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What a sweet, special person you seem to be. If you decide that the waiting is too hard for you, then it sounds like the not having enough time w/ work schedules etc. would naturally take care of that. Easily letting it slowly dwindle down to the very occasional phone, text or running into each other is the easiest way to let something new go. Never easy....just easier.
But, if you really care about this young lady, then respect her and allow her to work through her feelings, w/out guilting her about your feelings.
Just one day soon, sit with her and discuss that you still really care, (if you still do) and mention as you already expressed, that you really adore her, but you want for her to be sure if she ever is.....so for now you want to forgo the touchy feely almost sexual stuff.
That for you to keep things in perspective you want to respect her wishes, w/ no mixed messages.
Honestly she sounds just like how she explained to you. She is still recovering from the recent breakup, it takes time to work out all your feelings. You do not want to be the rebound boyfriend, that hurts.
So, if you want her, and are willing to wait continue to be her friend, and the one she can count on. Giving her time would be the best thing for her....and evidently she doesn't fall in and out of love every week...That may be a plus because if/when she does fall for you, you will know it is probably real. I hope that things work out for you, take care, jan
bro, there is no easy way to say this, but you got exactly what you asked for. This "sweet special person with high morals and values" will land you in a friend zone each and every time. If an attractive girl comes over to your place, she's probably interested and dissapointed you didnt make a move. You could have been knocking boots on that day, and she was likely dissapointed you weren't. Paying for dates, despite what most female posters here will tell ya, buying gifts and other nonsense, sends signals that you are trying to buy something and is a sure recipe to blu ball sickness for the first few months of dating. Its like giving up all the power, before your relationship even begins. Playing the nice guy wont get you anywhere either, except for the friend zone. If you go out with a girl you like and bump into your friends and they are flirting with this girl and she is flirting back, thats only because you allow that to happen. At that point, your chances were gone anyway. You're young, you'll figure it out in time. Drop the mr nice guy routine, and be direct about your intentions next time. And for the love of god, dont listen to other women giving you nonsensical, completely ineffective dating advice of "get in line until she is done with the other guy" or "be nice and sweet and treat her like a princess" or "just be yourself". Ask a guy who can pick and choose which hottie he's sleeping with tonight. BTW, your chances ar long gone, you have to let this one go. Live and learn.
She moved there to be closer to the ex, realized it wasn't going to work but was still pining for him. That type of rejection is painful, plus she was away from her support network, so she was feeling lonely and insecure. Being around someone who is 1. from home and 2. likes her - made her less lonely and not feel like a total piece of crap that the guy she loves can't/won't love her enough to get it together and be with her.
You gave her that support initially under the guise of friendship. You never said anything, so she never had to confront any uncomfortable undertones developing. She truly liked you, even if she loves dude. Now her feelings are all muddled up. She can get some kind of weird mix of friendship/support/sexual intimacy from you and it makes her feel better, but she can do so without having to commit to you in a way that will make her break off from the ex emotionally, which would be hard. You are a friend with benefits, rebound style.
As much as you like her, it will NEVER WORK unless she is really over her ex and ready to commit to you. But she can't do that as long as she has you to help her avoid confronting the truth. She needs to be by herself and feel the pain, then deal with this like a grownup. The ex needs to be out of her system and even if that does happen, she might find herself in a different place and not want you in the way you want her.
Remember the way she makes you feel and use it for inspiration as to what is possible out there. What you are looking for is that feeling attached to a person who is free and clear, and ready to cherish you instead of putting you through changes. She may not be doing it on purpose, but she's doing to you what the ex is doing to her... helping you pine for someone who is not available to you, keeping you hooked on an illusion of what could be instead of finding something that is.
Everyone is right. Stay away from her and give yourself a chance to get your emotions in check. It is hard and takes time, but you are only doing what she needs to be doing right now concerning her ex.
Way too long, OP. Probably the longest original post I have ever come across here so far. You didn't have to feed us every little bit of info. I'm sure you have received some good advice though. Good luck!
First text was something like "doing anything sweet for the super bowl this sundy?"
Second text was "I got put on call tonight. What are you doing/do you work tomorrow?"
Then she called and I didn't answer.
No replies at all... lol
lol I'm such a dick.
LOL you don't have to be a passive aggressive dickwad about it. Just tell her the truth... you need some distance right now so you are stepping away from the relationship. Then you can ignore her guilt free and all proper-like. Heh.
First text was something like "doing anything sweet for the super bowl this sundy?"
Second text was "I got put on call tonight. What are you doing/do you work tomorrow?"
Then she called and I didn't answer.
No replies at all... lol
lol I'm such a dick.
Why play games? You two work in the same place, you can't go on ignoring her forever.
Take a few minutes to be honest with her -
"I am not interesting in being just friends, and you are obviously still working through your feelings about your ex. I was hoping we could be more than friends but you aren't ready for that so I'm backing off now".
Wow, thank you for ALL of the replies. I really appreciate it.
I can't say that anything has drastically changed. Maybe some things have. I've taken some advice from people here and personal friends and have kind of 'stepped off' a bit.
It's still really hard though. There are days where we will be hanging out, and she'll be much more inviting and personal. Then the whole "I don't know" thing pops up; so I guess I haven't learned from the past.
I think the fact that I'm living in a new city away from many friends and family, and I don't have many friends down here is what's making it harder. I love my job.. LOVE it; so I hate to complain because there are people without them and who are struggling and DESERVE to vent more than I do about this little lady problem.
But this time of year with it being cold and boring outside, with the new location, few friends/family... days are pretty gray and stuff. Add on top of that, that I'm caught in a daze with this girl; it's seriously driving me crazy.
I want to move on, but it's so hard to be friends with someone who you really really care for, ya know?
Wow, thank you for ALL of the replies. I really appreciate it.
I can't say that anything has drastically changed. Maybe some things have. I've taken some advice from people here and personal friends and have kind of 'stepped off' a bit.
It's still really hard though. There are days where we will be hanging out, and she'll be much more inviting and personal. Then the whole "I don't know" thing pops up; so I guess I haven't learned from the past.
I think the fact that I'm living in a new city away from many friends and family, and I don't have many friends down here is what's making it harder. I love my job.. LOVE it; so I hate to complain because there are people without them and who are struggling and DESERVE to vent more than I do about this little lady problem.
But this time of year with it being cold and boring outside, with the new location, few friends/family... days are pretty gray and stuff. Add on top of that, that I'm caught in a daze with this girl; it's seriously driving me crazy.
I want to move on, but it's so hard to be friends with someone who you really really care for, ya know?
So don't be friends with her!
Just treat her like what she is, your co-worker.
Keep things professional between you to better protect yourself
I think you have some great insight into why this is harder on you right now (new place, no friends or family around, dismal winter weather), so just keep reminding yourself of all that.
And remember that spring really is just around the corner - this too shall pass
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