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Pikantari please try to be normal around this guy. I've had my fair share of emotionally battered women and quite frankly stopped dating them because they couldnt get over the emotional abuse from their previous relationships. It is very difficult for a man to pour his heart into a woman he loves only for her to constantly tell him that she doesnt deserve to be treated nicely. Please work with this guy to achieve happiness. He treats you well because he loves you and believe me, that is the real meaning of love..Not the abuse you've endured over the years.
^^This is very good insight and worth taking a good, long, hard look at again.
If you are truly happy with this man I would urge you to find a way to accept that (a) you deserve to be happy just like everyone else (b) trust his judgment that he found what he is looking for and he's happy (c) there will be bad days as well as good and you can't let those bad days discourage you.
If you can't accept it, then you may just end up driving this guy away. He'll eventually get tired of investing his effort, emotions, and energy into a bottomless pit of despair. You owe it to yourself to come to terms with this blessing and convince yourself that you are NOT what you were coerced into believing about yourself all those years ago.
Firstly, what you are describing is perfectly normal for an abuse survivor, so don't worry too much about it.
It's perfectly normal to feel anxious, and even guilty because we feel we don't deserve to be happy.
When with the abuser, we wait for the next episode when they are nice to us.
Even when we get a non-abusive partner, that conditioning takes a while to get over, We are just waiting for the "look what you made me do", or similar.
First question I have to ask, does your new partner know about the abuse ?
Maybe not the full extent of it, but at least that it happened.
If not, you should decide whether it's worth telling them.
You are dealing wth all sorts of inner turmoil. To a new partner, that can seem like mixed signals. You may avoid situations which could have previously led to an abusive incident.
You may react oddly to innocent gestures.
Your partner has no idea, and may wonder why you are behaving oddly, an innocent situation can lead to both of you behaving in a way you normally wouldn't.
It is important that you make this relationship as stable as you possibly can while you learn to grow into it.
If he knows, he can make allowances for your behaviour. If he truly understands, he'll know exactly what to do to help. Especially if you explain to him how you feel and why, and what he can do to help if it should happen.
You have to learn to trust him not to "go off on one", and at the same time, learn to trust yourself to let yourself go, to give yourself up to him. Slowly. Don't rush it. If you do, you might regret it.
Personally, I'd advise thatif you haven't had any already, you should seek some sort of counselling. You could be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
Contact your local womens' centre, they may be able to point you in the right direction.
Hi there and thank you for your response. He does know about it and I discussed it with him for a good bit. In the beginning, I had a VERY hard time accepting how wonderful he was towards me, because it was not behavior I recognized. I figured I should know about it so he would not wonder what the heck.
He is actually a very wonderful man who I love sincerely. I am sitting here in the corner of a Starbucks a little sad thinking of all of this and a text from him comes and just lights me up with a smile.
I went to counselling about 5-6 years ago but I did not know at the time what it was for. It helped me immensely and I continued to go. My neurologist sent me.
It was much worth telling him, because it was something he needed to know. Really, when I am around him, I just melt in his loving embrace. Anymore I do not openly question much of anything.
I suppose it is when I'm alone with my thoughts that the questioning comes out, or when he does something that has truly never been done before.... like this morning.
Pikantari please try to be normal around this guy. I've had my fair share of emotionally battered women and quite frankly stopped dating them because they couldnt get over the emotional abuse from their previous relationships. It is very difficult for a man to pour his heart into a woman he loves only for her to constantly tell him that she doesnt deserve to be treated nicely. Please work with this guy to achieve happiness. He treats you well because he loves you and believe me, that is the real meaning of love..Not the abuse you've endured over the years.
%, I do, as much as humanly possible! He does pour his heart into me and gives me his all. I did ask him yesterday as we lay in bed early in the morning why he was so sweet to me, and he told me because I deserved it.
I was not feeling the feeling I am right now, the do I deserve it feeling. It was more just a compliment of him being the wonderful person he is. The person I have been blessed in life to have.
I think we have happiness, I know we do. He smiles at me when he stands ten feet away and has not seen me in four days and I cannot contain my self and a walk turns in to a run and jump into his arms. He just laughs and holds me tight. Sitting here I smile thinking of that night.
....That is the real meaning of love, you are right....
When I saw your name I was preparing myself for the upfront boldness I am used to see it, the rather frank way you have about yourself. I am rather pleased with your response, and thank you..... You have seen me write of him, so you know how I feel and what he means to me.....
^^This is very good insight and worth taking a good, long, hard look at again.
If you are truly happy with this man I would urge you to find a way to accept that (a) you deserve to be happy just like everyone else (b) trust his judgment that he found what he is looking for and he's happy (c) there will be bad days as well as good and you can't let those bad days discourage you.
If you can't accept it, then you may just end up driving this guy away. He'll eventually get tired of investing his effort, emotions, and energy into a bottomless pit of despair. You owe it to yourself to come to terms with this blessing and convince yourself that you are NOT what you were coerced into believing about yourself all those years ago.
Hi Coolhand. I think it was very good insight as well, and I looked it over many times.
I am truly happy with him, and he with me. I am accepting (or trying my best) that I deserve happiness and I do trust his judgment and that he loves me and wants to be with me. He shows it more every day.
Today is one of those days that he has done something astronomical in my book. Many of the things he has done have been. He continuously shows me how much he loves and cares for me and today, well, he has done it again.
You know, I am not what I was coerced into believing for all those years and I prove it to my own self every day. I just have to take it upon myself to look at those things as well....
He and I are doing just fine. I have every belief that we will continue to do so..... =)
He helps me, without my asking, and in my mind it is very confusing. I feel guilty that he has done whatever he may have done, and worried about how I will ever repay him. hardhardhard
As a person who came from an environment in which I wasn't good enough and one in which people were nice only to get what they want, there is one major change I can see in myself.
I now see treating loved ones well as a gift. That was a starting point for me when I believed I had nothing to offer.
In that case, the only advice I can give you is to be patient.
Both of you.
My fiancee had similar issues to you, and I didn't know. In fairness, neither did she.
I thought everything was great, and I asked her to marry me. In fact, that's what actually brought me to this board in the first place !
Anyway, it triggered something in her, and she panicked. I damn near lost her. It was very close.
Learn to work with each other. Until you can let yourself go fully, you will need each others' help.
You will be fine, but it just takes time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari
Hi there and thank you for your response. He does know about it and I discussed it with him for a good bit. In the beginning, I had a VERY hard time accepting how wonderful he was towards me, because it was not behavior I recognized. I figured I should know about it so he would not wonder what the heck.
He is actually a very wonderful man who I love sincerely. I am sitting here in the corner of a Starbucks a little sad thinking of all of this and a text from him comes and just lights me up with a smile.
I went to counselling about 5-6 years ago but I did not know at the time what it was for. It helped me immensely and I continued to go. My neurologist sent me.
It was much worth telling him, because it was something he needed to know. Really, when I am around him, I just melt in his loving embrace. Anymore I do not openly question much of anything.
I suppose it is when I'm alone with my thoughts that the questioning comes out, or when he does something that has truly never been done before.... like this morning.
I know. I am trying to surround myself by positive people in the meantime. People that verify for me that yes, I am worth it. Trying to stay away from the negative, and believe me, they are out there.....
I love my new reality. Just wish it wasn't so hard to know that it belongs to me and is what I do deserve....
Thats the way to do it. When Negative people start to enter your life run away, quick!
Learn to accept being treated well. It will set an example for your children.
Pikantari, believe me, I know where you're coming from. I was in a relationship where it got to the point where I was TOLD not to tell her how I felt, about anything. I basically bottled it all up inside - very unhealthy. Sex stopped, affection stopped, even hand-holding stopped. I basically did everything possible to avoid her, just so that we wouldn't argue, much less talk. That included working a lot of overtime, and basically not coming home.
Therapy helped me, and so did going out and finding someone else, once I knew what was going on inside my head. It took me a while to realize that women CAN be affectionate to you back, without my feeling guilty. I felt that my job was to give and give and give, and get nothing back, including affection. I realized that's not healthy, and that I deserved someone to love me back. And I'll tell you one more thing - once I realized all this, and women liked me for who I am as a person, WOW did it bring back my confidence!
%, I do, as much as humanly possible! He does pour his heart into me and gives me his all. I did ask him yesterday as we lay in bed early in the morning why he was so sweet to me, and he told me because I deserved it.
I was not feeling the feeling I am right now, the do I deserve it feeling. It was more just a compliment of him being the wonderful person he is. The person I have been blessed in life to have.
I think we have happiness, I know we do. He smiles at me when he stands ten feet away and has not seen me in four days and I cannot contain my self and a walk turns in to a run and jump into his arms. He just laughs and holds me tight. Sitting here I smile thinking of that night.
....That is the real meaning of love, you are right....
When I saw your name I was preparing myself for the upfront boldness I am used to see it, the rather frank way you have about yourself. I am rather pleased with your response, and thank you..... You have seen me write of him, so you know how I feel and what he means to me.....
Have a great day, you!
lol, i'm working on being a bit more tactful with my response. But i honestly know what he is feeling. It takes a lot of work to uplift a person from the sort of situation you were accustomed to...and only a few seconds for some jerk to destroy all the hard work. I used to wake up to an ex crying and asking me why I'm love her. Excuse my honesty here but my reaction to her emotional outburst slowly progressed from immediate consoling to WTF? or asking when she was going to stop questioning my love for her? I know you are not doing these things in front of him but every time he squeezes you tight (reassuring you that things are going well). Every time he looks into your eyes, he can tell that you love him but something is still incomplete. Please let the past remain the past and focus on the present.
Its very difficult to overcome abusive relationships but from reading your posts and your position on different subject matters...i am confident you can do it. All the best!!!
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But i honestly know what he is feeling. It takes a lot of work to uplift a person from the sort of situation you were accustomed to...and only a few seconds for some jerk to destroy all the hard work. I used to wake up to an ex crying and asking me why I'm love her. Excuse my honesty here but my reaction to her emotional outburst slowly progressed from immediate consoling to WTF? or asking when she was going to stop questioning my love for her? I know you are not doing these things in front of him but every time he squeezes you tight (reassuring you that things are going well). Every time he looks into your eyes, he can tell that you love him but something is still incomplete. Please let the past remain the past and focus on the present. 
