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Sorry if this turns out to be a long post. I feel like an idiot even asking this, but...
What's your idea of respect in relationships? How important is it? How do you show it?
I have been with a guy for almost 3 1/2 years. We both work full-time. No big disparity in work hours or income. However, I handle the finances and do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, take out the trash. No to say he never does anything, and I realize that it's not always 50/50, but I'd have to say that it's been more like 80/20 for a while. Even that wouldn't bother me if I felt appreciated.
This is where the "respect" piece comes in. I have tried to be calm about this, and I know that I have a tendency to let things go until I just lose it, and I know that I need to work on that. I will be the first person that will tell you I am not perfect. And yes, the other day I did "lose it". Then when I calmed down, I tried to explain that, when he does something, I make it a point to show him I appreciate it, and that I would like to hear "please" and "thank you." He said he doesn't think it's important. He is the type to just bark orders rather than asking. I do not liked to be ordered around, and I've told him how that comes across. He's polite when we go out, so it's not that he doesn't have the ability. I've even asked him why it wouldn't be even more important to be respectful toward a significant other. I got every reason from "that's not what he's used to" to being in the military (he hasn't been in the military for years!) to "that's fake, and I'm not fake." Oh boy, oh boy. I tried explaining to him that being respectful is not "fake".
On the surface, it seems like just a bunch of petty stuff like leaving stuff lay around and not helping with the housework when I also have a full-time job. This is just the tip of the iceberg, and that's what he doesn't get. He's told me that all of his previous relationships were horrible; that they all cheated on him and spent his money, one even set fire to all his stuff. I have spent the last three years and change being good to him, and all I want is to feel respected and appreciated. That's it.
A couple working full time should be splitting the housework better than 80/20. Hell I don't let my roommate do any housework without my help, unless I'm at work and he isn't. I do a lot of stuff in this house though, that's for damn sure!
You teach him how to treat you, so ignore him when he barks orders or fails to say please or thank you. When you do something nice for him and he doesn't show appreciation, don't do it again. If he truely values your relationship he will eventually notice, otherwise he is just being a selfish bum, but you can only change your behavior. He has to want to change his, he can't be nagged or coerced into it. So change yours and see if it yields the results you want.
This doesn't sound healthy or good for you over the long term. If you feel the relationship is worth saving, have you tried attending counseling? It could help you understand the communication dynamic and find better ways to communicate. You may be able to get free counseling through your employer EAP program or through your health insurance.
Sorry if this turns out to be a long post. I feel like an idiot even asking this, but...
What's your idea of respect in relationships? How important is it? How do you show it?
I have been with a guy for almost 3 1/2 years. We both work full-time. No big disparity in work hours or income. However, I handle the finances and do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, take out the trash. No to say he never does anything, and I realize that it's not always 50/50, but I'd have to say that it's been more like 80/20 for a while. Even that wouldn't bother me if I felt appreciated.
This is where the "respect" piece comes in. I have tried to be calm about this, and I know that I have a tendency to let things go until I just lose it, and I know that I need to work on that. I will be the first person that will tell you I am not perfect. And yes, the other day I did "lose it". Then when I calmed down, I tried to explain that, when he does something, I make it a point to show him I appreciate it, and that I would like to hear "please" and "thank you." He said he doesn't think it's important. He is the type to just bark orders rather than asking. I do not liked to be ordered around, and I've told him how that comes across. He's polite when we go out, so it's not that he doesn't have the ability. I've even asked him why it wouldn't be even more important to be respectful toward a significant other. I got every reason from "that's not what he's used to" to being in the military (he hasn't been in the military for years!) to "that's fake, and I'm not fake." Oh boy, oh boy. I tried explaining to him that being respectful is not "fake".
On the surface, it seems like just a bunch of petty stuff like leaving stuff lay around and not helping with the housework when I also have a full-time job. This is just the tip of the iceberg, and that's what he doesn't get. He's told me that all of his previous relationships were horrible; that they all cheated on him and spent his money, one even set fire to all his stuff. I have spent the last three years and change being good to him, and all I want is to feel respected and appreciated. That's it.
SWgirl, I know how that goes, don't worry. You'll eventually get to a point where it drives you nuts and you'll leave him. Just wait for the onslaught of excuses after you do leave him, it'll be fun to hear how many times he'll say " I'll change "
You teach him how to treat you, so ignore him when he barks orders or fails to say please or thank you. When you do something nice for him and he doesn't show appreciation, don't do it again. If he truely values your relationship he will eventually notice, otherwise he is just being a selfish bum, but you can only change your behavior. He has to want to change his, he can't be nagged or coerced into it. So change yours and see if it yields the results you want.
You're right. I can't wear his clothes, so maybe he'll notice with the wash, at least.
What I think I've got to do is stop making excuses for him, in my head. So he's had bad relationships before and I feel bad for that. But I am not the one treating him that way, and I think I've proved myself.
What gets me is that the first year wasn't like this. I keep blaming myself and my self-esteem has really taken a dump.
Think of how your self esteem has changed over the course of the relationship and then think of how every relationship he has had in the past has gone bad. There is only one thing in common to all those relationships, and its not you.
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