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What you need however is to figure out why YOU are ALLOWING all of this to happen.
It sounds like you need to speak to a counsler for a bit to figure out why your self esteem is so low that you believe this relationship to be a good thing.
Maybe there is potential here, I do not know. I do know that the situation you find yourself in is NOT going to change until one or both of you do. You are kind of listening to the people on the board, but down in your heart you really don't believe any of us are able to understand where you're at. At a guess, you probably feel that none of us really know your significant other the way you do, so there is no way the things we are saying can be correct.
Been there, done that.
All I can do is recommend the sessions, although I am not sure you will listen to what a counsler has to say either.
Good luck dear, just remember. No matter what YOU do, there are some things that you simply can NOT fix.
To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
- William Shakespeare (Hamlet)
One who gives his/her life to another at the cost of losing who he/she is in the process will have a hard time being true to him/her self. Allowing someone else to define who we are, we lose our ability to discover and grow inwardly. We no longer are able to discern a truth from a lie.
What you need however is to figure out why YOU are ALLOWING all of this to happen.
It sounds like you need to speak to a counsler for a bit to figure out why your self esteem is so low that you believe this relationship to be a good thing.
Maybe there is potential here, I do not know. I do know that the situation you find yourself in is NOT going to change until one or both of you do. You are kind of listening to the people on the board, but down in your heart you really don't believe any of us are able to understand where you're at. At a guess, you probably feel that none of us really know your significant other the way you do, so there is no way the things we are saying can be correct.
Been there, done that.
All I can do is recommend the sessions, although I am not sure you will listen to what a counsler has to say either.
Good luck dear, just remember. No matter what YOU do, there are some things that you simply can NOT fix.
Someone else yesterday mentioned talking to a counselor about this, and I think it may help. I will be considering this heavily in the next few weeks.
I am listening to everyone here, and I do know that people are able to understand what I am going through, without even knowing him or me. I know people have gone through this before and that people will continute to go through this.. the thing is.. I have never gone through this. I want to believe that what I want to do to solve this will be right, but I also know that it might not be. Thats why I am asking for advice. I wanted opinions from people and their stories and thoughts, etc. I am reading these and taking it to heart in trying to decide what is best for me. I know right now I think he is best for me... but like everyone has said, maybe he is not the right one for me. I just need to try and pull all of this together in my own way and make it right for me.
I know I am young, I know there are other fish in the sea... but for the time being I want him. I know I cant completely have him right now... I just hope that that will change. I want to give him his space, I want to try and make it right... Ive been good in not trying to push him.
Last night was the first night I was alone... his brother flew into town and he went to his mothers house for dinner because he has not seen any of them in awhile. I was all alone. I couldnt stand being there because all I thought about was him. I understand that is normal at this stage... I tried to keep myself busy. When he finally got home I was so excited and my heart was relieved. We sat together for a little while and then I went to bed knowing he came home to me. I know this sounds messed up.. but he is my first true love, and I wish it was going to be my only love. We have both given each other so much and I am not willing to accept it and throw it away just yet.
Don't let him have his cake and eat it too. If he wants to be single, he needs to sleep in a different bedroom or the living room. If he wants to keep you as a roommate, then be a roommate, not an uncommitted friend with benefits. Why would he ever want to recommit if you are still giving him all the love and attention you have always given him?
I recommend going out with your girlfriends Fri and Sat night...look hot when you go out, and come home late (or not at all).
I am not saying that you don't need to find what is right for you. We must each make that decision on our own.
I am saying that the idea that you are willing to do any and everything you can just to be near this person, concerns me both as a parent and a human being.
It seems that your entire personality is subsumed in your SO. Your only thoughts are of him. I would ask you to think of a favored dog who waits patiently at home for it's master to return. It becomes ecstatic with a simple word and a quick pat from it's master and then sits patiently to wait for whatever the master might want next.....
While it is very loving to think of your SO and try to make them happy, I do believe that you are taking this farther than is healthy.
The decision of how you live your life is up to you dear. Only you can decide that.
I feel for you, because I know how much it hurts to love someone, and then to have everything go to bits, and then try to hang on.
When I think back to my twenties, I thank god I never got married because I went through so many changes, and in the end, ended up a better person. The person I would have ended up with then, is not someone I would want to be with now.
When choosing a life-partner so many more things matter than "love." You really have to respect the person, their work ethic, moral ethics and such. You want to be very careful, because when you have kids, or do anything that requires teamwork, you want to make sure you are not the one doing all the work, and the other is going along for the ride. My sister and I often will talk about the women we know who gave their husbands ultimatums on getting married. Today, these women are miserable, suspicious, frustrated and the like. You cannot make a man do something he does not want to do, and get away with it. You may get it in the short term, but in the long term, it will come back to bite you.
It takes hindsight to be able to ponder the question of, "why in the world would I ever want to be with someone who does not want to be with me?" It's a long process of letting go.
This is your first love, so it's going to be tough for you either way.
You can't really realize how young you really are, but you are. You should be having fun, traveling, going back to school... whatever. Don't waste this awesome time in your life trying to hang on to something that has run its course. You will look back and regret it, I promise you.
You also need to really listen to what people are telling you, and stop making excuses because the truth hurts. You asked for the advice in the first place.
The truth does hurt, but it will also set you free.
IMHO it would be profitable for you to read and re-read what is written below Not the easiest thing to hear, given your situation, but it is very on-target. Try to think logically, not emotionally...
Quote:
Originally Posted by old biddie
I feel for you, because I know how much it hurts to love someone, and then to have everything go to bits, and then try to hang on.
When I think back to my twenties, I thank god I never got married because I went through so many changes, and in the end, ended up a better person. The person I would have ended up with then, is not someone I would want to be with now.
When choosing a life-partner so many more things matter than "love." You really have to respect the person, their work ethic, moral ethics and such. You want to be very careful, because when you have kids, or do anything that requires teamwork, you want to make sure you are not the one doing all the work, and the other is going along for the ride. My sister and I often will talk about the women we know who gave their husbands ultimatums on getting married. Today, these women are miserable, suspicious, frustrated and the like. You cannot make a man do something he does not want to do, and get away with it. You may get it in the short term, but in the long term, it will come back to bite you.
It takes hindsight to be able to ponder the question of, "why in the world would I ever want to be with someone who does not want to be with me?" It's a long process of letting go.
This is your first love, so it's going to be tough for you either way.
You can't really realize how young you really are, but you are. You should be having fun, traveling, going back to school... whatever. Don't waste this awesome time in your life trying to hang on to something that has run its course. You will look back and regret it, I promise you.
You also need to really listen to what people are telling you, and stop making excuses because the truth hurts. You asked for the advice in the first place.
The truth does hurt, but it will also set you free.
Yes the truth does hurt. I am trying to accept what I know deep down I need to do. I know I need to walk away, but I dont know how. All these qualities (work ethic, etc) I have seen in him. I see a great man when I look at him, maybe at this point I should say I saw a great man.
Last night he ended up going out with a friend of his for a drink. I took a step and decided that I was not going to sit at home another night. I ended up going out with a few friends just to take my mind off things. I had a good time, but he was always there in the back of my head. I got home, and he was already home, and in bed... in the other room. He was mad with me and stormed out of the house to go take a walk. I ended up going with him and he said he was surpised that I went out. So we did end up sleeping in different rooms for most of last night. I ended up going into the other room around 630 this morning.
Golly, xfountaingrl.... that's so messed up. And, considering how messed up I am, that's really saying something! I mean... he goes out with his buddies and just what are you supposed to do? And you aren't even married yet! Suppose you did marry this guy? Think you'd need permission to breathe?
Really... cut loose and get out one way or the other as soon as possible. This doesn't sound like love anymore. More like codependence. And that's painful, too, so you have my empathy with this screwed up situation. But you have to understand you're just perpetuating the pain by staying there. Get out and don't look back.
So he tells you he wants to break up, then goes out with friends, then gets mad when you go out with friends? Uh-uh. It doesn't work that way.
You can't believe it right now, but someday you'll look back and say, "Thank goodness I didn't marry that idiot." You're in for a hard year, but get the break-up over with and you'll be much happier and better off in the long run.
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Old Biddie is very wise. . . .
