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He is comfortable and taking you for granted since you are willing to pick up the slack by doing most of the housework.
That said, he may think he is doing his share somewhere else too. I have heard a lot of women in relationships complain they do all the laundry, while the men are complaining right back that they do all the lawn mowing... or things like that. They each end up thinking they are doing MORE than their share.
Respect is listening to each other, and trying to work out a mutually acceptable compromise. He isn't doing that, and this is where the lack of respect comes in.
Sorry if this turns out to be a long post. I feel like an idiot even asking this, but...
What's your idea of respect in relationships? How important is it? How do you show it?
I have been with a guy for almost 3 1/2 years. We both work full-time. No big disparity in work hours or income. However, I handle the finances and do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, take out the trash. No to say he never does anything, and I realize that it's not always 50/50, but I'd have to say that it's been more like 80/20 for a while. Even that wouldn't bother me if I felt appreciated.
This is where the "respect" piece comes in. I have tried to be calm about this, and I know that I have a tendency to let things go until I just lose it, and I know that I need to work on that. I will be the first person that will tell you I am not perfect. And yes, the other day I did "lose it". Then when I calmed down, I tried to explain that, when he does something, I make it a point to show him I appreciate it, and that I would like to hear "please" and "thank you." He said he doesn't think it's important. He is the type to just bark orders rather than asking. I do not liked to be ordered around, and I've told him how that comes across. He's polite when we go out, so it's not that he doesn't have the ability. I've even asked him why it wouldn't be even more important to be respectful toward a significant other. I got every reason from "that's not what he's used to" to being in the military (he hasn't been in the military for years!) to "that's fake, and I'm not fake." Oh boy, oh boy. I tried explaining to him that being respectful is not "fake".
On the surface, it seems like just a bunch of petty stuff like leaving stuff lay around and not helping with the housework when I also have a full-time job. This is just the tip of the iceberg, and that's what he doesn't get. He's told me that all of his previous relationships were horrible; that they all cheated on him and spent his money, one even set fire to all his stuff. I have spent the last three years and change being good to him, and all I want is to feel respected and appreciated. That's it.
Why does this have to be so difficult?
Sorry to tell you this, but your boyfriend is a selfish douche. However, what you're talking about is really two different issues.
1) Manners are never optional, and I never trust anyone who feels that way. I've been married to my wife for 20 years now and we still say please, thank you, and you're welcome to one another. It is the language of gratitude and appreciation, not some empty, outdated mode of behavior. In that sense, it is more important to be polite and respectful to the S/O in your life, not less. For otherwise, you are simply taking that person for granted.
2) I don't think that household chores should be a matter of keeping score as in, "I cleaned the kitchen yesterday so you have to do it today." That requires too much mental energy. Instead, both partners in a relationship should be equally disposed to doing their part and shouldn't be constantly asked to help out.
Basically, if you stay in this relationship, you can only expect more of the same. Inflict this guy on some other poor, unsuspecting woman and find a guy who actually appreciates you enough to be considerate.
What I do now when something bothers me - we both do this - we make an appointment for a talk. We tell the other there is an issue that needs to be discussed, please can I have 15-20 minutes of your time, undisturbed by phones, work, TV. The one with the issue presents the problem - no accusations - and then together we work on a solution. Sometimes the person with the problem makes the first suggestion of a solution and it is discussed in detail - how it will work. Sometimes just bringing up the issue makes it a non-issue. I've had him immediately say that what was bothering me bothered him that he did it; he's sorry and he's already made attempts to change whatever it was. In otherwords, he not only validates my feelings but he shows true remorse by jumping into the problem and saying he will correct it. Usually, though, I'll find that I had some triggering behavior so we discuss that as well.
And do not accept a military background as an excuse for abusive behavior. Unless you have an agreement to the contrary, running the house is a team effort and there is no "i" in team. It's a partnership that requires two to work. In military terms, my husband (former platoon sgt) says, it works this way: when all work together, there's more time to play. "First the mission, then the fishin'." Ask your SO how his drill sgt would have addressed the issue.
Thank you for this. I do think that maybe some of what I said to him sank in, because today when I came home from work, the dishes were done, the bed was made, and it looks decent in here. It's a good feeling coming home after an 11-hour workday and not seeing more crap that needs to be done. But, I do need to keep the "appointment" suggestion in mind, because it's to early to tell if this will be a lasting change.
I also like that quote, "First the mission, then the fishin'." If we work together to get this stuff done, there's more time to relax.
When both my husband and I were working FT we shared all of the household chores. Even now that I am a SAHM, he will do most of the cooking on the weekends, because he enjoys cooking. He will also help me pick up the house, if it is needed. I ususally have this done by the time he comes home, but sometimes I just don't feel like it, lol.
I don't feel as if he is respecting you at all. Maybe you should quit cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. When he runs out of his tighty whities maybe he will respect you then,lol.
You both work, yet you are doing 80% of the housework? Since when is the housework yours, with him "helping" when he feels like it? It's his home, too. Therefore half of the housework is his responsibility, not yours that he "helps" with.
Stop enabling him. Do 50% of the housework and let him wallow in his own filth. Do your own laundry, not his. Do the cooking, not the cleaning. When you're finished with the meal, get up and walk away. Let him clear the dishes, and if he doesn't, leave them out overnight. Let them sit there and get moldy. Eventually he will pick them up if he wants to eat off them again. Choose between cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the bathroom, then do one. Vacuum or mop, not both. Take care of your things, not his.
If that doesn't work, leave.
That's what I did, and I was married. It was the best move I made in my life.
Oh, and that military excuse? Is just that, an excuse. If he was in the military, he knows how to clean a dang toilet. Heck, you should be bouncing quarters off your bed. He's just a lazy-arse who thinks you're there to serve him. How you've made it this far is beyond me. He sounds like a pig.
well said. working women deserve 50-50 at the home, my ex wanted a maid, not a wife.
He still asks if I can make him a sandwich when he comes to see the dogs, lol. These type guys never change, more women today are less tolerant of this, esp as we also work 50-70 hour weeks to keep the house going.
I know you don't want to hear it, but you've told him over and over that his behavior is hurtful. He won't change it. Are you so desperately lonely that you'd rather be in an abusive relationship than on your own?
Oh my dear... this is an issue that has spanned the ages of time... So frustrating that women do work full time jobs and their income is necessary in most cases. Look deeper into the back ground of your bf... was his mother the one that did all the housework and tolerated it while his father sat on his laurels not having to appreciate it because it is expected?
I only state this because my "EX" was raised in the household with his mother doing anything everything regarding the house and nothing ever expected from the father. Of course his mother NEVER worked a full time job in her life but somehow that was over looked. Also, when a man does something he feels is outside his duties, he expects to be praised but not so much with what you are expected to do "After all ... it is YOUR job"... I always felt that when time moves forward that treatment would go away but here I read again this same scenario.
I'm not a negative person at all but.. he will never change... this is how it has been and why are YOU trying to upset the apple cart??.. if I am wrong about that.. so be it but after 3 years... the writing is on the wall... things can get bitter and suggestion to see a counselor?? Doesn't sound like this guy would go for that either... In his eyes, he isn't doing anything wrong.. I hope I'm wrong but "been there... done that" and not going there tomorrow...
Good post above. The problem is these guys get progressively worse as the marriage or live in relationship goes on. Plus most RARELY will seek therapy. Men just dislike therapy. Believe me I knocked my head against the wall enough times. OCD, ADD and the ex should have been on something to calm down. Never did. So after a long days work, I'd get critiqued re: housework.
proud to say those days are over. Its 2012, not 1940. And yes alot of these guys had Moms who cooked and cleaned all day and never worked. They never change.
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proud to say those days are over. Its 2012, not 1940. And yes alot of these guys had Moms who cooked and cleaned all day and never worked. They never change.
