. i told her i would. whatever.
now in the spring of this year, she starts going out, staying out late and being the smart guy i am i know what's going on so i accuse her and she gets very defensive. i even know the guy, one of her best friends. this goes on all summer. I go through the normal stages of divorce reaction. not bad, but the inner rage is brutal. it's not easy living with a unfaithful liar who thinks you know nothing about anything and when you give her facts, she blows them off. some bad fights this past summer but screw her, she deserves it. i just stayed at home and took care of my kids.
she is guilty but plays a good game. I think she is just in la-la land and that's when i felt she's truely in a mid life crisis.
i stated the history between us and you can see where our marriage was going but she decided to have an affair, not me. i've stayed clean the whole time. i she didn't want to get counseling. she didn't want to try anymore. she just wanted to pursue the new life and hide behind herself and her lies. she wanted mediation not only because it's easier but cheaper and it wouldn't bring out the garbage she's hiding. she know's she has alot to protect and never came clean yet on anything. she's afraid i'll turn the tide and bring her to court.
now, one thing we do agree on is that we do want a future where we are friends and everyone gets along. i don't think with what she's done, this is going to happen unless i finally feel content with the situation. i don't blame myself for feeling this way. she's the blame for everything. she could have gotten a divorce and things could have been fine between us. she just wanted to include this intruder in not only her life but my kids. i draw the line on that one.
now since she left the home, things have been great. i found out i really didn't want her in my life anymore to begin with and i was living a routine with her. i only care really about me and my kids. we don't argue but i don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. i think that hurt her a little. she does show at times so sort of guilt through her actions. and she had never disrespected me as a father. she always maintains the relationship between us and the kids.
it's unfortunate i have to take this stand but the reason is besides what i've known since may, besides the other man that has shook my hand at times, i have found futher evidence of the affair through emails and facebook. i feels good more than hurts because it's nice to know whattype of person she is and what she's done. to be honest, this guy is a huge step down from me and is nothing more than a replacement aswell as an exciting fresh start. new love is always a great feeling for anybody. i like knowing that my path is clear as far as she is concerned. for example, this past week she said she had to go on a business trip where i had to change my schedule to watch them. she actually went on a locate trip with the new guy. not only that, she still takes $$$ from my kids account.
we still are going through this mediation thing and i know the courts do nothing about affairs so i'm not going there but i have a tremendous need to expose her to everyone. she hides behind this mask and she really needs to be humbled. all i have to do is send a long email with all the facts and CC everyone so they can see what kind of person she is. I'm not only doing it for my own self respect but i want my kids to have a better mother. she'll still be with them half the time and i want her to not live the MLC life where she thinks this guy can sleep over and play with my kids. did you know my little guy who gets up in the middle of the night and goes to my wife's bed is sometimes in between my wife and this guy? drives me nuts because he's so young and could be confused.
to finsh off, i'm cool but don't know what to do about her. she needs to change her ways and start promoting a better person to not only my kids but to herself. exposing everything she hides would make her mad obviously but hopefully help her see who she is and that she can't hide anymore.
further, what about the $$ she's taken from my kids? can i get all of that back where it belongs? i don't have to sign any mediation contract unless i'm satisfied and am getting what i want.
medation is a blessing, court is not but she needs to get her lifestyle in shape so i know she's heading in the right direction. i don't care about the affair, it's over. i don't need her and the guy is loser also who couldn't find true love before he snaked into my marriage. i guess he ended up stumbling upon my trash. they are kinda meant for each other.
just need to protect my kids and myself. i'll get them half the year so that's good and i got my house. she didn't want it. she has a plan and she knows she doesn't need the house in the long run.
she still has all of her crap in the home. it's in one big pile. should i put it outside? she also takes advantage of attic stuff. she wants the xmas tree but it's sitting in my home.
because we're in the middle of things, she still has a house key and hasn't signed over the contract yet. alos becasue we are in the middle of things, i've been very nice and haven't striked yet. i know i can do that when it's over and she can't do a damn thing about it.
i'm pretty convinced this is mostly MLC driven and that's because i'm not saying we've had a great marriage. the total selfishness and insecurity is troubling. she really thinks she can maintain this new fabulous world.
so..... what are some things i can do at this point? is what i want to do a good idea and justified?
i also plan on sending the boyfriend a lengthly email. not threatning but more of asking him to be a man. is that a good idea?
since she's having a mid life crisis and has shown signs of guilt or sympathy, will she ever come clean to me and tell me everything and ask for me to forgive her?? should i forgive?? i'm pretty fine with the way i am with her right now. it's like she doesn't exist and is just my kids mom. it's amazing. i have no qualms staying this way forever but is it right?
thanks in advance
there more probably to want i've already mentioned so if anyone has any questions, please feel free. i have nothing to hide on my end.
I feel bad when I open up some of these threads because there's no way I can read all of that. I got the cliffs notes from other posts and I've determined that the OP should not send that email.
I feel bad when I open up some of these threads because there's no way I can read all of that. I got the cliffs notes from other posts and I've determined that the OP should not send that email.
LOL, at least you're honest!
I think he probably see's by now that trying to talk to the other guy at this point would do more harm than good.
And we don't really know how long this other guy has been in the picture, but since the OP and his wife stopped being intimate last winter I'm sure she may have been looking for attention elsewhere.
Point being, there are two sides to this story and we've only heard his.
thanks for all the replies. all of your insight has been honest and has shown a sensible approach to things.
to fill in some details,
my wife probably has gotten attention from someone else due to the lack of affection. i just couldn't do it anymore since the kid's college money theft. it really left me hurt and sour. i can't just have sex, i need to have a strong bond with a person. it wasn't there anymore. i could have initiated the divorce but was committed to the marriage's success even if it took time. people change for the better as much as they change for the worse. i was willing to wait for that chance. i also felt i always repsonded to what she did or said whether it was good or bad. either way she usually made problems. she made her choices to put herself in more trouble with me as i made the choice to not stoop to her levels. i some ways i can't blame her, it's the route the marriage took. if i was as insecure as she was, i would probably be the one having the affair. she went with the safe bet friend replacement to give her the attention. while i took care of the kids. i'm kinda proud of that. i always knew i was a good a father.
she could have had a nice divorce with me but all the extra stuff has made it harder. i would have liked to raise our kids as friends instead of me not wanting to acknowledge her. i shouldn't have to give anything to her and whomever else chose to disrespect me.
you all are right about me writing an exposing email to her and also emailing the boyfriend, it wouldn't make sense if i was chosing to move on. someone actually noticed alot of hypocrisy within my post.
i wasn't planning on doing it until everything was settled between us because i didn't want to disrupt the agreement. so within that time, things may change within me. i do have alot of anger towards her and him. alot has left but i don't like when people get one on me. i'll get what i want but i want her to be a better person as she moves on. if my kids are with her half the time, i would like her to be a better mother and to do that, she needs to change alot of herways and character traits.
do people like this ever show guilt? do they ever feel they have messed up and hurt people? when does it happen? when does the lies stop? do they really ever look at themselves in the mirror? where's the karma?
do my kids continue to get a mother who has fallen from grace?
i'm only after my wife being a super mom. everything else i can do without. i truely feel she needs a huge kick in the ass to see who she really is.
as for my kids stolen college $$$.... given to them by her father, checks were in their names, account was in their names. she obviously had control of the account and could withdraw from it. i was thinking of bringing it up in the mediation so i can secure half of it and watch over it on my end for the kids. i don't have to sign any contract until i'm satisfied right?
also, i can put into the contract that i do not want anyone to supervise my children unless i approve of it correct?
Wow this miust come as a surprise to all those stepparents and significant others of divorced people out there! Do the courts also decide at what point a BF or GF becomes a SO and is allowed to spend the night? Geez.
I would like a link to your info about this "standard custody order." My custody (WV) states only that the child is not to be left in the sole care of an unknown third party without the approval of the other parent. My ex bought a house with his new GF before we had even filed for divorce. I had no say about whether my kids could stay at their home or or not. Reasonably so.
I'm in Texas...... I know some other states have this just not sure which ones.
A morals clause may also be made part of a judgment for divorce or marital dissolution, typically preventing unmarried cohabitation or overnight guests of the opposite sex while children are present.
Wow - Everybody go back and re-read the OP, particularly -
"I'm a very strong person and fair. Direct and honest. smart. I give what i get back and value details and reasons in an argument. when pushed or crossed, i can be cold, spiteful, vengeful, and give out a verbal lashing.I'm not a physical person at all unless i have to be. I kinda live my life very balanced but if the line is crossed, then anything goes. I'm very protective of my kids, only trust people who prove they can be around them or watch them. I don't like when people take advantage of my kindness or strengths. Very passionite to the things in life i truely value and work hard at. Insults don't really bother me, it all depends who it's coming from. If it's a pure enemy, I will attack without mercy usually.It's not easy for me to play jesus and let things go and forgive my enemies."
Holy cr*p - is this honestly how you describe your personality? Are combative phrases like "pure enemies" truly necessary in order to describe your personality? Do you think it's a bit odd that so much of your "personality" is filled with violent descriptors?
That's a giant red flag for me, and based on your logical reasoning within these posts (such as the idea to send the email..) - I don't trust you to be in charge of drawing where "the line" gets crossed.
This thread isn't about a woman cheating on a poor husband - it's about a woman leaving an abuser. I've been on this site for awhile, and this is one of the more frightening threads I've read..
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