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Here goes...on my 3 year anniversary I proposed to my boyfriend. His reply? "can I think about it"?
What I heard was "I'm not sure your what I want"! Sicne then, a hundred thousand different things have run through my head as well.
Now, I am trying to be respectful, and patient, and not dwell on it, nor rush or push him...but I am literally dying inside.
We live together (for 8 months now), and our relationship is actaully pretty spectacular.
I am divorced with 2 kids. He has never been married, and of course, we both have worked through trusting one another, issues with kids, basic life stuff. He is SUCH a great guy..he treats me and the kids like we have never been treated, and I him as well.
In talking about marriage in general he did say he views marriage differently, becuase of me, my love and my supoprt for him. He has even said he does want to marry me...So I did it, hard to swallow, and had to choke it up. but I asked him.
I did it to be true to myself and my feelings. I cant keep things inside, it is hard...my hearts on my sleeve, and I had been wanting toask for so long...he knew something was bothering me. I promised myself when I divorced I would never loose myself and my dignity again...and I love and respect this man so much, that me not asking would not be true to him either.
He said he wasnt all that shocked that I actually did it, and we had a great conversation about later in the evening...he is a great provider and truly is the man I want to face lifes trenches with. Not going to go into every detail of the 3 years here.
Essentially I am looking for ways to keep moving forward...trying not to dwell on it, or push for an answer. We didnt set a time line, as you cant really. I understand the timing was right for me, not necessarily for him...though my heart is a tad broken as I dont FEEL completely what he has to wait on...being a girl I think, am I not enough for him, is he uncertain as somome better MAY come along, does he simply not love me enough or as much as I do to be with me for the rest of his life? Trust me, theres a thousand of these. But rationality kicks in I know he would not invest 3 years if he wasnt in it for the long haul, especially with kids involved...maybe just a good swift kick in the butt is what I need...inner self doubt is a *****...needing some kind supportive words to help me stay strong, while honoring him and waiting.
Three years? Tell him it's time to fish or cut bait.
Of course, your big mistake was moving in with the guy. Basically he gets all the benefits of marriage without all those tedious legal responsibilities.
Wow, that is a harsh reply. I can see where you feel upset over this, since you have a long relationship, have lived together for a while, and you see things going great in the relationship. Yet, he obviously has some kind of question going through his head.
Maybe let him dwell on it a while, and then trying to talk to him again. It sounds like you two probably communicate very well. See what his concerns are, if he will be open with them.
Good luck! Sounds like a difficult, but definately not hopeless situation!
Three years? Tell him it's time to fish or cut bait.
Of course, your big mistake was moving in with the guy. Basically he gets all the benefits of marriage without all those tedious legal responsibilities.
Perhaps he hasn't worked through all of his trust issues you spoke of, or maybe he just wasn't ready.
I don't think he is trying to 'better deal' you or he wouldn't have agreed on you two living together.
Of course, your big mistake was moving in with the guy. Basically he gets all the benefits of marriage without all those tedious legal responsibilities.
On the contrary, I find many couples make the big mistake of not seeing if they are compatible life partners by only moving in together after marriage. How else is the OP (and others) going to ensure that they are perfectly compatible with another person day-after-day if they don't live together first? Perhaps I've just seen too many real-life examples of perfect couples that fall apart when they finally move in together. It's even worse when that perfect couple got married beforehand because my state requires a minimum 6-month separation before one can even file for divorce.
To the OP, if the relationship is as you say, give him time to mull it over. It could very well be that he was planning to ask you. It could very well be that he's not the marriage kind of guy. Any number of reasons. I'd say six months. Give him six months before bringing it up again.
What's the big deal? You have a home with a loving man in it, your kids have a dad. You obviously have no problem with extra-marital monogamous sex. You've already sent the kids the message that nailing someone outside of marriage is no biggie.
Unless there is a motivation other than what you've shared with us, why the push for a piece of paper that won't change a thing, except for the worse? What will that license do for you that isn't being done today? After shacking up for 8 months people assume you are married, you can get all the benefits due a spouse through insurance, access in a hospital, survivor rights. I bet you've co-mingled your funds so it isn't like either one of you has exclusive rights to the bank accounts.
If he comes back and says "I'm not into marriage, so no, I don't want to spend thousands of dollars or even hundreds for a wedding. How about we just have a superbowl kegger instead if you want a party?" you are going to move out and leave him?
He knows you would like a wedding. The ball is in his court. Let him decide if and when. Otherwise let it go or leave him........only two options you have.......unless you like to nag, make him uncomfortable, and break up the relationship.
Three years? Tell him it's time to fish or cut bait.
Of course, your big mistake was moving in with the guy. Basically he gets all the benefits of marriage without all those tedious legal responsibilities.
I disagree. The OP talks about him as a provider and she has 2 children. So it sounds as if he is taking care of her family.
He has a level of commitment that your facile post simply ignores.
Plus, you are assuming that men are fundamentally different from women and it is simply about sex.
Marriage is viewed by many as an outmoded institution. In many ways it is.
We simply do not know enough about this situation to really comment on his motives. Maybe he simply wants some time to really think it through and make sure that he can follow through all the way. Ok, not romantic that he has to do this, but it may simply be the actions of a thoughtful, deliberate guy.
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