Quote:
Originally Posted by luvlux80
I don't really know who else to ask....this has been killing me inside for a few days. For three years our relationship has been rocky. We have had a stupid argument at least once a week..yelling screaming...fighting non-stop....me complaining about him and him being defensive about me nagging.. Anyways, he has often broke up with me because he said the relationship has been too stressful and I can't appreciate him, and I'm full of trust issues ( my ex cheated), but yet, we usually get back together after he calms down. Well lately I had noticed his behavior has been a little off. He had been getting mad and blaming me for a lot of things and just overall mean. I had finally had some type of revelation back in January, and wanted to give my all, stop the arguing nonsense and let my wall completely down, so I have been working my butt off to make this work. I thought he would have been more receptive, but instead he got even more distant. Sunday was the day he decided to tell the girl he has been cheating with since NOV that he had to cut it off and he could no longer lead this double life and that he wanted to make it work with me. Apparently, she work with him, and initially tired to talk to him cause it was a like a game to her cause he had a GF. He told her to back off, but we kept having problems, she kept trying, and eventually he gave in (this was told to me by friend who has talked to the girl). So anyways, I guess she she had started wanting something more, and he told her he had never planned to leave me. Then, at 2:00 am I get a knock on my door and he confesses he has cheated for 3 months....he then started balling and crying and freaking out when I just looked at him. He was on his knees begging me to forgive him..but I told him to leave. He is a total wreck now. All his friends say he is really beating himself up, and can't barely hold it together. tuesday, he left me this 4 page letter in my door about how he felt, and how truly sorry he was, and how he could never forgive himself for this one. I finally allowed contact via text with him yesterday and he says he did it beacuse she was what I wasnt. She was easy to talk to, never complained..he says she is what he thought he wanted becaiuse there was no drama, no problems, no arguments..of course..she was the side chick  EH said he used it as a crutch and he knows he should of been more of a man and communicated better. That she was nice and cool..but he knew he would never be with someone like her.
He sounds terrible, saying he can't do anything, is crying every day, considers himself scum......I don't know what to do. I want someone to explain to me how you can cheat for 3 months because of relationship hardships, but now..you are dying inside because I may not forgive you and take you back. Do people not think of this while they are doing it? He has been depressed for months, about family, money, job, and our issues...and I have held him up and helped him out every step of the way. He was cheated on by his ex wife, so I never expected this type of behavior from him. That night he confessed he cried and cried because he said I have cared about him like no one else...even more than his ex wife..and that he knows I'm the best thing he has ever had. His emotions were genuine, I've never seen someone so distraught, sobbing over a situation like this. He said he knew he was wrong, but he let the bad problems in our relationship validate his actions. I sometimes wonder did he tell me cause she was starting to want more and he didn't want to deal with the complexity anymore...she asked him to choose her and leave me...he said that was never his plan..that he has always been in love with me ( which I don't think I believe anymore).
I try not to ask to many details...obviously she came over his house, hung out, and they have slept together..but what the heck was he thinking????? Yet, none of my friends have said just leave him...one of my friends was at the Superbowl party that he came to and the girl crashed, and she saw what happened and said he was about to break down in front of everyone that he said "I'm going to lose her".....I just want some unbiased advice or a different outlook on this situation...he is in the military and leaving in 2 months..and will be gone for 6....he wants this resolved before he leaves because he thinks I'll be done when him gets back....... |
Honestly? I am trying to be very diplomatic..
You both sound young, maybe early 20's?
3 years is a long time...and to have issues like this occur on a consistent basis for the duration before the infidelity? Not good..I understand baggage, we all have some in one way or another to go along with personality clashes and so forth..
Okay, you decided to change your ways in order to save the relationship, you behaved in a rational and mature way however he handled it crappy!
He cheated and he did not tell you..he did not come to you and state that he was checking out emotionally and the relationship was in this much trouble, he did the easiest thing, he checked out and found someone who was not you!
He told you why..."SHE WAS NOT YOU" AND this was what he needed..however he should have never have stayed in the relationship..
Let me state it a different way...
YOU WERE WAY TOO ABRASIVE
YOU WERE TOO MUCH DRAMA
HE WAS TIRED OF THE FIGHTING
HE WAS TIRED OF THE ISSUES
However the fact that he could articulate this after the fact means he knew what he was doing and what he was looking for, and the only thing he is sorry for is being with you when it happened because he knows he just became everything you have been fearing since being with him. He is now THAT guy that you useto be with...
You may have had some part in it ( there are always 2 parts to a story)
but you most certainly did not make him cheat, he did this on his own.
I have been in your place...
and as much as I would like to tell you to give it another go I am not going too..
I am an ex military wife..my ex cheated on me after I left him for his abusive ways 2 years into the marriage and this was his justification to cheat even though I stated "You want this marriage? you need help"
he cheated, never expected me to find out but I did and he cried, threw himself on his knees, begged me to stay, he did it because he was lonely and "she" was a nobody, he did not even like her...
I took him back and ended up divorcing him later because this is who he was...
he is going to deploy soon? good luck..welcome to sleepness nights wondering what he is doing and further repeats...
God help you..
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