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And someday you will believe in your heart that it was always his insecurity with himself that caused him to treat you that way. I am not excusing his behavior - it is still wrong - but once you understand you can let it go. I always need to understand before I can move on. When people feel really badly about themselves they push other people down so that they feel powerful. It is a really small man that stands on the shoulders of his wife and children to feel good about himself. He is still using the kids in that manner and he probably always will - he is still also using them to get to you. I guarantee that he thinks eventually you'll let him move in with you. It's going to get harder once he realizes how far you've grown past him.
If you are anything like me - you engage him because a part of you still wants things to be right - for him to wake up and be the person that you wanted him to be. It's normal - it's hard to turn your feelings off - just like kids wish that their parents would get back together - change is hard. But you have to ask yourself EVERYDAY - what are the consequences of not changing. You opened your eyes and began to see the consequences and you changed. But change is a long process and it hurts.
When I got rid of my TJ, I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't losing something I wanted to keep.
I did want a husband, but I wanted a husband who loved, respected and cherished me. I wanted a partner, a best friend, someone who would always have my back and put our family above all else.
The husband that I left and "disengaged from" was not and is still not the husband that I wanted.
Quite often, divorce is not the loss of someone you love. It's the loss of the dream you had that your spouse could be the person that you want them to be. And giving up on a dream is pretty sad.
So Robyn, remember something. You are not losing something you want to keep. You are not walking away from a man who loves and respects you. You are disengaging yourself from a relationship that is sick and making you codependent. You are teaching your children that in life it is unacceptable to settle for anything less than a loving and respectful relationship. You are teaching your children that emotional and physical abuse are NEVER to be settled for. You are doing all the right things.
Mourn the loss of the dream you had of a life with TJ..............but don't mourn the loss of him in your life because he is nowhere near good enough for you.
There's always going to be remants of what life there is left over from the marriage. That's the kids. And no matter how old they are, they will always have 2 parents that they have some relationship with and affection for, whether good or bad.
And even after they are grown up, as long as they have contact with both of you, both parties will hear about the other. And no one's memories are going to be erased. People will live with those memories forever.
The mission however is not to let them affect you negatively.
It's bound to happen as long as one party tries to blame the other.
Blame produces pain as far as I'm concerned.
Don't blame anyone for anything anymore, because we are all responsible for ourselves. Jim can't blame you, only himself. And sadly, you can't blame him either, because it's not his fault that God made him the way he is.
We all suffer for our respective sins, and hopefully the children will be lucky enough to escape emotional harm from the divorce, since they are old enough to understand the reasons, and they will still have their father involved in their life and helping them out financially. And you will always be their emotional rock.
So, from the objective standpoint, nothing has been lost. Only peace of mind has been gained, and only as long as you don't become bitter.
I've seen enough bitterness result from divorce, and it only consumes people if they allow it to happen.
That's the reason for the advice to disengage as much as possible, to detach the emotional heartstrings before they cause bitterness.
And cinderobyn, I do realize that you have a sincere attitude that enables you to bypass a lot of the emotional baggage that goes along with divorce. You're still young enough to be hopeful & optimistic about the future, and before long your kids will be grown up and you will have a new found freedom.
When Jim has the kids, enjoy your free time because you deserve it as a way to recharge yourself emotionally and physically.
Then as the kids grow older, you will reestablish your own personality and confidence, so that the healing can be more complete.
Heal cinderobyn, heal! Put Jim and all of his pettiness on the back burner. Look ahead and concentrate on the business of divorce, and treat the whole affair as if your were a professional business women, or a female M.D.. Remain above the fray of Jim's emotional rollercoaster, and don't be his dartboard. Just like when you received the check today, keep it all business and the heartaches will be minimal.
If he goes on about this or that, just drift off into space, or to your favorite future vacation spot, maybe laying back on an exotic beach somewhere and sipping some of your favorite concoctions.
Only then can you truely say that you've come a long way baby!
Now, I dont want control or power over him. I want things right.
Why do I engage in him? I dont know ;(
You've answered your own question. You want things right. You just haven't come to undestand that things will never be right with him. He doesn't have the ability or the desire. He is still the puppet boy of a very sick puppet master. Even on his best days. You know the good parts of him, so it's tough. So hard not to want things to be black or white. But they rarely are.
You think that there can be a positive co-parenting relationship. But there can't be. It can get better, but it will always be a sick relationship. One that you can learn to tolerate for the sake of the kids. But not until you reign in your boundaries and disengage. But that is something that will evolve. I'm sure it will take time. It's a process.
Have you started walking again? My old dog won't make it half a mile any more, so I have decided to walk without her around the lake each morning. I'll walk for you for bit until you get unpacked!
Oh, and about Sun's comment- why not plan a trip to Jax next spring? You can stay with us- my kids are the same age as yours and would love the company. You could use my place as a base and take the kids to Disney, we can go to the beach, hook up with Karla, have a ball!
I just wanted to pop into this thread and tell you, Cinderobyn, that I've been following your thread(s). You're an incredible woman; a real inspiration to so many women in difficult relationships. I couldn't offer you any advice that you aren't already getting from these amazing supporters of yours. I'm sure there are lots of other readers out here, like myself, who are cheering you on and wishing you the best. Just keep at it one day at a time.
You guys make me see and realize more and more things everyday....
I just talked to the kids to tell them goodnight and that I loved them. They spent the whole day there at his house, fixing the kitchen sink, and with the Landlady and a couple of workmen there til about 3.
I spoke w tjibda, because he forgot to give me the personal property tax bill for my car. Asked him to bring that tomorrow.
I will forget about it if it is not in my presence...eeek.
He asked me if I had talked to his landlady because she has decided that she is cutting 2 checks, one for me, and one for him. This is the security deposit from years ago when we first moved in that i payed her.
He asked me if I have been talking to her and asking for this. NOPE>
She is making him sign a whole new lease, and pay a whole new deposit, and he thinks that the check she gives me should go to him.
I told him I had not talked to her other than needing a letter stating I am not resp for the lease or payments on it, about 2 weeks ago.
I said thats her business if thats how she plans to deal with her lease, etc, I have nothing to do w it. I just need that letter from me, and if she is cutting me a check, I will gladly take it, since I paid the whole thing.
He said the only reason I was able to pay it is because he was paying everything else. We had just come out of the hell hole of that scary place, and I had just bought him a truck with cash and was able to pay for the sec dep, I still have the reciept.
Money fr my Moms estate came through and we were able to come out of that horrid place.
I think its funny, that he thinks I am talking with her. When do I have time to do that? GEEZ! He complained that he had no time with the kids and no way to entertain them.
I reminded him that I want the kids for festival next week, still he says Sunday only, I say no. So, it will be a split weekend, he will get them on Sunday and I will take the kids Fri night and Saturday.
he wanted to stay on the phone all night and just talk, I told him to give the kids hugs and kisses, gotta go.
Anything to keep me talking, switching from one thing to the next. I just wanted to have him bring my tax bill. Also about having the kids next weekend.
He asked if I was going to church tomorrow, I asked if he was, he said yes, but thinking of going to the Methodist church down the way from his house.
~~~~~~~~~
Everyone of you have such great input on all of this.... you help me each step of the way, and I would probably not have made it this far as easily as I think that I probably have.
I just wanted to pop into this thread and tell you, Cinderobyn, that I've been following your thread(s). You're an incredible woman; a real inspiration to so many women in difficult relationships. I couldn't offer you any advice that you aren't already getting from these amazing supporters of yours. I'm sure there are lots of other readers out here, like myself, who are cheering you on and wishing you the best. Just keep at it one day at a time.
You've answered your own question. You want things right. You just haven't come to undestand that things will never be right with him. He doesn't have the ability or the desire. He is still the puppet boy of a very sick puppet master. Even on his best days. You know the good parts of him, so it's tough. So hard not to want things to be black or white. But they rarely are.
You think that there can be a positive co-parenting relationship. But there can't be. It can get better, but it will always be a sick relationship. One that you can learn to tolerate for the sake of the kids. But not until you reign in your boundaries and disengage. But that is something that will evolve. I'm sure it will take time. It's a process.
Have you started walking again? My old dog won't make it half a mile any more, so I have decided to walk without her around the lake each morning. I'll walk for you for bit until you get unpacked!
Oh, and about Sun's comment- why not plan a trip to Jax next spring? You can stay with us- my kids are the same age as yours and would love the company. You could use my place as a base and take the kids to Disney, we can go to the beach, hook up with Karla, have a ball!
I have never been on vacation in my life! That would be cause for some much saved up money...lol
Walking, only once a week....yikes.
I do want things right, but I suppose if they were right, I wouldn't be in this situation. I guess they will never be right, as they should, or as I wish they could be.
One day, my situation will be how it should be, I have come a ways from where I was. I was idle for a while, I know. But I have come a ways...and I have a way to go..... I'll get there, one day.
I sat here today adding up the time that I spend with the kids during the week as opposed to his time every weekend, and really, he sees more of them that I do.
He asked me if I had talked to his landlady because she has decided that she is cutting 2 checks, one for me, and one for him.
Rep points for the landlady! Red reps for her sexism- okay to rent to a single person if they possess a p#n!s, I guess. But that turned out to be a blessing, too, as now you are in the House of Chimes.
Hey, how about you find out about getting a spot at the Mandarin art festival to sell your jewelry...it's one of the best festivals in FL and will be held over Easter weekend next year. When & Where
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