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Yes, it is very painful to lose someone you are in love with; and I am sorry for your pain.
You will always carry the memory of her with you; however, it does not have to be painful, and as hard as it is to believe right now, the pain will lessen and eventually you will no longer feel any pain when you think of her.
Fortunately, you have moved to another area which is the best thing that could have happened so that you won't end up seeing her around town, or be tempted to drive by her house or place of work. Not having any contact with her is the next step. Any contact at all is only going to add to your pain and the time it takes to heal.
I know you want to keep communicating with her, but for your own sake you must end that immediately. One final communication to wish her well is all that is needed....and that means not a lengthy letter about the two of you and your feelings because that will only guarantee that your pain would increase and linger.
Once you send that last email, then block her email address so that you will not read anymore of her letters to you (and believe me, she will continue to want to have contact with you no matter what she says about wanting to make her marriage work...you are an emotional fix for her right now and that's the last thing you need). I'm not saying she doesn't care for you...but that is a no-win situation and a dead-end street, and for you to be able to move on, you must break off any communication with her.
I know this will be extremely difficult, but the next step is to delete ALL emails you have sent to her and vice versa. No, that is not cruel and it would not mean that you never cared....but you must get those emails deleted to avoid the temptation to read them over and over again.
If you have a wound and it begins to heal, you wouldn't keep reinjuriing it because then it would never heal. And it's the same with a broken heart...the longer you keep opening up that wound, the longer it will take to heal.
Right now, the last thing you need is to be concerned about is falling in love with someone else. You are not ready for a new relationship yet because that new person would just be an emotional bridge and your thoughts would still be with the married woman...you'd keep making mental comparisons, etc., and the new person deserves you 100%.
And...most importantly....you deserve 100%. You deserve the whole loaf, not just the crumbs. And anytime anyone is in an affair...or with someone who has not gotten completely over a past relationship, that is all they receive.
Make new friends in your new town and keep yourself active. The worst thing is to have too much idle time that will only serve to draw you back into the pain of missing her. Sure, I realize that there will be songs, movies, etc., that will immediately make you think of her, and yes it will be sad. But make peace with the sadness and let the progress of grieving take place so that you can work through it and move on. If you don't grieve as you should, you will only bury the issue and trust me, it will resurface and demand your attention.
Time does heal, and again, right now I understand it seems impossible - but it is true. Time and distance...and NO contact. She may even try to call you (more probable than possible) and if you talk to her you will be tempted to continue to have contact with her and more than likely make arrangements to see her again. Don't do it! If you weakened and did see her, etc., it would only be temporary and whatever healing had already begun for you would be null and void and you'd have to start all over again from square one.
Again, I am very sorry for your pain, but there is hope and you will make it!! You will move on and you will meet the woman who is meant to be with you.
I believe the fact that you "can't" have her makes you want her all the more.....
I think the best way to move on, is not by running into someone else's arms...but for a period in time to self evaluate...try to understand why you got involved in an affair in the first place. If you were married, how would you feel if your wife did that to you and the kids...you need time, to think about this....not whine b/c it's over, but to actually realize why the you, got involved in something so demeaning and unhealthy in the first place. Was it the challenge of winning....? How could you share your emotional self/that deepest part of you, with a woman who was not only taken, but also sharing herself with her husband...
You see, when we've been with someone for a long time, the lust goes....and maturity and constant change takes over...therefore....do the math....
Katie 45 offered some very good points as well...so read it over and over again...and try....but by all means, do not jump from one relationship to another, until you know who you are and what you want. I think the best way to do that, is to do things with you....and I'm not kidding...get into reading, take a book with you and go out to dinner....alone...plan a vacation...something you've always wanted to do, and go alone...go to festivals and walk around, museums, and do more for yourself alone...things that you wouldn't do for you if you'd be with someone...take that time now, to branch out and experience life....
It never ceases to amaze me why we are so obsessed with hooking up with someone and living their idea of what life should be, before we even know life...and our own needs, wants and desires.
You have to break any contact with her and forget it, she wants to fix her relationship with her husband and you have to let her. It may not be an easy thing to do but thats the right thing to do.
This is exactly what I would say too. Cut off all contact. Any contact at all via e-mail or whatever will hinder your recovery process. As Roaddog said, this will not be easy but it is necessary.
This may seem like a cliche, but try to involved in other things in your life and when thoughts arise of this woman, turn your attention elsewhere. For awhile, you may feel like you are breaking an addiction and in a sense, it is really like that, but in time it will get easier.
Actually, I just went back and read Katie and creme and other's advice to you. It seemed all very good. Especially Katie's was very detailed and helpful I thought.
Breakups, regardless of the circumstance: divorce, affairs, etc etc,hurt and are hard to get over. My ex bailed on me 20 days before our wedding, after I resigned a very good job and moved my apartment on the promise of marriage. Even after all that I was STILL talking to him and listening to his toxic musings about how we could "work it out." Contact kept me emotionally stuck and it was reflecting in my life, my decision making---everything. The best thing I did was cut all contact, rid myself of any physical reminders, including emails, erasing and blocking numbers, email addresses, and just moving forward.
I focus on myself and have come to realize that marriage with this guy would have been a disaster. But I coudln't see it until I had the time and space. It will hurt, don't get me wrong. It's been 7 months and although I have a great job now, a new place to live and I am doing things I love, I still have thoughts and down days, but they don't paralize me. Breaking up brought me to a crossroads I am still working through. It makes you reevaluate your life, your goals, and make some serious changes, but more than likely they were changes that needed to be made inorder to promote growth.
I second what most posters have said: NO CONTACT and move on.
And...it seems if an individual leaves a spouse for another...that individual will also leave you in the end. I've seen it a dozen times. It's just bad juju to go messin with a married person. If she decides to end her marriage and look you up fine...but do not persue her to the point of her leaving him. It will only backfire on you dude.
I totally second Rance. I knew a woman who was having an affair with a married man. His wife was dying of cancer. Once she passed on, the woman and man married. I always wondered why you would marry someone who was cheating on his/her spouse. Surprise, surprise, 4 years later, they divorced because he was caught cheating with his secretary. The character you date is the character you marry.
Sounds like some of us have been through this same situation.
You took the first step already and moved far away. That helps.
Cut the online emails, phone sex and whatever else. Don't have any contact at all and after awhile, she will be just a memory. The other thing to do is go out and do things and meet other people.
To all the new posts since my last thankyou, they are also equally insightful and very helpful.
Yep, breaking contact and keeping busy is the best thing to do, and after reading confirmation of this I feel it will be easier. As to the reasons behind my/our behaviour...well, that will take time to figure out. Looking back now, I just wasn't thinking objectively, just feeling, like a force of nature and going with it, foolishly, my heart creating naive delusions about a future together. All the cliches about love became true at the time, and the cliches about fools in love are appearing to me now. I feel like life's feeding me a fistfull of lessons, straight down the throat, but I obviously needed them otherwise I wouldn't in this position in the first place.
I want to thank you all for giving your time to write, and believe me, you have all helped.
To all the new posts since my last thankyou, they are also equally insightful and very helpful.
Yep, breaking contact and keeping busy is the best thing to do, and after reading confirmation of this I feel it will be easier. As to the reasons behind my/our behaviour...well, that will take time to figure out. Looking back now, I just wasn't thinking objectively, just feeling, like a force of nature and going with it, foolishly, my heart creating naive delusions about a future together. All the cliches about love became true at the time, and the cliches about fools in love are appearing to me now. I feel like life's feeding me a fistfull of lessons, straight down the throat, but I obviously needed them otherwise I wouldn't in this position in the first place.
I want to thank you all for giving your time to write, and believe me, you have all helped.
Love is trust and fidelity to self...if you do not possess morals and value of self, you will never have it for anyone else...if you cheat with someone else's spouse, how could you ever forgive yourself? How could you trust that person to not do so against you someday? And yes, life is full of lesson's, if we only learn from them and not do them again...I think, you must recognize, that what you did was very wrong...think about how you would like it if someone did it to you? I wouldn't trust anyone who not only cheats on their spouse, but also, someone who cheats with a married person? So, best to self explore and look back at your upbringing...your life influences, and find out who you are, and what you can change to better yourself. Forget about her...actually, in my book you're very lucky this didn't pan out...go forward doing things by yourself or with male friends, and forget about women for a while...learn to control that who of you...learn self respect and morals....and most of all, learn to love who you are, your wants, desires....then, when you pick a mate, you will learn to look for some who is compatible with your mind, rather then the physical self. And trust me, once you have someone in your life, who is mentally compatible, making love is absolutely spiritual...so, take the time to know who you are and mature, learn to enjoy the company you keep, when your alone...and be good to you...be in love with life and experiences....and when you learn to be by yourself...you will begin to feel what I mean...it is a feeling unlike anything you ever experienced...all of a sudden, you realize, you've come home.
I have just been in kind of the reverse situation . I am married but very unfulfilled . A woman I knew as a friend for years slowly started to want to spend time with me , then after a bit started to want me physically and emotionally . Me being a fool and her being devastatingly beautiful ( yet very emotionally injured in ife ),things happened between us for a bit and then she was in love , loved everything about me and wanted to be with me . Me again being a fool , let myself believe it and fell hard for her , she seemed to be everything I have ever wanted in a woman and partner and I never felt so alive with anyone before . So after spending four or five months together every chance we could and her asking me to marry her and run away with her and such . She needs some space , but please don't get discouraged , it's just space to think and sort out her head. Then comes back and professes love and devotion and things are good for a bit again . Then more space , just as I decide to get over it and move on , back again with 'please don't go , I love you more than anyone I've ever known' Of course I am now a bit more hesitant , but still totally enraptured . Then more space , as I think once again of leaving , 'please don't shut down your emotions , I love you sooo much and want you in my life' Now I say I am the one who needs space to clear my head and heart of my feelings for her , but I still want to be with her the way it has been . She becomes very angry and says I am a jerk for wanting to 'walk away and cut her out ' and then doesn't want to be with me or even be friends anymore . I have always been very good at 'fixing ' damaged women and making them feel better about themselves and stonger to get through life , it's kind of a curse I think . So , now that it's over , even though I know inside that I deserve to hurt and feel bad , and I know that the person I fell in love with was obviously not the real her , I can't stop thinking of how it was and physicaly aching for her with my heart and soul . Just a fool , I know ,but how many of us have never been one ? Just thought I'd tell my story here after googling 'how to forget her and move on '
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