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Here is my problem with those who say leave her, she lied. I am 25. I don't want to have children. I am very upfront about this. Everyone I tell gives me the same "oh, your only 25 you'll change your mind". I laugh at them and shake my head. But all I can do is be honest with myself and those that I am dating about the situation.
I can see that someone who is on the fence or who has struggled with the decision may come of as a liar, but with all the pressures society places on women to have a family, it is difficult for those of us who stray from the heard to keep our sometimes isolating stance on the subject.
A man can't really understand this. Maybe there is a lot more to this story.
I also don't think its fair that women who change their mind the other way (go from not wanting to have kids to being mothers) are celebrated while those of us who take the less common route are chastised.
Just my 2 cents.
I'm not sure how this information changes the situation. He should just suck it up and give up on his dream because she might have had some societal pressure which she responded to by lying? Society pressures everyone in different ways, but that isn't an excuse to enter a marriage under false pretenses. Frankly, its just cowardly and selfish. Its not as if she was threatened with starvation or deportation if she didn't get married to this guy and have his babies so I can't really buy the pressure angle much. Regardless, having empathy for her and realizing you have to leave her to achieve your dream aren't mutually exclusive.
There is no compromise on this issue. You can go to counseling but I don't see how it can resolve the issue. He wants children, she does not. Either she becomes a reluctant parent, he gives up on children or they go their separate ways. He can twist her arm and shame her into agreeing, but that's just making a bad situation worse. That's assuming you could even get her to do it. Lets face it, it'd be really easy to pretend to be trying.
Society pressures everyone in different ways, but that isn't an excuse to enter a marriage under false pretenses. Frankly, its just cowardly and selfish. Its not as if she was threatened with starvation or deportation if she didn't get married to this guy and have his babies so I can't really buy the pressure angle much.
No, she's only threatened with divorce by the man she presumably loves.
If this woman's husband tries to "shame" her into having children with him, isn't that a good indication that women are under a great deal of pressure to become mothers when they don't really want to? Of course, the same could be said for men as well.
I'm not sure how this information changes the situation. He should just suck it up and give up on his dream because she might have had some societal pressure which she responded to by lying? Society pressures everyone in different ways, but that isn't an excuse to enter a marriage under false pretenses. Frankly, its just cowardly and selfish. Its not as if she was threatened with starvation or deportation if she didn't get married to this guy and have his babies so I can't really buy the pressure angle much. Regardless, having empathy for her and realizing you have to leave her to achieve your dream aren't mutually exclusive.
There is no compromise on this issue. You can go to counseling but I don't see how it can resolve the issue. He wants children, she does not. Either she becomes a reluctant parent, he gives up on children or they go their separate ways. He can twist her arm and shame her into agreeing, but that's just making a bad situation worse. That's assuming you could even get her to do it. Lets face it, it'd be really easy to pretend to be trying.
I'm not saying he should stay if he wants kids and she doesn't. I am saying she should not be labeled a liar because she was going back and forth on the decision. Many women flip flop. Some have children when they really don't want them and lets be honest, at least she didn't bring a child into the world because of pressure from her SO. That happens all the time and it is a way worse scenario than the one the OP is currently in.
I know, because I get the same thing day in and day out. "Your smart, you should have kids" "you have a good job, you should have kids" "your financially stable, you should have kids" the list goes on and on and the reasoning gets less rational.
OP, I'm adding my vote to the benefits of counseling. You need a trained third party to mediate this discussion and you need it to get to the point without drifting off or being put off as so often happens.
She didn't want kids, you did...relationship ended.
She decided she did want kids, you were happy about that, relationship grew into marriage.
Did she lie? Probably not. She probably struggled with the answer and was influenced by a great number of things including societal pressure and her love for you. She's not a horrible person. And neither are you. But if she's asking if you will resent her for not wanting children, you have your answer right there. She does not want them.
Okay...so now what? The big issue here seems to be if your love for each other and the dynamic of your marriage is stronger than your desire for children. What if you found out she couldn't have children? Would you want to stay married then? Can you imagine your life without her? Can you imagine your life without children?
There are other ways to be involved in children's lives, to make a difference. Would that be enough?
I'm bringing up things for you to consider because the bottom line is that you can't expect someone to have a child when they don't want to, in order to keep someone else or the marriage happy. That's a recipe for disaster, resentment and many future problems. You have every right to end this marriage and seek someone who shares your dream of parenthood. But is that what you really want? I think you're going to have to make a difficult choice.
Thank you everyone for all the responses. You've given me much to think about.
As for my wife, she's not a bad person. I DO love her. I am trying to talk to her, and it's constant procrastination. Talk to her about just being honest with me. I'll never force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. As much as people say I'd resent her, she would equally resent me if we had a child and she gave up her life the way it is. I cannot be a hypocrite and point a finger at her for that. I want honesty. After that the decision will be clearer (perhaps not easier, but clearer). Many people have suggested a mediator. I will request this.
I don't want to lie to her. I don't want to find another woman. I don't even want her to settle on having a child. I just want honesty at this point. I would like to be a father, but how can I be one under these wrong circumstances? It's not fair to all parties.
I will try counseling, but I don't want to convince her to have a child. I just want her to make a decision.
I'm on my iPhone now having a late lunch. I appreciate everyone spending time to respond to me. I know we're anonymous on here, which makes it easy to be completely honest, and I appreciate everyone's feedback. Good/bad or indifferent.
I think it's a pretty big ASSumption here that everyone says she was deliberately lying.
Having kids is a big, scary decision. It took my husband and I NINE years to make the decision. I don't hear that she has said 'no'.
I hear that she is scared and unsure. That's not a crime.
I think the OP is on the right track - he just wants to know her decision. That's exactly how I felt. I just wanted the decision to be consious one - not that we would just drift along on 'maybes' until it was too late.
I think she is afraid and that speaking to a pro to help sort out her real feelings on the subject would be really helpful.
Some people (like the OP) have always known they want to be parents. But there are LOTS of us out there who are less certain and have to spend a lot of time thinking it over. Sometimes I think those who actually put thought into it instead of just charging forward with barely a thought, actually make the best parents.
Who knows what category we'll fall into - I'll let you know in about 20 years!
I do think all this 'she deceived you', etc, etc is pretty unfair.
Also no wonder so many marriages fail when so many people are advocating divorce as the first option rather than the last!
This couple loves each other and neither appears adamant in their position. What is wrong with you all that you would jump to divorce so fast. Holy crap it's no wonder the divorce rate is so high!!!
Last edited by Hobokenkitchen; 03-26-2012 at 03:06 PM..
You want kids, she doesn't. I don't know why you can't figure out on your own what to do??You have the answer right in front of you..
I will not just leave her because she doesn't want a child. I DO love her. Are we that quick to turn our backs on those we love because we don't get our way? We're not to that point, yet. Perhaps if things get worse, but the answer is NOT crystal clear.
I will not just leave her because she doesn't want a child. I DO love her. Are we that quick to turn our backs on those we love because we don't get our way? We're not to that point, yet. Perhaps if things get worse, but the answer is NOT crystal clear.
Get your way??? Are you kidding me?? The real question here is are you willing to make that BIG of a sacrifice just because you love someone??? For someone who WANTS kids and continuing to stay with someone who DOESN"T want kids is ridiculous and pointless. She'll never change her mind. But hey its your life and you have to live with your decisons not me. I'd hate for you to look back on your life and realize you made a HUGE mistake because you stayed with her because you loved her and missed out on the ONE thing you TRUELY wanted in your life that's very easily attainable with someone else who has the same goals as you.
You as a police officer should be very aware that you only get ONE life. Get EVERYTHING you want and don't settle for anything less...
Last edited by himain; 03-26-2012 at 03:03 PM..
Reason: E
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