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Old 10-04-2007, 06:26 AM
 
Location: NE Florida
17,833 posts, read 33,011,427 times
Reputation: 43378

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Quote:
Originally Posted by cinderobyn View Post
A accuses me of trying to have ammunition against his father. I tell them it is hard for all of us, for me and daddy as well.
I will bet $100 that this phrase came directly from ib

I would add this to the journal it sounds like he is filling the kids minds with these kind of statements.

It does sound as if you and the kids need some "fun time" together
I would "suggest" to jim that you trade a weekend for a week night so that you and the kids could have a weekend I am sure he is doing everything he can with the no homework type things he claims shouldn't have to be during "dads time" to try to reinforce in their minds the "see how much better it is here" .
Knowing that he would have to get the homework done and the kids dressed.fed and to school the next morning would be a wake up call.
When he "claims" he can't remind him that you are both the parents and co-parenting is sharing the responsibilities.
Again his responses and behavior will just build your case for a higher custody %
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Old 10-04-2007, 06:30 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,432 posts, read 34,220,846 times
Reputation: 19814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Karla with a K View Post
I will bet $100 that this phrase came directly from ib

I would add this to the journal it sounds like he is filling the kids minds with these kind of statements.

It does sound as if you and the kids need some "fun time" together
I would "suggest" to jim that you trade a weekend for a week night so that you and the kids could have a weekend I am sure he is doing everything he can with the no homework type things he claims shouldn't have to be during "dads time" to try to reinforce in their minds the "see how much better it is here" .
Knowing that he would have to get the homework done and the kids dressed.fed and to school the next morning would be a wake up call.
When he "claims" he can't remind him that you are both the parents and co-parenting is sharing the responsibilities.
Again his responses and behavior will just build your case for a higher custody %

Ya know, Karla, I was so in the momment with the kids, I didn't see it that way, but why else would he have said that? I dont have 100 tho. It sounds JUST LIKE something ib would say. DA. hmph

I have to get ready for work...hugs 2 u
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Old 10-04-2007, 06:50 AM
 
Location: Back in NYS
2,489 posts, read 8,152,711 times
Reputation: 2130
Good morning Robyn - I dunno, to me it sounds like Alexander is "parroting" what he has heard his father say on the weekends he is with them. Especially here: A accuses me of trying to have ammunition against his father. That's a typical TJ move.

This may sound harsh, but I think if I were in your shoes, I would insist both kids see either a couselor or a therapist for while - whether they want to or not. I think they will be resistant at first, but once they start, I think it will help them. From reading what goes on once the kids are back with you, I think TJ is manipulating them during the time he has them - if you say something, it won't hold as much water as a counselor/therapist saying it will.

Now is when you need to set the boundaries with the kids as to what is acceptable in your home - I'll be honest - Alexander's reactions each week concern me. I know he is feeling conflicted and is upset that you and TJ are living apart and I know he's a teenager with his hormones coming in full force, but he needs to find ways to channel his anger and frustration - right now (again from reading what you've written) - he's dealing with his anger and frustration the same way TJ does. While it's understandable, it's not the right way to do it - a counselor or therapist would be able to help him to channel all the negatives he feels in a more positive direction. It does sound like the kids hold everything in while they are with TJ and do feel comfortable letting off the steam with you - but even that letting off steam needs to be channeled constructively, if that makes any sense?

Like others have said, I think you and the kids need some "fun time" for yourselves. I would tell TJ that this weekend it is time for you and the kids to be together without the pressures of work/school and you will be keeping them this weekend. You will not be violating any court order by doing this (you don't have one yet) - you will only be "violating" an agreement you and TJ put together that he seems to use when it's convenient for him, so it's not a violation of anything. If nothing else, it will allow you three to have some "down time" and I'd bet Monday will be a breeze when they have not spent the weekend with TJ.....something else for you to document.

I know, once again I've rambled, sort of thinking out loud. As always, it's up to you to decide what you want to do, but please think seriously at least about counseling for the kids as they go through this transition period - they do not understand it all and an impartial third party would help with that.

Now I'll shut up <g>
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Old 10-04-2007, 07:20 AM
 
788 posts, read 2,106,005 times
Reputation: 598
I want to second Windchimes and say that you need to keep the kids the whole weekend.
But this am - don't freak out - honestly - it's normal teenage stuff. You are seeing kids being able to express themselves without fear. I am not saying it is okay for it to happen and yes you need to find a way to deal with it. (When my older ones - 12 & 16 fight in the am I make them go to bed 1/2 hour early - "because when you act like babies and freak out and disrespect your family and our home - you must be exhausted - so go to bed early and get some extra rest."
I wouldn't worry so much about it - it's a really hard time. You can make A go to the counselor - and maybe you should just to show who's the boss - but you can't make him talk. But is does sound like he needs to and I bet he will - he needs to talk to someone other than his mom and dad. Have the counselor remind him - in front of you - that she can't tell you anything he says unless he gives her permission OR someone is hurting him or he's going to hurt someone else.
It does sound like IB is filling his head and yes document it (I use a calendar that I write EVERYTHING on - our whole family schedule - just to show the big picture and all that goes on in our home). You can sit your children down - not together - and tell them that you are sorry that they are caught in the middle and that no matter what you realize they are going to feel like that. Tell them you've read books on how to make the situation better for them. Tell them that you don't want to say bad things about their father - that it's your decision to do what is best for them. But I would also remind them that it is okay to be angry with you and that you even understand - but that you don't talk badly about their father to them - but their father does it to you and that is not fair. Tell them that they are smart and you know they understand probably more than you realize - but that you have to do what is right - it is your responsibility as the parent - God gave you the job to protect them.
Even though they may know it all and you may have said it all before - they need to keep hearing it.
Think of this - what if A is scared that they will have to live with IB. Imagine the crap that he is saying to them....but A is afraid to tell you cause then his father will be angry....
Make sure A knows that they aren't going anywhere....

One day at a time - don't let it get you down!
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Old 10-04-2007, 07:26 AM
 
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 8,808,247 times
Reputation: 2263
Robyn, Don't give A the choice about counseling. You're the mom and from what you are saying, the kids need it, you need it and it will serve to provide documentation for your custody case.

He may be unhappy but at least a professional will be able to extract why he won't talk and if indeed he brings up "ammunition" that will be duly noted.

Be the mom - as unpopular as your choices may be to both of them, you have to give them what they need- and it sounds like counseling may be in order right now.

And consider keeping them for the day on Saturday- let IB have them for the day Sunday. But take a day off and have fun with then. That jerk is getting all the good stuff and you're getting all the work. That's not fair to any of you.
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Old 10-04-2007, 08:00 AM
 
Location: NE Florida
17,833 posts, read 33,011,427 times
Reputation: 43378
again really good advise from everyone
gold stars have been flying

this says it all in a nutshell

"But take a day off and have fun with then. That jerk is getting all the good stuff and you're getting all the work. That's not fair to any of you."

robyn they are going to test you
I was a child of divorce and trust me I did my share of testing.

Back then they didn't have the counseling that is available today. I agree that it is something that will help everyone. I know it would of helps us kids when we were going through the 7 years of back and forth separation until my parents finally realized divorce was the only option.
I look back and sadly remember the bad times more than the good times.
karla
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Old 10-04-2007, 08:27 AM
 
Location: SE Florida
9,367 posts, read 25,129,337 times
Reputation: 9449
If they could stay with IB from Thursday after school until Saturday early evening (6pm?), then you would have them to take them to church on Sunday, have a nice Sunday dinner, get them prepared for the week of school. You could also take them to a movie on Saturday evening if you wanted to. Or they could have a friend spend the night on Saturday night.

IMHO, the kids should be speaking to a counsleor under the best of circumstances. They have no impartial person to vent to. They must feel that they are walking on eggshells.

Right now A is acting out to you, parroting the way his father has been. Unless he learns another way to deal with his frustrations, his behavior will spill over to school. I have seen this with a good friend whose son is now 14.... he was 7 when I met them and he is becoming a mini version of his bullying father. When I go to visit, my son no longer wants to go because when the boy gets upset, he is so intense.

I agree with Pirate Girl. It isn't up to A to decide to go to counseling or not. And he will probably say, "Well I won't say anything." But, trust me, he will after a time or two if he sees someone good. I think I would be inclined to find a good male counselor. I did this with my son after my DH died and it gave my son the opportunity to open up. He didn't have to be strong for me, or worry how I would react to what he said. He could express his anger, his sadness, just let his feelings out. A divorce is like a death in many ways. The end of life as they know it. Many unknowns.

IMHO, an objective sounding board would be good for both kids....after all, they don't have C-D!
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Old 10-04-2007, 10:32 AM
 
Location: Mayacama Mtns in CA
14,520 posts, read 8,729,298 times
Reputation: 11356
Thumbs up Agreeing with the counseling suggestions....

Hi Robyn ~ continuing to think about you, and always wishing & praying for strength and wisdom for each day. ILTB said it: One Day at a Time...




The rest of you I could Rep, but:

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to HIF again.
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to windchimes03561 again.
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Old 10-04-2007, 11:27 AM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
12,169 posts, read 17,586,156 times
Reputation: 64102
House of Chimes needs to establish some rules. You are the loving but firm parent. Don't be afraid to discipline your children for fear they won't love you. Mommy is to be respected. Now more than ever, the children need structure. Kindly tell A. and L. what is, and is not acceptable in the House of Chimes. Your children just need to know the rules so they can abide by them accordingly.
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Old 10-04-2007, 01:29 PM
 
Location: California
11,466 posts, read 19,289,425 times
Reputation: 12712
Quote:
Originally Posted by zonababe View Post
House of Chimes needs to establish some rules. You are the loving but firm parent. Don't be afraid to discipline your children for fear they won't love you. Mommy is to be respected. Now more than ever, the children need structure. Kindly tell A. and L. what is, and is not acceptable in the House of Chimes. Your children just need to know the rules so they can abide by them accordingly.
I agree, and all three of you should talk to someone and get out those feelings.
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