A new day has dawned. I am free! (divorces, stalk, brother)
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about disengaging. I have heard you all speaking of it all along.
Why does it take some people so long? I know I am not where I am intended to finally be, but I feel that I have gotten where I am rather quickly in spite of it all.
Was I just over it? Was it my will not to be mistreated? For my kids not to be mistreated?
Where is the love started on about july 8 I think. Now, for about maybe two months or less, I had a feeling that this had to end, something had to give.
I knew something had to change, but nothing was happening. I started walking. I started becoming healthy. Things were changing with me, and when that happened, other things opened up. I think it was divine power, truly I do.
But for the sake of the non believer, what was it? I was not in a love-less marriage. I did not SEE what he was doing, I did not want to see it, but I felt it. I loved him more than the world.
But one day, that was it. And then, especially after what he and his mother did, there was no going back,ever. Not ever.
When I see him, I dont feel hatrid. I dont know what I feel. I dont feel love, like I am in love with this man. There is a feeling there, however. There is a bond. It has got to be the kids. .
Sometimes when I look at him, he still gives off that arrogant I am better than you look. Whenever I see that, Oh I know I have done the right thing, I know anyways.....but that awful look.
Yes, I hate the THINGS he has done. But i cannot hate him. I did get to a point where I thought I really and truly hated him not long ago.
I had to remember that the Lord had not put it in my heart to hate. Ok, so I will dislike him....
What am I rambling on about anyway?
Disengaging. Is this what I am doing?
My son isn't able to pronounce whatever correctly, and the way he says it sounds like this...
I think when you stay in a messed up situation it does'nt feel good but it feels normal and everyones normal is differant. So as to why some people take so long...well good does'nt always feel normal.
You don't have to tell but do you wake up and do sort of a daily affirmation, just curious.
Robyn, yes, I think you Are learning to disengage. You've lived in a world of conflict, misery and fear for a long time, and now, thanks to God (yes, I too think it is a Divine intervention...) you are able to see the realities of life with tjib and that he is a classic abuser.
I think for a long time you just did whatever you could to get from moment to moment.
And now you know there is another way to live...actually it is the way you knew was there at the start, but something happened and things were not right. You couldn't know at the beginning that tjib was twisted in his mind and heart. And it's classic that we as women start believing if we would just try harder, be more patient, have more understanding, etc & etc, that things would work. That's actually the line that's being fed us by the unhealthy one, who has not learned to take responsibility for his own 'stuff.'
LOL, who's rambling now
As is always said, it's a process of learning and living. Others on this board can say it much better than I....all I know is that I have lived through a similar time and was, thank God, able to come out the other side. And through all the fear, sorrow, mess and anguish, my beloved daughter was able to come through, to grow into the person she was meant to be in an atmosphere of emotional health and safety, love and respect. LOL not saying I didn't make a bunch of mistakes, because I sure did. But my dau. came through those, too!
Aren't we all works in progress
Last edited by Macrina; 09-28-2007 at 04:36 PM..
Reason: for clarity..
I think when you stay in a messed up situation it does'nt feel good but it feels normal and everyones normal is differant. So as to why some people take so long...well good does'nt always feel normal.
You don't have to tell but do you wake up and do sort of a daily affirmation, just curious.
When I wake up I feel everything is right. When I go to sleep I do not feel alone.
I wake up and feel good, even if I feel bad. I feel free. I go about the same routine I have gone about for many years, only now, in a different house, and without a bad feeling in my heart.
I wake up alive. I dont wake up and question if I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing. The right thing I did, I feel it in my heart, in my soul, in my very being.
At night, I go through the house, and turn off all of the lights, and turn on the porch lights, front and back, lock the doors, hug and kiss my children and let them know how much i love them and all is right in the world.
It all feels right. He is out of my picture, and before, when I knew what had to happen, I was feeling like...what am I going to do? how will I live? How will I afford it?
Weeks later, I said, how can I not do it. I knew. It had to be done...
Last edited by Pikantari; 09-28-2007 at 06:15 PM..
She said to me, maybe you guys just need a time out, you guys were such a couple. I said no. You know...outside Jim, and unfortunetly, i suippose for there to have been an outside him there had to be an outside me covering up for him. ;(
QUOTE]
You MUST write a book, Robyn. You have a gift and you have a story. And that should be shared with a wider audience. Do you realize how many tens of thousands of women it could impact? How many hundreds of thousands of children?
Now, if you can find the time to write a book, what with your job and the kids... then you must write a second book and tell us how you did it, because then you will have an audience of millions!
I am going to be thinking of you as I do my laundry tomorrow. Thinking of you doing the same thing and finding the joy in it. You make me realize how greatful I need to be about things I have come to take for granted and dread.
Hugs and prayers sent your way. You rock!
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It's a process, not an overnight thing, and you're doing great. 
)
This makes me ask/wonder
