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Old 12-30-2011, 05:05 AM
 
25 posts, read 36,183 times
Reputation: 17

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Sorry for the long story, but I think the details are required to express my feelings.

I broke up with my first and only girlfriend around 10 months ago. The reason was that I am Indian and she is american, and my parents weren't approving it and she turned bitter about this. Right after this, my friend introduced me to a Filipino girl for dating. But after my first experience I had decided not to date as I did not want to hurt someone again. So on the second date I told her that we should not meet since my parents won't approve this. But she somehow got attached already and kept calling and meeting me for another month. She even said that she can 'just date', but looking at how attached she already was, I did not want to risk it just for my pleasure. Ultimately she agreed not to give this a try. I did all this while I myself liked this girl a lot, but had to sacrifice my happiness and desires for my parents' wishes and her safety. I never tried to take advantage of her during these 1.5 months.

After this she kept on meeting as friends for the next 7 months. We used to meet around once or twice every week. During this period I encouraged her for a relationship with an old friend and also introduced her to one of my Filipino friends as I saw long term potential there. I would have been happy to see her with someone who would take care of her for life.

During these 7 months, I also figured out that casual dating was very normal for her. She used to date multiple guys simultaneously and I started regretting the fact that I didn't date her for a couple of months initially. It wouldn't have been a big deal for her given her past. And it would have made me happy since I always found her extremely adorable and had a strong desire to love her, not in a dirty way, but in a loving way.

Towards the end of these 7 months, she once visited NY and expressed to me her interest in a guy she met there. She told me that she was only interested in sleeping with him. She also planned a month long trip to Philippines and told me that she will have 'fun' with an old friend while she is there. For some reason, these things started haunting me and I started losing sleep. I started regretting not spending some good time with her initially as sleeping with someone was not a big deal to her at all. And I never even tried to kiss her. So I finally decided to break this friendship. I called her to meet for one last time, but she didn't show up. This made me somewhat angry and I was a little rude to her the next day we met. She told me that a guy from her store (where she works) was stalking her and she went out with him to tell him that she is not interested in him. That guy was fired from the store for stealing and had been to jail several times in the past.

Once I broke off our friendship, she went to this guy for support. She dated him for the 2 weeks she had before going to Philippines. On the last day she told him that she won't meet him ever again. Apparently he had fallen in love and wanted to continue this relationship. So he tried to make her pregnant by deceiving her and didn't tell her until the next day. She had to visit a hospital, but got it all fixed. (She told me all this later)

But I went into depression right after I broke off our friendship. I realized how much I loved her and regretted not giving it a chance initially. So I contacted her again and expressed my love and desire to go against my culture for her. She rejected me and said she will send me a message next day when she will reach Philippines. I heard from her only after 2 weeks when she told me that the way I initially rejected her without giving her a chance was very hurtful to her and she had decided not to give me a chance ever again. She also said that she has grown mistrust for men after the guy from her store tried to make her pregnant and thus she won't date anyone for a long time. (This turned out to be a lie as she got into a relationship with in a week of reaching Philippines. She later admitted to lying saying that she did it so that I won't feel bad. She said he loves her a lot and she is going to throw away this life of sleeping around with men)

Now, after all this, I have this feeling of regret of not exploring this relationship in the very beginning. I loved her a lot from the very beginning, found her so adorable that whenever I saw her, I wanted to hug her and kiss her. But I never tried to get physically close to her, fearing that this will strengthen her attachment to me and she will be hurt when I will have to break up due to parental pressure. Everything I did from the very first day was for her happiness and I suppressed my feelings for 9 months. But she went and slept with a criminal right after that and also had other plans to sleep with friends. All these thoughts of her sleeping around with men just for pleasure makes me insane, specially because I never got that love from her. I had no problems with her being in a serious long-term relationship with anyone. I know that its her life and we were not dating, so she can do whatever she wants, but for some reason these thoughts are extremely painful to me.

It has been over a month that I am dealing with this and it is very hard to eat, sleep or work.

I need help in justifying my actions and making my mind believe that whatever I did was the correct decision for myself.

Thanks in advance for help
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:34 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 68,300,477 times
Reputation: 22469
It was the wise thing to do b/c even tho you could have had a sexual relationship with her, this was never going to lead anywhere except to a lot of pain in the end. If you had gotten sexually involved with her, it would have been even worse to have left her and as you said . . . your parents would never have agreed to this relationship.

Since it appears your parents are only going to approve of someone who meets specific criteria (culturally, ethnically) . . . you probably would have more chance of happiness if you found someone who does fit into their expectations. Easier said than done, I am sure . . . but you don't sound like the type of guy who can "love 'em and leave 'em." That is something to be commended for- but it means you are very vulnerable to getting involved with someone and then having to break it off.

Your sadness is not even so much about this particular relationship. I am thinking that the sadness is from facing that your life will be a series of broken off relationships, b/c of your parent's disapproval. You are sad b/c you feel you are not in control of the choices for your emotional attachments. It has set up a huge conflict.

Do your parents have someone in mind they want you to marry?
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:37 AM
 
Location: Harrisonburg, VA
994 posts, read 1,495,961 times
Reputation: 1207
Why do you let your parents control you? Are you still a child?
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:39 AM
 
734 posts, read 1,501,316 times
Reputation: 870
How I justify all my "regrets" (let's call them bad decisions instead): I made the best decision possible under the circumstances, and I wouldn't have known better back then.
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:47 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 68,300,477 times
Reputation: 22469
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetlilac View Post
How I justify all my "regrets" (let's call them bad decisions instead): I made the best decision possible under the circumstances, and I wouldn't have known better back then.
Very wise, indeed.
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:48 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 68,300,477 times
Reputation: 22469
Quote:
Originally Posted by penguin_kernel View Post
Why do you let your parents control you? Are you still a child?
I suspect the culture he is from is very different than yours and mine, as far as what is expected to show respect for your parents and to honor your family.
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:48 AM
 
25 posts, read 36,183 times
Reputation: 17
Its not like I cannot fight my parents, its just that I want them to be happy. And they will be happy if they find someone through an arranged marriage. They don't have anyone in mind right now for me.

However, after seeing my condition after this entire episode, they have given me complete freedom. They said they will be ok with anyone I chose myself, just don't suppress your emotions and play with your life.

What I am scared of now is that whether this feeling of regret will ever get out of my mind. Initially I was afraid that getting closer to her physically might hurt her more in the end, but now I know that casual physical relationships are not a big deal for her at all. and seeing her getting involved physically with other men, while I am still in deep love with her, was getting extremely painful. We were best friends and she used to share everything with me.
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:49 AM
 
734 posts, read 1,501,316 times
Reputation: 870
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Very wise, indeed.
Thank you, I very much liked your advice too, but couldn't give reputation because I have to "spread them around" before giving it to you again.
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:52 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 68,300,477 times
Reputation: 22469
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sid11 View Post
Its not like I cannot fight my parents, its just that I want them to be happy. And they will be happy if they find someone through an arranged marriage. They don't have anyone in mind right now for me.

However, after seeing my condition after this entire episode, they have given me complete freedom. They said they will be ok with anyone I chose myself, just don't suppress your emotions and play with your life.

What I am scared of now is that whether this feeling of regret will ever get out of my mind. Initially I was afraid that getting closer to her physically might hurt her more in the end, but now I know that casual physical relationships are not a big deal for her at all. and seeing her getting involved physically with other men, while I am still in deep love with her, was getting extremely painful. We were best friends and she used to share everything with me.
Perhaps putting this all in perspective (with some time) will help you see that it was a learning experience for you.

Right now, it is too raw and painful to see it that way.

Your parents learned something, too. They are obviously very concerned for your happiness to have told you they will be alright with anyone you choose for yourself.

You are feeling that you will never meet anyone you can feel this close to again, but you are young. You will meet other people. That isn't much consolation now, I know.
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Old 12-30-2011, 06:05 AM
 
25 posts, read 36,183 times
Reputation: 17
One more thing, I also feel somewhat used during the course of our friendship. Till the last day we met, she kept telling me that she is still in love with me, and I think in the back of my mind I had this feeling that if I want someday, I can give this relationship a try.

But when she rejected me finally, she said she was just saying it and didn't mean it. It took her some time to detach from me, but once she did, she had no feelings for me. If I knew this earlier, I would also have tried to detach myself from her. We used to meet very frequently and I would take her out to dinners and movies, where I was always happy to pay for her (because I know she doesn't make much money). I would even wake up and run to meet her at midnight whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on in times of distress. If I had known that she did not have any feelings for me anymore, I would have made an effort to detach myself from her. But it seems like she deceived me. Maybe she had some anger from initial rejection, which I don't think she ever had to face because she is extremely gorgeous.
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