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Old 02-27-2012, 04:48 PM
 
1,429 posts, read 2,289,092 times
Reputation: 1897

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So I recently learned I very probably have a personality disorder (Schizoid + Asperger traits), and have actually put my wife through a lot without realizing it.

I'm very surprised she's still with me, after assuming she felt/thought just like I do.

I've laughed + smiled almost every time she cried or was upset.
I've accused her of faking emotions I didn't understand.
I've not taken her seriously when she was upset.
I've skipped many of her birthdays/holidays.
I've greatly ignored her to pursue my hobbies/interests.
I've quickly become annoyed when I didn't find value in things she wanted us to do.
I've ignored her family, and fussed when we had to deal with them.
I've ignored my own family.
I've cut myself off from all relationships (except for my wife).
I've (unintentionally) appeared extremely cold to people she's tried to befriend.
I didn't understand she put value in sentimental stuff, and openly criticized them.
I didn't notice I had a blunted affect and seemed uninterested in her attempts to do something nice for me.
I've said numerous "insensitive" remarks without realizing it, then wondered why she was upset.
I've flat out told her I get absolutely no value in talking to her family, friends etc.

Hm, what else, what else..

Well, those are just off the top of my head. But after all that she's stuck with me. I've realized assuming she was like me got me in trouble, and I need to work on things so she'll have a better life.

I need to switch over from thinking I'm suppose to find meaning and value in talking to her family, and just simply do it for my Wife. Same with her friends, etc & when she wants people over. I absolutely abhor it, think it's a waste of time, but it's not going to kill me to go through it for her. So I will. And I'll stop vocalizing my objections since it apparently makes her upset.

And with the guy - that relationship seems over. There's not much else to say about it.

So - that's that. An update for who cares. I'd rather not deal with 8+ pages etc again.
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Old 02-27-2012, 04:50 PM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
4,489 posts, read 10,261,138 times
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It sounds like you're making some great changes in your relationship That's the sign of a good marriage--when both people are willing to make sacrifices for the other. (I watch a lot of sports with DH that I abhor and think are a waste of time too, but you're right, it won't kill me )
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Old 02-27-2012, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 94,416,896 times
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I always appreciate when someone comes back and updates us here - so thanks!

Congrats on getting to the bottom of your problems and best of luck going forward
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:10 AM
 
18,979 posts, read 17,562,080 times
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Excellent insight, OP. How did you learn all of this? I hope you will see a specialist for counseling and behavioural therapy so you can put this new awareness to work for you and your marriage in a consistent, sustainable way.

I truly hope she has gone "no contact" with that guy or you will find yourself right back to square one if you slip up or backslide. I hope you have your wife's support as you try to improve yourself.
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:21 AM
 
3 posts, read 3,652 times
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Great information there, I have always wondered the right way to go about this, thanks for showing me! Some of them points are really straight forward but all too often you will over look them
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:28 AM
 
461 posts, read 732,837 times
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You can't self diagnose. Schizoid Personality Disorder.. Did you take an internet test?

Get thee to a therapist. Even if it's true, you need guidance.
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Old 02-29-2012, 06:55 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,938 posts, read 10,404,283 times
Reputation: 13119
Default Good idea

Quote:
Originally Posted by myrevenge View Post
You can't self diagnose. Schizoid Personality Disorder.. Did you take an internet test?

Get thee to a therapist. Even if it's true, you need guidance.
I answered positively to well over half the behavioral traits you mentioned. My ex-wife diagnosed me as a narcissist; a psychologist diagnosed me as having a cyclothymic personality; I have diagnosed myself as an alcoholic (and did something about it). But a lot of it fell into the category of being normally ****ed up, and I have also been doing something about that. (My current wife has diagnosed me as "the sweetest guy she has ever met").

Do yourself a favor. Don't label yourself as you have without getting some professional help.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:30 PM
 
1,429 posts, read 2,289,092 times
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Nope, I haven't been to a therapist.

Well, my mother is a licensed professional counselor and I discussed it with her, but of course (living 1,300 miles away) she's not aware of what goes on in my relationship, so I got plenty of "noo...you're just an introvert & creative.."

And I got the "Also, your wife wouldn't feel loved.." - to which I admitted to (unintentionally) laughing/smiling at her while she cried, skipping her birthdays/holidays, throwing fits every single time we interacted with her family/friends, telling her I got no value out of being around her family, telling her the honor roll award she received wasn't important and not worth attending (and that I wasn't), got angry and upset when I didn't see value for myself in doing something my wife wanted to do- etc etc etc..etc etc etc...etc etc etc. Trust me, it (and worse) went on. I'm truly surprised my wife has stayed with me.

I also reminded her just 2 months ago (suddenly and completely out of the blue) I was set to leave my 8 year relationship with my wife and move to Alaska by myself. Which also would of cut me off from my parent's, sister, etc.

The conversation with her at the end was very different from the conversation with her at the beginning, and the conclusion was linking PD's through my dads side of the family.

So I'm positive I would be diagnosed, as I heavily match 6 out of 7 criteria (when the indication for diagnosis is 4) - but there's no reason to get diagnosed.

Everything I listed - do all of that (like laughing/smiling at your wife as she's breaking down and telling you she's at her breaking point) and feel neutral, calm, unmoved and reply to that with "stop faking" or "grow up" or some variant.

My goal wasn't to hurt her, and even doing all the stuff above I didn't feel that I was hurting her. The label doesn't matter, it changes absolutely nothing, except I've learned that perhaps cutting yourself off from everybody else in the world and being content with spending 100% of your time alone, probably isn't how the majority of people operate (correct me if I'm wrong, because it sounds sublime to me). And probably neither is laughing at your wife as she cries alone, or claiming family members must be faking at your grandmothers funeral (and replying with "Oh, no problem" or "Don't worry about it" to "I'm sorry for your loss..").

So the purpose isn't to "label myself" - just to succinctly see what my personality is prone to, and what areas I need to adjust.

I'll still be me, but I can take the burden off my wife and "tolerate" and not give her grief, etc. That's completely possible.

And realized within one Sunday afternoon.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:57 PM
 
6,459 posts, read 11,277,420 times
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Go see a PROFESSIONAL please for a proper diagnosis.

Sigh, the INTERNET is no substitution for a LICENSED therapist who is NOT family.

Last edited by marilyn220; 02-29-2012 at 11:18 PM..
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Old 02-29-2012, 11:07 PM
 
461 posts, read 732,837 times
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Quote: "So the purpose isn't to "label myself" - just to succinctly see what my personality is prone to, and what areas I need to adjust. "
"I'll still be me, but I can take the burden off my wife and "tolerate" and not give her grief, etc. That's completely possible."

You won't know what to adjust and how to go about it if you don't seek help from an objective professional. It sounds like you want to toss this relationship in the dumpster and start anew anyway.
However, for the rest of your life, (don't know how deep this goes), it may affect work & friendships.
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