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I have made an honest effort and I'm tired of trying. I shouldn't even have to try. I have nothing to gain in continuing to talk with her about this. I can't force my wishes onto someone else.
One thing that eventually came up with my wife is she was just plain embarrassed to have to deal with this problem. (even now, she says she is mortified to have to talk about this stuff in the counselling sessions) She only admitted that recently, but much time had passed where she did not deal with it prior to that, so I think it is a mix of things.
When she decides something is important to her, she has no problem taking action to make it happen, so my only conclusion is this was not important to her. We went around and around dozens of times over the years but I guess I finally impressed upon her enough that if staying married to me was important to her, this had to be fixed. I felt bad in some ways, but I'm too young to give up on that part of my life and we have lots of lost time to make up for.
I think you've overlooked something...you say that you feel that your wife isn't taking action because the problem isn't important to her. Yet, in your first paragraph, you tell us how mortified she is to talk about this in counseling sessions.
I DO think this is important to her, but her embarrassment has paralyzed her. Depending on her upbringing and/or her religion, it may have been drummed into her to be the "good" girl and that certain behaviors and thoughts are a big no-no.
There are so many silly thoughts here, it's hard to know where to begin...
Many people are saying because the man still masturbates, his desire is there, he can still "perform", he just isn't interested in his partner, etc.
Are the people making these claims women or just clueless men?
Masturbation is easy. Full sexual relations with another person can be difficult, sometimes very difficult and especially so for men. Sometimes a man can easily masturbate and yet, be afraid to attempt lovemaking with a partner. Some reasons?
As men, we are constantly told we have to measure up in every way. We have to be always-at-the-ready stud machines. Performance anxiety anyone?
We have to be able to start and maintain a full erection in order to satisfy our partners. A nice trick if you're addled with depression, medication side-effects, aches and pains, the aforementioned PA and a host of other possible reasons.
Men are told unless we're a certain size-and many women on this forum have made this abundantly clear-that we're less than desireable. Women aren't the only ones who can feel embarrassed and self-conscious about physical appearance and which can definitely affect desire and performance.
Very few men WANT to talk about their performance issues, erection problems, lack of sexual interest, etc. Unfortunately, men often buy into the male sexual myths that they should be insatiable animals at all times and when they have problems, it can be emotionally devastating.
Too many women, when faced with these problems don't do the correct thing, which is to talk openly, non-judgementally and lovingly with their partners. Communication is the key here. If he resists initially, keep at it in a calm, gentle way. Until the problem is solved, express affection in less sexual ways. Rely on lovemaking that doesn't depend on erections and intercourse.
For women, resist thoughts and advice that say "If he's not getting it from you, he's getting it somewhere else"..."If he's not interested, he's gay"...."He's obviously porn-addicted"...
If you have a loving relationship in other ways, seek to help him and not judge him. If he's initially resistant, don't give up. A good relationship should be worth the time and effort.
Depending on her upbringing and/or her religion, it may have been drummed into her to be the "good" girl and that certain behaviors and thoughts are a big no-no.
You may be right about the other but this part is definitely not the problem.
All of it is so weird. No real hangups. No issues with enjoying it. Just no desire to do it the next time. Though things are improving somewhat now. We still have a ways to go though.
According to about.com 10% of the population is taking ant-depressants. Thats a lot of people who are potentially dealing with spouses and SO who have no desire. I would expect there are many ways that people are dealing with this problem.
Before you look for a solution you have decide what problem you want to solve. Is it your sex life or your SO sex life that needs to be readjusted? By this I mean is it you who should learn how to go with out sex or your SO who needs to learn how to have sex with any desire.
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