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While the focus of this forum is usually about romantic relationships, there can sometimes be very intense emotional issues in some close friendships.
Many people have a friend who is there virtual brother or virtual sister.
However, some close friendships can end badly and abruptly.
Here is my situation:
A decade ago, I became great friend with a guy in college. We had the same taste in women, same goals, same interests, and saw the world similary. We tried to start a business together, helped each other with issues related to women, got each other out of jams, had two hour phone conversations where we discussed much at a deep level and so on.
It was great and lasted for many years. However, one day he betrayed me for reasons related to greed and then suddenly cut off all contact with me. It hurt me tremendously. I was hurt and thought that I would never see him again.
Many many years later fate caused us to meet again. We had a nice meal and sat and discussed the incident that occured and aired each side of the story. We also chatted about many other topics.
While, I thought I would never see this "friend" again, it was nice to have an interesting epilogue to the friendship that ended years ago badly and absruptly.
It was very nice closure. We might not be close friends again, but at least we got to have it out and I got to see the positive side again for old time sake. I am not sure what role he will have in my life. For instance, whether he will be at my upcoming wedding.
To anyone on this forum who had a blood brother or virtual sister relationship that ended badly and years later reunited with the ex-friend, my questions are:
1. What was it like to reunite with the ex friend that used to be like your brother or sister?
2. Did you discuss what happened?
3. Was it helpful or hurtful to see this "friend" again?
4. Did you decide to remain in touch or let that meeting be closure.
OP: I can relate to a betrayal by a super-close friend. While my personal situation with the friend was nowhere near as bad as yours though, I can understand. I had a close friend who was nearly like a brother to me; we knew each other from childhood. We were very similar in terms of cultural tastes, beliefs, etc. when we were younger, but as we grew older, for him those tastes changed while mine largely stayed the same. He started hanging out with "different" kinds of ppl. We still kept in touch regularly of course, over the phone, and multiple in-person visits per year. What started the tension between us occurred some years ago when he started joking and hinting about me verbally on a semi-regular basis about me being potentially gay or as*xual (and which I am neither), all because I had never had a girlfriend, which was extremely hurtful and frustrating to me. Also I was not "allowed" to talk about any of my academic or professional successes -- even tangentially -- to him, because he had notably less success himself until relatively recently. And so for me to discuss those things, not even in a non-boastful way, just to mention that they even happened at all, were totally taboo as far as he was concerned. The other thing that was very frustrating to me was that everything was "about him" -- his life, his work, his girlfriends, his hobbies. If I started talking about myself, or sharing my own thoughts/experiences, he would instantly tune out, get disinterested, bored, etc. It was like a one-way friendship, and after a while, I simply got fed up with it, and stopped contacting him, at least on my own initiative.
To answer your questions:
1. "Re-united" over the phone with the person a while ago, but there was really no sort of final closure. Since I stopped calling him regularly (I was always "the one" who had to call *him*), he hasn't contacted me vrtually at all, and he and I simply left it at that.
2. Yes -- I had previously confronted him about his numerous gay / as*xual digs (both untrue) at me, which he angrily denied and came back swinging verbally. He ultimately ended up apologizing, but his repeated insistence in denying that he made those claims in the first place was simply untrue. I "forgave and forgot", and let it go. However, his other habit of everything we discuss be about "him, him, him" still persisted and remained very apparent on a subsequent conversation, and so I gave up and stopped calling him of my own volition. And I haven't heard from him since then. My thoughts on the matter are, why should *I* always be the one to call *him*? Can't he return the favor once in a while, or reciprocate just for once?
3. Bittersweet.
4. He and I didn't officially say anything either way about it. (See #2 above.) It is almost kind of like a detente of sorts. I'm frankly just sick and tired of always having to be the one to initiate contact, and then, once I do, have everything and anything that we talk about, always be about "him". I haven't heard from or seen him in many, many months now, and don't really expect to anytime soon.
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 11-25-2011 at 10:04 AM..
Way back when, I was just getting together with my crazy ex-wife.
At the time, i didn't realise I was being manipulated, and I stupidly dropped all my friends.
I always felt really bad about it, but by the time I'd realised I wanted to change it, everyone had moved on, and I couldn't track them down.
Oddly, I bumped into one of them in a pub a few years later, we chatted for ages, but were both quite drunk, and forgot to exchange phone numbers !!
Now, it's been 20 years since I last saw them, but over the last couple of years, through Facebook, we're starting to get everyone back in touch. We're tracking down our core group one by one.
They'd all gradually drifted apart too.
Because I've always felt bad, I've offered a brief explanation and apology, but nobody cared. They were as happy to see me as I was to see them.
We've all met up a couple of times, and it's just great !
We took up just where we left off 20 years ago, but it's still a little odd to hear them all talk about their kids !
In my mind, we're all still young, free and single !!
While the focus of this forum is usually about romantic relationships, there can sometimes be very intense emotional issues in some close friendships.
Many people have a friend who is there virtual brother or virtual sister.
However, some close friendships can end badly and abruptly.
Here is my situation:
A decade ago, I became great friend with a guy in college. We had the same taste in women, same goals, same interests, and saw the world similary. We tried to start a business together, helped each other with issues related to women, got each other out of jams, had two hour phone conversations where we discussed much at a deep level and so on.
It was great and lasted for many years. However, one day he betrayed me for reasons related to greed and then suddenly cut off all contact with me. It hurt me tremendously. I was hurt and thought that I would never see him again.
Many many years later fate caused us to meet again. We had a nice meal and sat and discussed the incident that occured and aired each side of the story. We also chatted about many other topics.
While, I thought I would never see this "friend" again, it was nice to have an interesting epilogue to the friendship that ended years ago badly and absruptly.
It was very nice closure. We might not be close friends again, but at least we got to have it out and I got to see the positive side again for old time sake. I am not sure what role he will have in my life. For instance, whether he will be at my upcoming wedding.
To anyone on this forum who had a blood brother or virtual sister relationship that ended badly and years later reunited with the ex-friend, my questions are:
1. What was it like to reunite with the ex friend that used to be like your brother or sister?
2. Did you discuss what happened?
3. Was it helpful or hurtful to see this "friend" again?
4. Did you decide to remain in touch or let that meeting be closure.
I would appreciate any thoughts.
Thanks
Yes, I was friends with someone almost thirty years ago. We took trips together, hung out together all the time. Then I met my now-ex husband. He and my friend hated each other. I let the friend go. 20 years later I was divorced, and a couple of years after that my old friend saw my name on an Internet website and contacted me. We've kept in touch, and recently she moved her mother into an assisted care facility a couple of miles from my home. She has come up (from another state) to see her mother a few times recently, and when she does, we get together for dinner and hang out. Last night we went out for drinks after dinner, and we had a great time. It's nice to have an old friend back.
my friendship was very similar to the ones posted(esp Knight's). I was in fact so upset that i had ended it and furthermore had asked him never to contact me. I don't know why but i suspect for some reason that maybe i didn't really mean it but I was so angry at the time i had to. years later in therapy i was told it happened because the friend was a lot like my brother, who i am quarreling now and i may never see him again
I had an extremely close friend in High School. For 4 years we were virtually like sisters. We did everything together, spoke on the phone almost every day... I dearly loved her.
In college we slowly drifted apart. Then we didn't see or speak to one another for 20 years. There was no real break or rift, we just gradually stopped seeing each other or phoning.
Then after 20 years she tracked me down on the Internet. It turns out she had married an incredibly wealthy older man and she was living in Bel Air (adjacent to Beverly Hills). I had married my HS sweetheart and was still with him.
We met for lunch and she spent the entire 4 hours bragging about her money, her material possessions, her cars and all that. Her husband was a pot head who spent 8 hours a day stoned on drugs. It was obvious her marriage was a living hell, though she put on a good front. (I found out later she divorced him a year after our lunch).
In those 4 interminable hours, she listened to me about 10 minutes only. All I said was, "I still love my husband, we are not rich but love seems to me a hell of a lot more important than all the meaningless possessions you have."
Dead silence. She got up, never said goodbye to me, I was left with the restaurant bill (which was OK with me), and she drove off. I never saw her again.
I had an extremely close friend in High School. For 4 years we were virtually like sisters. We did everything together, spoke on the phone almost every day... I dearly loved her.
In college we slowly drifted apart. Then we didn't see or speak to one another for 20 years. There was no real break or rift, we just gradually stopped seeing each other or phoning.
Then after 20 years she tracked me down on the Internet. It turns out she had married an incredibly wealthy older man and she was living in Bel Air (adjacent to Beverly Hills). I had married my HS sweetheart and was still with him.
We met for lunch and she spent the entire 4 hours bragging about her money, her material possessions, her cars and all that. Her husband was a pot head who spent 8 hours a day stoned on drugs. It was obvious her marriage was a living hell, though she put on a good front. (I found out later she divorced him a year after our lunch).
In those 4 interminable hours, she listened to me about 10 minutes only. All I said was, "I still love my husband, we are not rich but love seems to me a hell of a lot more important than all the meaningless possessions you have."
Dead silence. She got up, never said goodbye to me, I was left with the restaurant bill (which was OK with me), and she drove off. I never saw her again.
Material possessions don't mean a damn thing when you've found true love. That woman displayed that.
I had a friend I grew up with since childhood. We were like brothers, went through everything togather, marriages divorces, kids etc We live in different states for the past few years but stayed in touch. Vacationed together a few times too.
A few years ago he cut off all contact with me.
Found out it was because his live-in GF did not like me and felt threatened anytime I was around. Would like to have heard that from him or her instead, but news travels.
After many years that friendship is over. Ah well.
Have you ever noticed how tough it is to have couples as friends? Usually the women will like each other and the husbands won't or vice versa. Once upon a time the H and I had another couple we were very close to. We got together almost every week and traveled all over the world together. We had a great time and were inseparable for years. Decades, even.
Then I was offered a chance for a great new job in a city more than 1000 miles away. I accepted the offer and made plans to move. My friends got very angry and blew us off completely. We then had no contact for years. I didn't know for sure but my theory was they found it easier to be angry with us than admit they were hurt. It felt like some strange kind of divorce.
About 10 years after the big split, I heard from her when a friend's daughter died from cancer. We were just civil, thanks for letting me know, etc. More time passed, I retired and moved again. I had a part time fun job at a high end store in an outlet mall and one day, there she was, shopping in my store. We talked and hugged like old times and it was great to see her again. Later I sent her some stuff she hadn't been able to find. She noticed I had lost a lot of weight and remarked she had found the pounds I'd lost. True, she had gone from model-thin to pretty chunky!
Turned out we were both separated from our respective H's but were still good friends with them. My H couldn't believe it when I told him who I had seen at the store that day. It was quite a shock.
My H died about 3 weeks ago and I let our old friends know. I got the best message from her. She had gotten together with her parents and her EX and shared a bottle of wine and talked about all the good times we had over the years. They celebrated my H's life. It's just what he would have wanted and it made me happy to think about our friends toasting him.
I miss them and think of them often. Even after all these years.
I am glad you were able to get together with them and I am so sorry to hear about your hubby. I really hope that the time you spent and will spend with old friends will help you
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