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I'm thinking of a quality or view you have towards your partner. For me respect is at the top. I think it's so important, although maybe this is more important for women? It just seems to be wrapped up in many other qualities- respect for intelligence, accomplishment, compassion. How about you?
In my opinion, and more importantly-in my life, the most important quality or view one can have towards the other is a Live and Let Live outlook on life/people. For the most part, it encompasses a lot of what others have mentioned: respect, integrity, honesty, and a few others. But letting someone live their own life, and being okay with it, takes these virtues to a new level.
Individually, each of these attributes may sound good on their own, but realistically each hold their own broad range spectrum of meaning; which is largely individual and one sided. Respect has nothing to do with virtuous, good, morals. It simply means that you find at least one admirable quality in another person. The same with integrity. And honesty? Right, most people either have some sort of "rule" where it is okay to lie in particular situations or they want to be lied to in particular situations. Honesty doesn't work that way. Everyone says they value honesty, but stop lying; honest people are considered a-holes and jerks.
Live and Let Live shows that you respect the other person by allowing them to live their own life in a manner that best suits them, and even though you may disagree with a part of their life, you are okay with it because you understand it is a choice they must make on their own, and, they are adult enough to make such a choice.
It also says that you are adult enough to do the same yourself, and that both of you are honest enough to not bs each other. It is not for the weak of heart/mind, though. It is basically an off-shoot of If you love something let it go, if it loves you, it will not leave. It takes a lot of courage, strength, and faith (religious or otherwise as it suits your situation) to relinquish all control of an individual's life to that individual them-self, but, once done, the two are better people for it.
I see what you're saying. Although, for me, I have to respect a person to even consider a position or any other quality. There will be no "live and let live", trust, attraction, or even happiness without it.
I see what you're saying. Although, for me, I have to respect a person to even consider a position or any other quality. There will be no "live and let live", trust, attraction, or even happiness without it.
Of course!
Relationships are easiest in the beginning. At that point, not only are they are new and exciting, but they are also safe in that they hurt less (or not at all) if they end during this time frame. The beginning is also a point where one can hide behind a persona, whether intentional or otherwise. Go a few months and the persona needs to drop, but usually the other person can see through it after the first month or so. This is the time that we either decide we can respect someone, or not.
So, granted, respect is in initial attribute one must feel for the other when one decides to proceed with the relationship or not.
However, things change. The dynamics of what contributes to and sustains a relationship in the beginning are different than what is needed after some time has passed (a few months....when the honeymoon period is over) just as those dynamics are different when a few years have passed. Respect is an important initial qualifier, but as the relationship grows and ages, that initial respect may still be there, or it may not be. Either way, new forms of respect will emerge, and like I said, what constitutes respect is different per person.
For me, and like I wrote; it is only my opinion, if the relationship is going to last the two involved need to fully accept the other for who they are. Faults and all. You do not have to like everything about them, but you certainly have to accept that these are qualities that make up who they are as a human being. Nothing in my mind says love more than the desire to simply let another person live their own life, faults and all, without trying to change them. In my eyes, that is the only way to have real respect, integrity, and true honesty in a relationship.
Relationships are easiest in the beginning. At that point, not only are they are new and exciting, but they are also safe in that they hurt less (or not at all) if they end during this time frame. The beginning is also a point where one can hide behind a persona, whether intentional or otherwise. Go a few months and the persona needs to drop, but usually the other person can see through it after the first month or so. This is the time that we either decide we can respect someone, or not.
So, granted, respect is in initial attribute one must feel for the other when one decides to proceed with the relationship or not.
However, things change. The dynamics of what contributes to and sustains a relationship in the beginning are different than what is needed after some time has passed (a few months....when the honeymoon period is over) just as those dynamics are different when a few years have passed. Respect is an important initial qualifier, but as the relationship grows and ages, that initial respect may still be there, or it may not be. Either way, new forms of respect will emerge, and like I said, what constitutes respect is different per person.
I find it to be just as important today with my husband as I did 10 years ago. Respect as an umbrella grows and develops over time. It's not a single attribute either. I respect him as a man, a husband, a scientist, an artist, and how he approaches life. It keeps me mindful of him and our marriage.
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For me, and like I wrote; it is only my opinion, if the relationship is going to last the two involved need to fully accept the other for who they are. Faults and all. You do not have to like everything about them, but you certainly have to accept that these are qualities that make up who they are as a human being. Nothing in my mind says love more than the desire to simply let another person live their own life, faults and all, without trying to change them. In my eyes, that is the only way to have real respect, integrity, and true honesty in a relationship.
Others may feel differently, and that is okay.
We each approach our marriages differently. I think it's par for the course to understand that we all have our faults and peccadillos. That's the case in any relationship. I'm not sure what living their own life means in the context of this thread. I am very much at the foundation of my husband's life and vice versa. We are threaded and the choices we individually make typically involves the other. Do you have a specific example in mind?
You assume that every relationship begins like this.
For the most part, yes. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate, but unless you are not interested in specifically meeting someone, it happens on a whim, etc., you will do something, say something, wear something, or a combination there-of in order to attract, and hold, someone of interest. The definition of persona, by the way, is: the aspect of someone's character that is presented to or perceived by others. An example of persona could be when someone acts like a ham when in front of a camera or when given a microphone.
I am not talking about presenting yourself as a millionaire athlete, or something like that.
Just what I saw from my parents, and my own experiences. You could also add in what I saw of friends' relationships, too.
From my experience, it seems that all the relationships that failed, failed because me, or the other, wanted to change something about the other, that in retrospect, seems rather trivial. How can you respect someone who is trying to change you? And it seems that the relationships that were successful (yes, I consider some relationships that ended to have been successful if they ended on a positive note) were successful because there was an understanding and acceptance of who the other person was, and who that person was okay.
We all make the choice to be with someone, despite the moments where it seemed like destiny, fate, "meant to be", etc. Some people do change dramatically over the course of a relationship, but for the most part, you really get a good grasp of who the other person is after a month or so. It just baffles my mind that often times, by my observations, the person you "knew" in the beginning was somehow good enough to fall in love with, yet that same person is somehow in need of change later on down the road.
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