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Old 01-18-2012, 11:19 AM
 
3 posts, read 2,762 times
Reputation: 19

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Hi....desperate for advice. I have been with J. for 20 years...in that time he has been verbally abusive and emotionally abusive, someimtes pushing and shoving, not nice. But then he is nice again. Tells me he loves me.

3 months ago...had enough. Told J. I was leaving him. Felt my marriage had died. My heart had gone for him completely. Then fell head over heels in love with a man....he is divorced....

He feels the same I am sure. But he knows I am married. My house is on the market and we should sell soon.....BIG DILEMA.....should I sell my house and move in somewhere by myself for a while....with kids.....or should I stay with J and get a better house....keep life stable. Or should I pursue the other guy?

Just so you know, to complicate things....when J realised that I was leaving, he begged me to stay, apologised, blamed himself...since then he has been good, no bad language...nothing. He seems to have changed. WHAT SHOULD I DO.

Really love this other guy, think about him all the time. Such a powerful connection with him. But, is it wrong to leave a marriage which may now be fine...even though I don't love J. Also, this other guy could end up as a dead end road. ??? So could be messing everyone around for nothing.... i don't know what to do.
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:24 AM
 
7,373 posts, read 13,780,510 times
Reputation: 7021
Divorce him or dont. How can someone make this decision for you. Bye
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:25 AM
 
2,495 posts, read 4,072,233 times
Reputation: 4929
You know in your heart what needs to be done. Sorry but we cant make that decision for you...I trust that you'll do whats best for you and your children.
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:25 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 94,401,525 times
Reputation: 40085
Quote:
Originally Posted by renegirl View Post
Hi....desperate for advice. I have been with J. for 20 years...in that time he has been verbally abusive and emotionally abusive, someimtes pushing and shoving, not nice. But then he is nice again. Tells me he loves me.

3 months ago...had enough. Told J. I was leaving him. Felt my marriage had died. My heart had gone for him completely. Then fell head over heels in love with a man....he is divorced....

He feels the same I am sure. But he knows I am married. My house is on the market and we should sell soon.....BIG DILEMA.....should I sell my house and move in somewhere by myself for a while....with kids.....or should I stay with J and get a better house....keep life stable. Or should I pursue the other guy?

Just so you know, to complicate things....when J realised that I was leaving, he begged me to stay, apologised, blamed himself...since then he has been good, no bad language...nothing. He seems to have changed. WHAT SHOULD I DO.

Really love this other guy, think about him all the time. Such a powerful connection with him. But, is it wrong to leave a marriage which may now be fine...even though I don't love J. Also, this other guy could end up as a dead end road. ??? So could be messing everyone around for nothing.... i don't know what to do.
Whoa, slow down and catch your breathe!

First of all, if what you have with the new guy is true love, it's not going anywhere, so there is no rush to figure this all out today.

In life it is best to finish breakfast before you start eating dinner, okay?

Especially as a parent, you simply HAVE to finish one thing before you commit to another.

TIME IS YOUR FRIEND. Give yourself plenty of it.

Back off of seeing new guy by explaining to him you must deal with matters at home before you can move forward with him.

Like I said, if what you have it "true love" he will understand, back off and give you time to do what you have to do.
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:35 AM
 
Location: NC
6,032 posts, read 8,477,186 times
Reputation: 6368
3 months and you are ready to commit to another guy you barely know?
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:38 AM
 
Location: NY
9,131 posts, read 17,481,249 times
Reputation: 11673
I think you hav a couple things to resolve. I do not want to dismiss your feelings for this new man, but right now, you are in a marriage and need to resovle that situation first. Based on what you said, I would also handle the two sort of independently.

First, I would analyze your marriage and your husband. You are ready to end it because he has been verbally and emotionally abusive. Both are not good at all, and it sounds like it has also caused you to no longer feel love for him.

For now he has changed. How long has the new behavior been present? Has he sought help, or has he been willing to seek help? The amount of time he has shown the change, the willingness to seek and embrace it, would be factors for me (although not all the factors).

You have kids too, so they are a factor. Has he been abusive to them as well? Kids can take divorce very hard, but if the situation is abusive and unhealthy for them, the status quo may not be good either. It is a consideration.

Would you be ok on your own financially?

I would take time and sort through these issues. If your husband has changed, you then have to decide if the situation is one where you can live and thrive in, or whether you will still ultimately be unhappy.

If after reflection, your decision is to end the marriage, then you would need to consider how to pursue your new interest. In analyzing that too, be sure to analyze it critically and protect your heart. You have been wounded, and I am sure feel great to have someone who shows you love and respect. (I would, who wouldn't). Just be sure you don't let the emotions blind you of the new individuals warts and negatives too. Our emotions can make the grass look greener with someone else, when it really isn't.

I wish you the best of luck, in your very difficult situation!
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:43 AM
 
2,445 posts, read 2,941,595 times
Reputation: 2210
It's your life.
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Old 01-18-2012, 12:27 PM
 
Location: North America
14,204 posts, read 11,226,524 times
Reputation: 5554
Move on you deserve better. Why give someone a chance now when for 20 years they have given you pain? Why would you stay with someone you don't love and are not happy with?
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Old 01-18-2012, 12:28 PM
 
Location: TX
6,486 posts, read 5,823,489 times
Reputation: 2625
I agree with the (minority of) people here who actually gave advice, instead of wasting space. But another question, just out of curiosity,

How old are your kids?

Generally, waiting is what's best in this type of situation. Waiting either for your husband to change back if he's going to (though dishonest, giving him the impression that he can start taking you for granted again would be a nice, strategic move on your part) or waiting for your feelings toward this other guy to fade away, which is quite possible - dare I say, PROBABLE because you might've just "fallen in love" with him because your subconscious was looking for a way out.

Your husband's off to a good start (I think 3 months is a pretty good run). And I also want to remind/inform you that you CAN alter your feelings for a person. "Falling in love" is like falling in general. It can either just happen or you can MAKE it happen, imho.
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Old 01-18-2012, 12:45 PM
 
10,803 posts, read 10,168,173 times
Reputation: 25411
Quote:
Originally Posted by renegirl View Post
Hi....desperate for advice. I have been with J. for 20 years...in that time he has been verbally abusive and emotionally abusive, someimtes pushing and shoving, not nice. But then he is nice again. Tells me he loves me.

3 months ago...had enough. Told J. I was leaving him. Felt my marriage had died. My heart had gone for him completely. Then fell head over heels in love with a man....he is divorced....

He feels the same I am sure. But he knows I am married. My house is on the market and we should sell soon.....BIG DILEMA.....should I sell my house and move in somewhere by myself for a while....with kids.....or should I stay with J and get a better house....keep life stable. Or should I pursue the other guy?

Just so you know, to complicate things....when J realised that I was leaving, he begged me to stay, apologised, blamed himself...since then he has been good, no bad language...nothing. He seems to have changed. WHAT SHOULD I DO.

Really love this other guy, think about him all the time. Such a powerful connection with him. But, is it wrong to leave a marriage which may now be fine...even though I don't love J. Also, this other guy could end up as a dead end road. ??? So could be messing everyone around for nothing.... i don't know what to do.
Your marriage and this other man are two separate issues.

Your husband is abusive, and that's what abusers do, put on their best behaviour, for a time, before the cycle repeats itself again. 20 years with this man, do you want better for yourself and your children? And by better, I don't mean someONE else but someTHING else, a better, safer, un-abusive life? Does the abuse spill over from you onto the kids? As a parent, you should do everything you can to protect your children. I don't advocate divorce easily, but abusers don't just stop abusing. It's something in their nature that can't be "cured" by you threatening to leave.

As for this other man, I don't believe you are "head over heals in love" and "really love this guy". You are attracted, infatuated, lusting after, and all because your husband is abusive and you don't have those attraction/lust/love feelings toward him anymore. I'm not sure of the circumstances of your meeting this other man, what your involvment is, how you keep in touch. However, you have spent 20 YEARS in a relationship with your husband. You don't just drop that and get over it in a few minutes and then onto the next relationship, ESPECIALLY when it's been an abusive marriage.

If you choose not to be with your husband, I HIGHLY recommend you being on your own, with your children, healing from the years of abuse. I recommend counseling only because just being away from an abuser isn't enough to allow you to heal, psychological damage has likely been done to you that may take quite some time to get over/heal/resolve.

Your priority should be you and your children as number one, not this other man. You are not in any way fit to begin a new relationship with someone after what you've been living with for years. And although this man might seem good right now, compared to what you're living with, just about anyone would seem good. That doesn't make him better, it just makes him not your husband.

You should not hide from reality by focusing your energy and attentions on this other man. And really, what kind of man is interested in an abused, married woman? Generally people attract others of a similiar level, so if you're mentally/emotionally damaged from your husband, odds are this man has some damage in his background too, for the two of you to attract, unless he has some sort of saviour/rescuer complex occurring.

Of course this is all my armchair psychologist opinion, but I know I'm not wrong that where you are isn't healthy and considering choosing between two men is the wrong course of action for you and the kids. Again, your priority has to be the safety and wellbeing of you and your family. Only you can decide what that ultimately will be, and heck, who knows if the abuse you've sustained even allows for you to make healthy choices for yourself/kids right now. But that's where your focus should absolutely be, not on one man versus the other. Nothing good can come of that.

Best of luck in healing and living a healthier life for you and your family.
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