Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
my girlfriend's been drinking a lot, i have already told her if she doesn't stop drinking I will break up with her. I think I am afraid to lose that thing and I am addicted to her. any tips?
my girlfriend's been drinking a lot, i have already told her if she doesn't stop drinking I will break up with her. I think I am afraid to lose that thing and I am addicted to her. any tips?
You greatly decrease options once the ultimatum card is thrown.
my girlfriend's been drinking a lot, i have already told her if she doesn't stop drinking I will break up with her. I think I am afraid to lose that thing and I am addicted to her. any tips?
This sounds more like thread material, but if you 'force' her hand to quit drinking because you threatened her like that, several things will happen. She will continue to drink, just not in front of you or around you and you will end up spending less an less time together, or everytime you both have an arguement or something - she'll hit the bottle and blame you. You can't force someone else's behavior when it comes to addictions with threats. - THEY have to WANT to on their own. My take on it is either accept her the way she is or bail - don't even think you can fix it.
You greatly decrease options once the ultimatum card is thrown.
I agree here....only give her an ultimatum if you REALLY intend to break up with her.
If I'm threatened (and that IS what you are doing) I would not back down...if someone gives me an ultimatum I'll choose the option they are threatening just because they were stupid to do that in the first place. Not real mature but I would call you on your bluff, so you better mean what you say if you give her that ultimatum or it could backfire on you.
I think your best bet would be to talk to her about her drinking and how it's impacting her life and your lives together. Tell her you are concerned and you'll be supportive of her if/when she decides to quit. If this is something you are really not keen on dealing with, then make your exit from the relationship. No need for an ultimatum.
I agree with all three of the previous posters but there is one other thing you should understand. When someone quits the bottle or any other drug its because the thing happened that broke the camels back and they made the attempt to quit. The drug counselors call it hitting rock bottom and will tell you that its a different place for different people. It could be winding up in jail, losing a lifetime of work, etc. It might even be the possibility of losing someone they love. Some will never succeed and some will fail several times or possibly many before they break the chains. This may then last till their death or they may go back to it and it begins again. The only hope that your ultimatum works is that the very threat of your loss from her life is the thing that represents rock bottom for her. This is not likely to be true. As already stated no ultimatum is welcomed by the person receiving it and you should in no event make this ultimatum unless you are prepared to follow through whether you want to or not. My own experience says you may years from now be glad it was over sooner rather than later.
Repeating Thursdays thoughts but in different words even if she seems at face value to capitulate to this threat you face the real possibility or some would say certainty that this is not the end of it, it is the beginning of what the drug counselors call the dance and the games begin. My advice to you if you want to stay in this thing is to seek professional help from accredited counselors who work in this field. You both must attend. If you get anything from this remember this, the only hope you have is that she wants to shuck the monkey for herself. Otherwise it will not happen. Ever. I'm sorry.
I got involved in an experience like this with family members with respect to her prescription med addiction. It went on and on and all the infighting and people interfering with threats - it only made it worse and worse because every negative thing that was said was one more excuse to continue doing it.
It finally boiled down to the day I got a phone call from my relative, her husband, who had left her and told me to go over there and find his kid. I was standing on the porch and she was passed out on the sofa and I took my car keys and slit the corner of the screen door and reached in and unlocked the door I COULD HAVE BEEN ANYONE. She never woke up. I went upstairs and got the boy and we left and I took him to his dad. She was still out.
The third world war ensued after this. She called me screaming about where her kid was and her husband this her husband that. Both sides of the parents got involved and were blaming each other on how they raised their kids. It was an emotional bloodbath. One night, I finally went over there and her stepfather was there with the boy and I asked him if he could take him back to his house. At this point the grandparents were kidnapping the kid back and forth and not letting the other see him. That would be battle number two.
She and I sat down and talked at the table, calmly, no one else there. I listened to her and all the excuses and everything and said nothing - I just let her get it out. Then, finally, I decided to talk, not yell or accuse, but talk and I said, "I know your husband can be an a-hole, I've been related to him all my life and no one is disputing he needs a good talking to as well, but what you are doing is so far beyond that. Let's just say, for the sake of arguement, you and your husband get a divorce. Let's say you clean your act up and your marriage still falls apart. You need to realize you have a son who needs a mother and I'll be damned if I'd ever let either one of you and your husband's parents raise him. If you continue on the road you are on, you are looking at having your child taken from you and scheduled supervised visitations only, if you are lucky." That was the siren of rock bottom for her. I said, screw the marriage at this point and think about yourself and what kind of life you are looking at living.' I then told her and promised her that as long as she committed herself to a treatment program and took it seriously, I would personally make sure she would see her kid if I had to take him myself and would be there for support for whatever she needed. It boiled down to my saying, your son needs his mother. She did go in to an intreatment hospital program. And she also fell off track once after the program. But I told her as long as she was honest I would still be there to support her. She's been clean for years now and even went through the death of her brother and one of her children without turning to prescription meds. She's fine, but it wasn't easy.
In the course of this though I told her she had to tell her parents she had decided to this of her own free will and she had to turn the boy over to the father, because he is not abusive and if, god forbid, anything happen to the child, no one else but her husband can consent to anything medically. She can't hide him and put him in the middle of this. I won't lie, it's dramatic and it is exhausting to take on a task like this.
Last edited by Thursday007; 04-17-2012 at 09:18 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
