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She IS marrying him - not his family. When an individual can't separate him/herself from their family, that's where the issue lies.
Sure the family will be a part of their lives, but they aren't a third wheel in the marriage. It's disturbing when people think that way, honestly.
Tolerate the family when you have to. Live your life happily - with your husband - otherwise. If he loves you and supports you, that's all that should matter.
I agree totally with you spinx.
BUT in my 23 yrs of being married, the MIL was a constant problem..(as she was for my husband's brother's wife). This lady was UNABLE to accept either of us as a daughter-in-law and went out of her way to aggravate and bully both of us...
As a young woman, I did all I knew to do...but nothing changed...got older, I just accepted it and frankly tried to stay away from her as much as possible. It was a shame and actually quite hard.
Never at any time did my husband confront her about her behaviors....we ended up divorced as did his brother/wife. Not saying she was the reason for the divorce, but absolutely she played a part in MY relationship with MY husband whether I liked it or not. Nuclear family dynamics.
I don't have any advice. Just do your best and be yourself
...do not cowtow to anyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by spinx
She IS marrying him - not his family. When an individual can't separate him/herself from their family, that's where the issue lies.
Sure the family will be a part of their lives, but they aren't a third wheel in the marriage. It's disturbing when people think that way, honestly.
Tolerate the family when you have to. Live your life happily - with your husband - otherwise. If he loves you and supports you, that's all that should matter.
Just want to second (or third) the argument that when you marry someone, you are not marrying their family. But honestly, I think I have more of a problem with the way it's being worded than what (I can only hope) it means by most who say it. It just seems to put the family on an equally high pedestal than the spouse - for lack of better wording. Yes, you should understand and accept that for many, family members are very important and are going to be a part of your life so long as you're with your new spouse. But your spouse should understand that however important one's past (their original family) may be to them, their future (their new family) is what their primarily focus should always be. I dare say that people who don't come to this conclusion put themselves at higher risk of becoming bad spouses and bad parents.
How can you barely know his parents? Something doesn't sound right. You've been together for 4 years. Have neither of you spent holidays together? Go to family functions together? And get off the "first born" kick. Most Americans don't dwell on the first born thing and who they marry. I found that to be mostly an Asian thing. I worked in an Asian community and have learned a lot about the cultures. Some Asian cultures have stronger mariatal values about who thier kids marry. In your case, it's my guess that they just don't like you and that it has nothing to do with being Korean. My co-worker is Korean and his wife is Italian. Her parents are immigrants, just like mine. He spends time with her family and she with his. My brother's wife is Philippino. She had always spent time at our house before they were married and we spent time with her family. How do you marry someone and not know their family considering you know each other since JHS and you live in the same city as his parents?
I honestly didnt want to meet his parents when were together for 3 years. Just cuz I was afraid too. When we finally were engaged...I finally met them.
I honestly didnt want to meet his parents when were together for 3 years. Just cuz I was afraid too. When we finally were engaged...I finally met them.
What were you afraid of? I don't understand what you mean. If you were afraid then that means you either you already knew something or you made a preconceived notion about them and assumed they wouldn't like you. To be honest, if the girl my son got engaged to was "afraid" to meet me after 3 years, I don't think I'd be happy with her either. What reason would one have to be afraid? And your fiance hasn't assured you that there is nothing to be afraid of? I don't think you're telling the whole story. This has drama written all over it. Has he met your parents and family?
How does your SO feel about this and does he see it too? If you get married, whose 'side' is he on? Is he willing to defend you to his family and if necessary, walk away from them?
My MIL despised me because I was a 'Yankee' and H's family was from the south. Ridiculous! But prejudices are usually ridiculous. I did nothing but right by her son. I always worked hard and even put her son through college. But I could never do enough and she hated me until the day she died. She was always working behind the scenes trying to poison our relationship. She was quite evil.
H was never able to stand up to her. He allowed her to treat me badly. Eventually I lost a lot of respect for him over this issue and it did affect our marriage.
My best advice is to think hard about this and be sure about your prospective husband.
What were you afraid of? I don't understand what you mean. If you were afraid then that means you either you already knew something or you made a preconceived notion about them and assumed they wouldn't like you.To be honest, if the girl my son got engaged to was "afraid" to meet me after 3 years, I don't think I'd be happy with her either.What reason would one have to be afraid? And your fiance hasn't assured you that there is nothing to be afraid of? I don't think you're telling the whole story. This has drama written all over it. Has he met your parents and family?
I am Korean. He was white.
I automatically assumed they wouldnt like me.
You have never met me as a person. I get along with everyone AND I hate drama! I avoid it. Think whatever you want. But you dont understand and dont expect you to get it.
How does your SO feel about this and does he see it too? If you get married, whose 'side' is he on? Is he willing to defend you to his family and if necessary, walk away from them?
My MIL despised me because I was a 'Yankee' and H's family was from the south. Ridiculous! But prejudices are usually ridiculous. I did nothing but right by her son. I always worked hard and even put her son through college. But I could never do enough and she hated me until the day she died. She was always working behind the scenes trying to poison our relationship. She was quite evil.
H was never able to stand up to her. He allowed her to treat me badly. Eventually I lost a lot of respect for him over this issue and it did affect our marriage.
My best advice is to think hard about this and be sure about your prospective husband.
This sucks! I am sorry to hear that! Was he the 1st born son or something??? : (
I dont understand if the guy is interracial relationships....he resents her for trying to take him away from his family even though she didnt pressure him to do so. That happened to my friend.
Just want to second (or third) the argument that when you marry someone, you are not marrying their family. But honestly, I think I have more of a problem with the way it's being worded than what (I can only hope) it means by most who say it. It just seems to put the family on an equally high pedestal than the spouse - for lack of better wording. Yes, you should understand and accept that for many, family members are very important and are going to be a part of your life so long as you're with your new spouse. But your spouse should understand that however important one's past (their original family) may be to them, their future (their new family) is what their primarily focus should always be. I dare say that people who don't come to this conclusion put themselves at higher risk of becoming bad spouses and bad parents.
I agree -- except that sometimes you are. It depends on how separated the spouse wants to be from the family.
Often they're going to want to get together with family for holidays, or at least for family reunions. Some families like to remain extra close and enjoy many weekends together. Some even feel it's their duty to have parents live with them when the parents get older.
It's fine if the in-laws are a problem and you live 2000 miles away from them and never plan to visit or have them visit. It's not so fine if the spouse wants to see them and have them around often and they are a problem.
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and be yourself 
What were you afraid of? I don't understand what you mean. If you were afraid then that means you either you already knew something or you made a preconceived notion about them and assumed they wouldn't like you. To be honest, if the girl my son got engaged to was "afraid" to meet me after 3 years, I don't think I'd be happy with her either. What reason would one have to be afraid? And your fiance hasn't assured you that there is nothing to be afraid of? I don't think you're telling the whole story. This has drama written all over it. Has he met your parents and family?
