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I'm a first-time poster who's been reading these forums for a few months without registering, but I finally made an account for myself. Here's my dilemma:
I broke up with my boyfriend of three years because he wants to pursue his career, but I am not sure I did the right thing. The entire time we dated he didn’t have a job because he was finishing up his degree. He will be 30 years old next month. He lives with his mother because he cannot afford to move out on his own or with me without a full time job. I stayed with him because I was under the impression that after he finished his degree, he would get a full time job and we could move in together, but he has finished his degree and is now taking post-bacc classes to be able to get into a program that he says will guarantee him a job that will pay 80K a year. Basically, he still needs a couple more years to finish his classes and this program. During this time he cannot have a full time job because he needs to focus on getting his career in order. He will be living with his mom until he finishes this program and can find stable work. I will have to pay for most of our meals and listen to him complain about not having any money like I’ve been doing for the past three years, while I wait for him to finish.
I want our relationship to move forward; I want to move in together but we can’t do that. I finally decided that I could no longer wait for him and I broke up with him, but I have not been able to let go. I think it’s important for him to pursue his goals, but at the same time I want our relationship to progress into something more solid. I’m 27 and I felt ready to move forward with him, but his priorities are to finish his classes and get into this program. He says I should have waited for him because he’s doing this so he can provide a stable future for us. I could not handle the thought of him with no job and living with his mother for 2 more years. It’s been really stressful and hard on our relationship. He did recently get a job after we broke up, so he is making some progress, but it’s part time and he makes minimum wage.
I just want opinions on what others would have done in my situation. I've been having a really tough time with this.
You have such a high tolerance level for a momma's boy. I wish I could find a woman like you Where does your species exist?
FWIW: Not all mama's boys are bad or not worthy of marriage. I have a well balanced one and am thrilled he respects her...that's good for me.
However, the situation at hand...I don't understand how a couple folks here think this guy is responsible. No, we don't know his side, but the line "I'm doing this for us" irritates the heck out of me. What did he do for "us" before this big grand gesture? It doesn't sound like much. It doesn't matter how nice you are...some of my favorite sociopaths are delightful...at some point, if you want this relationship, you will have to show her that. He can't have her pay, drive, make effort and not reciprocate...which was supposed to come when he graduated. This guy probably even thinks he will get this wonderful job and have this wonderful life...but he's completely passing up the life he has for a life not in existence. Who knows what the future will bring so why not make effort now? If he does in fact love her more than his lifestyle, it seems it would be evident anywhere else.
OP, I think you did the right thing. You felt that the relationship was going nowhere b/c it was. You might be struggling now b/c you do love the guy...but it just isn't a good situation when it's one sided.
I think you made the right choice. He sounds unrealistic (my ex was in clinical lab science, it's not an $80k guarantee, more like a likely $55k). Let him finish school thinking he's guaranteed a job, and when he doesn't work hard enough to find one, he'll continue to live with his mom and work part-time, and you will be in a better place.
Lazer22, if you really do love someone, you stick by them through the good and the bad.
It's a really bad economy right now in case you haven't noticed, and he's doing what he thinks is the best way to ensure a financially stable future. When he's done it sounds like he'll be set. If you can't stick with him because he doesn't have money, doesn't have a full time job, and lives with his mom while he goes to school then you probably don't love him.
Part of a loving relationship is being there during the rough times because if you think everything is candy and flowers once you're married then you're in a for a big surprise. You stick together, you support each other through thick and thin.
I think it would be best for you to move on. These are important things you need to learn about a long term relationship with the possibility of marriage. If a tough financial situation is enough for you to write him off then the loving bond between you must not be very strong and would be best to part ways.
I wonder if the situation were reversed, if those criticizing him would be equally critical of her. Hmmm.
Um, yeah! I would be. Critical only in the fact that she didn't make any real effort to be with her guy. Finances are only a small part of the problem...there are a host of other issues and not being able to support himself for an extended period of time is the icing on the cake. She's concerned and well should be. I would look at this the same way if the roles were reversed.
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Where does your species exist?
