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I have always been very good at 'fixing ' damaged women and making them feel better about themselves and stronger to get through life . . .
This magical power of yours could come in handy - maybe you'll be able to help your wife recover after she finds out about your affair and her heart is broken?
Listen sweetheart, you sound like a complete wimp. Poor unfulfilled you, flip flopping back and forth over whether to leave for your lover or not. If your marriage is that crappy and you aren't fulfilled in your marriage, either get counselling or leave - without someone waiting in the wings to take over the wife role for you. Your wife deserves a full man, not someone who is involved (either physically or just in his head) with someone else.
I found myself registering to mostly say "thank you" to those of you who've posted above. Especially to "messed up" and "foolish dreamer." I've been searching the last month or so for something to address my situation without much success. I guess it should come as no surprise that most of the info out there addresses how a husband/wife can repair a marriage damaged by an affair - not advice for the "other guy" who the married wife was seeing. Long story short, she had a letter from me in her purse (to shred) and her husband found it, confronted her with it...and called me. The affair has been emotional since we met more than 14 yrs ago...she was married for just shy of two yrs and I was set to be married that fall. It became physical four yrs ago after my marriage of 11 yrs fell apart. Neither of us were the "type" to have or seek an affair, but somehow we saw this as special and different. She has a daughter off 10 yrs and was commited to staying in her relationship until her daughter was at least 16, and I supported that decision - I was willing to wait. Cutting to the end, when our relationship was uncovered, an edited version was the storyline reads like this: I took on the role of "a best friend who she slept with one time in a weak moment and regreted it, and now I have taken the meaning of it too far." This has preserved their family - I did not want be part of the reason for breaking it up and willingly took that bullet - and they are re-building. Today, she has obviously read or been told by a therapist that the strict "no contact" rule must apply if she is to make her marriage work and keep her relationship with her daughter as is. Where that leaves me is brokenhearted and forever the crazy/bad guy in the story. Over the past four months, I have plunged into mostly-physical relationships with three women and a couple more I've gone out with who have made it clear that "friends with benefits" is fine with them...I basically have become a booti-call guy post-relationship in an attempt to fill that space and distract me from the hurt. (WTF re: the attraction in the signal I'm putting out?) All I want to do is make the hurt and disappointment go away, but I'm not to the point where I have closed her out. I've boxed all the stuff up, but the box in reachable on the shelf. I've deleted the e-mails, but not those two special ones. I think/hope what you guys have said here will give me strength to take the next steps. I don't feel alone in this hurt anymore - thanks for that. Sorry to drone on, but it helped a lot to get some of it out. Thx.
To whom it may concern: to get through the toughest emotional times when moving on from a break up just squeeze your eyes shut and imagine a red STOP sign everytime thoughts of him/her arise. I know it sounds silly but it works!
This is my first post. I seem to know all the answers but stick stuck in some illusion over the attachment and bond we created. I let my MM go for good 12 years ago when he moved back to Florida after a two year on and off separation with his wife. One day overthe phone I said I'M done. I started to feel jeolous and no longer wanted to wait for a crumb of his time. I wanted something real and all mine. NOT lies. Well, two children later and a real marriage that I work on He rang my bellone night my husband was working late. My first instinct was happy. I wanted to run to him and let him know how much I missed his touch, comfort, support and beautiful eyes. I looked in the mirror saw myself 60 lbs heavier and felt, shaken, scared and a threat to my marriage. I firmly said "you got the wrong House" I pushed him away. My fear responded. It seems it made him persistent because he came back two days later in the afternoon. My gut told me something and I made sure not to be home. My husband answered. My husband said he said "Let me in and my name". My husband got dressed and by the time he went outside my MM fled in the car. Any way an overwhelming sadness hit me a month later when I found the number he had left for me. Apparently it had a 48 hour expiration time because I tried calling and someone told me I had the wrong number. Great Guy huh. He had the nerve to show up at 10:40 P.M. on a Friday for what exactly. Without a second thought to perhaps I might be married. Twelve years later like nothing. Anyway I play it in my head ...opening that door...saying what do you want/ I'm fine. Married now. The truth is anything about him hurts me. the way he said my name over the intercome melted my heart. How could I have opened the door. He's dangerous for me. I still wish I was more mature and able to face him . But I would rather look better and feel better incase I ever get another chance. I wake up and sleep almost in tears every night. Can't quite shake it off yet. My husband knows me and just says your mine and we have a good life. I hope I broke some pattern by not opening that door. I did not want to want him and I was afraid he would see me and not want me anymore. He did not want me enough ever anyway. Let's get real. He knew I would fall in love with him. Where to I put those feelings I have for him? I wish I felt nothing for him. I should have spoken to him over the intercome but was really cuaght by surprise.
Been in your shoes only different circumstances. You were in this for a short time, so it should not take as long to get over it as if you were involved for a lengthy time. The whole church, gym, activities thing did not work for me as I was in a long term relationship and felt out of place doing "group" stuff, but may work for you. The best think you could do (My opinion) is find a gal to do things with. A buddy once told me the best way to get over losing a woman is another woman. I agree. Good luck.
If she was as incredible as you say, she wouldn't be cheating on her husband and her marriage. Never put a person on a pedestal. Especially a pedestal as high as the one you put her on, because if you do, no other woman can compete. Move on. She's not that great of a catch
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